I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

^this.

I like the double bluff.

I agree, but surely what it could be communicating is that she hasn’t been given good enough boundaries? It’s unbelievable that this would be allowed. Most parents would actively open their bathroom door and remove their child if they were blocking it purposely and making their grandparent wet themselves.

In essence, yes. The sort of nasty personality the OP describes is usually well established in early childhood.

@Whalewatching - the incident totally floored Susan at the time. My mother was just so serious talking to her, but calmly, that it must have really penetrated. I'm glad to say that after a few hiccups, she became a much nicer little girl and is a lovely young woman now.

@NoCloudsAllowed I agree. It was the manner in which mum addressed her I think. And yes, saved Susan from growing up into a horrible person.

The planned and malicious humiliation of another person over the toilet / accidents alongside the cruelty to pets are massive red flags. If my child was displaying these traits I would be insisting on a psychological assessment. Some things aren’t caused by parenting issues and can’t be fixed by them either. I have a close family member who had a child with something called conduct disorder, it was extremely difficult to manage and at times extremely distressing due to the nature of how this condition presents. I’m not saying your granddaughter has this but In your position I would just keep away and keep it in mind as a possibility.

@SiliconHeaven she sounds horrible! dont ever let her become a nurse!! is she learning that behaviour and nastiness at home????

Abuse ? By suggesting her mother parents her and tells straight out that her behaviour is vile. Maybe the little brat should be praised for only sitting on the toilet for 20 minutes instead of 30, maybe she should be applauded for being so nasty about other people and then one day because she hasn't been pulled into line one of her peers may just land a fist on her perfect little nose.

You acknowledge that OP is already hurt & treated appallingly and so you decided to post one cruel post after another, each with a spiteful dig to hurt her even more.

Bogoff to find something else to do, I'm sure OP won't be missing your input. Miserable narcissist!

Unbelievably unpleasant for a child of 9, who really does know better, to act like this. Preventing her disabled grandmother from using the loo so she sets herself is completely outrageous. I absolutely agree with the pp who said time to visit both and say you won’t be babysitting (presumably a big favour) unless the child stops fucking around like this. It’s disgusting behaviour.

I can honestly say that my eldest DD was an absolute witch at that age, and no, she didn't get away with her behaviour and attitude. But she was, utterly, utterly horrid, and I frequently despaired of how I'd birthed such an awful child. I don't have any happy memories of her childhood, and if I'm honest, the stress of it all nearly split DH and me. I often used to wish I could just walk out of the door one day, and never come back.

That "awful" child is now 25, in a good job, happy with her partner of seven years in their own home (just moved in late last year) and a lovely, pleasant young woman. (And DH and I are still together, after 28 years).

Parenthood isn't easy, but I would never write off a child of nine. They have many more years to mature.

I’d be more than a little concerned at the cruelty shown by this child towards her Grandmother and towards the pets.
At 9, children should have at least a little empathy.
I would withdraw from the situation for now, OP, and see if this phase passes.
I am sorry for you, it must be heartbreaking.

This was my thought too. Her behaviour is so calculatedly nasty, so lacking in empathy and so full of contempt and cruelty, that it seems beyond normal for a nine year old.

God knows my kids can be difficult, but nothing like this.

She clearly has utter contempt, even hatred for OP. Given her focus on ‘perfection’ ( disliking ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ people), I wondered if her contempt for OP is due To her disability. I don’t think that’s a normal way to think either.

As a cat owner, I am reading this is disbelief.

I have a 5 year old niece who can’t behave kindly and appropriately to my cats. She is not allowed to come to my house.

I was going to say have there been observations at school of any kind. My daughter always runs to the toilet first if anyone wants the toilet, she thinks it’s funny, but then she won’t take that long. Sometimes they are just pains in the arses. There are other issues with my daughter and she is being assessed, but they happen at home and at school. Behaviour can be a sign of some anxiety or upset and then I suppose some can just be spoilt and have no boundaries.

I do quite like the pp who suggested faking needing the loo.That could a lovely long game..
However the girl is displaying sociopathic tendencies, so I would say no to babysitting and just visit until she is locked in a youth offenders institute or prison.

Of course she's queen bee at school...everyone is afraid of her! Secondary will be a different matter.

Hmm, I very much doubt that’s true. Not saying you’re lying, more being spun a line. In my opinion the girl sounds as though she has strong psychopathic traits. I’m sure she knows how to behave in front of the teachers to make them think she’s angelic. As for pretty and popular, I’d bet any money she’s your bog standard mean girl who excludes others from her social circle in really spiteful ways. The level of spite she shows towards you is immense so do you really think she’s showing kindness to her school cohort? What if they are fat, poor or disabled? I’ve no idea what you, personally, can do but if I were her mother I’d be asking for a psychiatric evaluation to see if there were any interventions that might be put in place.

Wear Tena Lady.

Pretend you want the loo when you don't. (Edited to say - Just seen @redboots765 has said someone has beaten me to this suggestion - go for it!)

Keep the little horror sitting in there while you read a book, occasionally banging on the toilet door. Tell her you wee'd yourself so you borrowed some knickers out of her underwear drawer. When it comes to Xmas and birthdays just put a receipt for new pants and skits/leggings/ etc in her card, saying you would have bought her a gift but you couldn't afford to because you had to replace X items of clothing.

Seriously - unless you are prepared to discipline her, or stop babysitting, she will continue being like this and will grow from an unpleasant child into an unpleasant adult.

There is about this age children who know how to suck up to teachers but are mean to other children. I remember one girl in our class who was like this. The teachers thought she was adorable and she had the lead part in the nativity. The kids did not like her.

When you're going to the toilet and she decides to do this awful behaviour on purpose, you need to say sharply and firmly "no".

Do not get walked over by a child.

Is there only one loo in the house?

Lots of houses only have one toilet. Especially if it is all on one level.

She sounds like Verruca Salt!

Spot on! 😁

Or a bully that is good at manipulating other kids to turn on other if they don't suck up to her.

There is bratty behaviour due to being spoilt and not parented properly and then there is downright nastiness of denying you access to the toilet.

I'd have gone and pissed on her laptop or tablet that no doubt she is allowed free rein on. See how she likes that!

Obviously not, but either her mother steps up and starts parenting or you only see your daughter when the child is at school.