I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

You can try, but I doubt you will have any success with this type of child.

You’re right, you’re limited in what you can do.
Stop the babysitting.
Your dd can visit you or you visit her when gd is in school.
Tell your dd her child’s behaviour is cruel, nasty and unacceptable once then leave it to her to sort out.
Protect your relationship with your dd but ignore gd.

I'd be disliking my daughter for being a bit of a crap parent rather than a child for having a bit of a crap parent.

And maybe it needs you to stop visiting for a while to give your daughter the boot up her arse she needs to sort her kid out. Hopefully when she's stuck for a babysitter she might actually address the issue.

Why wait til 9? Why not write them off at six months? Or some kind of in utero test, if personality is that hard wired...

I'm not surprised you don't like her! She sounds like a sociopath. But as others have said, the issue will be the parenting.

Yes, I'd say that will work 🤣

See, I think what your mother did is ultimately much kinder than letting a kid go through life being a shit.

It's labelling the behaviour rather than the person, it's saying you love them but don't like what they're doing, but it's blunt and honest.

Also OP is disabled what's to stop did from pushing her over?

You certainly won't if you simply write her off as an irredeemable cunt at the age of nine.

Even if you can't see anything wrong with that, do you not find it lazy?

You either seem to be enjoying hurting the OP with each nasty post you make or your comprehension abilities are severely challenged.

What’s the context here op? I have young adult dds and this behaviour sounds most peculiar to me at nine years old.

Did your gdd show signs of empathy at a younger age? Can she be kind in other ways? Does she share toys with other dc? Have you observed her with friends?

If my dds were being looked after by their gps or a babysitter or a wheelchair user, or anyone for that matter, they would have it drilled in to them, in a very no nonsense manner, how they were to behave.

Children do need to be guided. We did have an issue with one of my dd’s using my mum’s stair lift, but that was because she found it exciting and loved it, and she had to be told firmly that it wasn’t a play thing, that it was an important piece of expensive kit that must not be broken as granny depended on it; and she had to ask permission to use it and accept the answer if told “no” which she was perfectly able to grasp around 7 yrs old.

The loo manoeuvre your gdd does sounds like cruel behaviour, as is her treatment of the cats. Very strange that she’s popular at school too. But is she truly popular or is she a queen bee? I personally would be getting her assessed by a child psychologist.

The OP might not be able to physically remove her, but she is capable of letting her granddaughter know, in no uncertain terms, how badly she is behaving.
If one of my grandchildren behaved even remotely as badly as this, they would certainly hear from me. Not that any of them would though.

The way she communicates the severity of the behaviour is not to get into a tussle over the toilet that she's almost certainly going to lose. It is to refuse to put up with the behaviour and remove her presence until it changes.

Though I've not been in your position, I think it's very different with your own child. He'll have been brought up 24/7 with your style of parenting, and so less likely than this girl to consider taking advantage, especially if you being in a wheelchair is all that he's known.

This girl is being downright abusive, and I'm really not convinced that even the firmest tone of voice is going to get OP anywhere, especially when the girl's mother isn't dealing with it firmly and backing OP up.

What’s your DD doing while you’re babysitting DGD? One option other than stopping completely is to call her, every time. “I’m sorry, DD, but DGD is refusing to let me use the toilet / being rude / whatever else, so I am going to have to go home now. You’ll have to come back home.” I think you need to make it your DD’s problem that her daughter is behaving like this. (Is she like this to your DD? Presumably not to teachers if school thinks she’s an angel. Perhaps she thinks she can get away with it with you and so acts out.)

I'd arrange a visit (not a babysitting visit) and sit down with both your daughter and your granddaughter and explain that you are not prepared to do any further babysitting unless this behaviour stops right now - then list the behaviour you will not tolerate and then put some space between you and both of them and don't be available for several weeks.

Honestly I wouldn't baby sit or visit anymore, purely because of the toilet grabbing business.

That's not always the case. Ever met a thoroughly unpleasant adult? They were usually born like it.

Sorry if I’m repeating PPs

OP - that sounds horrid for you - and I absolutely endorse you telling your daughter that you really can’t babysit until you are able to move past the loo issue.

9 is really young to be exhibiting such antisocial behaviour - although not excusing it - I do think that fundamentally, when you ‘zoom out’ far enough, all negative behaviour is unmet need. Is there something going on with her that would have triggered this? Has your DD got a new partner she is meeting while you are babysitting and your GD is feeling abandoned and left out? Or something smaller that might be rocking her 9 yo world a bit?

Not excusing the lack of firm consequences

Even that wouldn't necessarily lead to your daughter's unpleasantness to you, others & their pet cats!

She sounds sadistic. I hope they don't have any pets.

But OP's granddaughter HAS done some genuinely horrible things. Stopping someone with a disability from using the toilet isn't normal kid stuff by any stretch of the imagination!

@SiliconHeaven i know this may be a hard thing to admit to, but is your daughter sometimes a cruel person OP? Does she often criticise others and treat you disrespectfully? Is her daughter mimicking her behaviour? I think this may be a daughter problem, and not a granddaughter problem. There’s no way my children would treat my mother that way.

Sociopaths are born, not made. and they can be really nice to you, unless you're their current chosen victim. I'd get her assessed if she were mine.

They have two cats, who GD is nasty towards.