I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

Agree,this type of acting out in a young child is a response to something. Try gentleness, take her aside, or out for a treat and talk to her, find out what she worries about at home

I feel like if the child doesn't think she needs to take her nans disability seriously - imo this is where parenting comes in. Her nan getting to the loo is serious and needs to be treated as such - I'd be physically holding my daughter while nan goes and making it absolutely clear she's not to sit on the toilet. I really think discipline and genuine punishment for this would be a start

The OP mentioned the cats...

If she continues in this vein you only have a few more years to cope with. Once she’s a teenager you’ll be an irrelevance to her.
I’d just visit when parents are there, no more babysitting.

Your dd needs to parent her child. I’m sure she is popular at school, bullies tend to be.

I would be extremely angry if my dc acted that way towards a disabled relative, not allowing you to go to the toilet is just evil. Her behaviour has to come from somewhere and it’s likely to be from your dd and her lack or parenting/correcting her DD’s behaviour.
I agree with others and would tell her your not baby sitting for a child who won’t even allow you to go to the toilet when you need too.

Sounds low on empathy.

Not sure why you feel you can’t or shouldn’t discipline her, if my daughter treated my mum like that I’d really hope she’d tell her it’s not okay, and that there are consequences.

I'm sure lots of people will say 'Oh but she's just a child, no child is truly bad' but to be brutally honest she does sound like a total arsehole who will grow up sociopathic. She is absolutely 100% getting enjoyment out of being unpleasant and cruel. I wouldn't like her, either.

In your position I would tell your DD very firmly that you are not prepared to be bullied by a nasty little child who thinks it's funny to let her disabled grandmother wet herself, and that you won't be babysitting again or engaging with her/treating her when you visit.

The deliberate cruelty to animals and her GM is way beyond normal preteen development.

That. I taught children with behavioural difficulties in specialist settings for many years, and even I am shocked and very concerned about this behaviour. It's abuse, it's plain cruelty, and no normally developing and properly parented nine year old would do this.

Blaming OP is absolutely unfair.

You're very naive, I'm afraid.

Her behaviour sounds sadistic. I wouldn't be taking her out for a treat

Not read the whole thread
Your original post is giving me very strong vibes of this 9 year old grandchild trying to flex her power and influence (very inappropriately in my opinion).
I realise you love your daughter but I would refuse to babysit again and if your daughter presses you on why just say I feel that grand daughter doesn't show any respect and even when she is pulled up on something she still does not show any respect, if anything she is becoming less respectful.
I bet she doesn't rush to the toilet to prevent her own mother going, does she?

It really is not. You know some adults are horrible people? It does not just start when they turn 18.

The OP is already hurt, she’s being treated appallingly by her granddaughter. If you’d like to give your opinion which is whatOP is looking for go ahead. If what you want todo is police others responses then you AREN’T helping OP instead you are seeking to limit the input she receives.

If you really want to still babysit her, then buy and wear pads when she is with you. But I suspect she will only get worse.

Your granddaughter sounds a horrible brat - but your daughter is to blame for the very poor behaviour. The fact that there is no dad on the scene has nothing to do with it - there are many mothers who bring their children up without help and manage to have polite, decent children (I say this from knowing some single mothers). Can't you tell your daughter she needs to be a better mother? (I would)

Seems she has seen it somewhere or all that hatred against everyone ( including cats ???) was allowed somehow to reach her. I think you should say a serious word to your daughter and leave them to it. This sounds bizarrely hateful for such a little girl.

a social butterfly, pretty and popular

lol, you should start with this. She already knows that she wants to be a mean girl because is well liked and pretty. The making of a wonderful future workplace bully

GD's a brat - and she's doing it because of bad parenting, simples. And this is your daughter allowing her to behave this way - and your daughter loves you? GD's parents should be ashamed of themselves. All the talk about how wonderful she is elsewhere...yes, well.. that's as maybe, but if little princess isn't given a reality check she'll turn into an unpleasant adult. And the cat situation is also disgusting, why aren't they taking her to task on this, too?

I'd stop babysitting and tell them why. No point in doing otherwise, the parents need a kick up the bum and if you aren't prepared to raise it with them, then there's no point in complaining, is there?

@LightDrizzle 's response was great.

With luck if you mention phases and growing out of it your DD, who is clearly burying her head in the sand, won't go on the defensive.

Is GD like this with your daughter? If not, you could ask DD to find out if GD has a particular issue with you personally and what's at the root? I think this is unlikely to be the case - but it might be something that your daughter might accept as a 'way in' to talking to her DD. She's likely to be anxious, whatever she says.

I worry that GD's unkindness towards the cats could point to something deeper - and that her forcing you, who she may perceive as vulnerable because of your wheelchair use, to soil yourself may be part of the same dynamic. I think it's very unlikely that GD isn't demonstrating at least some of these behaviours in her friendship group - though it may not yet have come to light if she is subtly cruel.

I don't think you have any choice.

Your DD and possibly your GDD will thank you in the long run if it means that the child actually gets parented.

You could support your DD with advice from afar, if she would take it?

I think it's appalling that she lets her get away with treating you like this.

I don’t know about blaming parenting, necessarily/entirely.
Most parents don’t have children this lacking in empathy so don’t even have to learn how to deal with this. Sounds like the child has issues that need to be assessed then addressed.

Just to add - I'd also have her guts for garters over the poor cats! I have always had cats and my children grew up adoring them too. That's extremely nasty behaviour. Doesn't your DD care about the cats' wellbeing?

This thread is so disturbing, what kind of child wants to cause distress to a disabled older person, let alone her grandparent.

No advice OP, other than take a step back and I hope it improves x.

I'm really sorry this is happening. I think you have come up with a good solution.

I hope you GD is just going through a phase and grows out of it.

Having to pee yourself would be the end for me