I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

Goodness me! I actually got a lump in my throat reading this. I lost my GM at Easter and I would never ever have treated her like that! I can totally see why you feel torn.
Tbh this is pretty much entirely your daughter's fault. She is a crap parent, end of. Your GD is a kid, and has been raised a brat and has been allowed to get away with murder.

Is this the only family you have?

I'd step away from babysitting until the child gets some manners.

At 9 she's a bit too old to be behaving like that. What 9 year old wants to go to the toilet in front of an adult family member? Most want their privacy. I would just tell her you hurt nanny's feelings when you look after her and your not a good little girl.

You, OP, are not powerless. You can withdraw your labour.

You dd may be a single mother but so are lots of people who managed to bring our children up to be decent and considerate.

If you are frightened of being cut off by your dd, she is evidently not very nice either. You need to work on building your own social network

My late mother used to watch one of her grand-daughters one day a week from when the child was a baby. As the little girl grew she began to behave the way yours is, pinching her baby brother when she thought no one was looking, telling lies, picking up someone's cake and licking it while staring at them, etc etc.

My mum was always very much a no-nonsense kind of parent (to the extremes some times) and one day, when the girl was about 10 my mother said, thoughtfully, to her face, 'you know Susan, you are really a very unpleasant little girl to be around. I don't even like you any more. I love you, but I don't like you. So, I'm not going to be watching you again'.

Susan's mother (my sister) was understandably furious with our mum, called her cruel etc etc. Susan cried and cried. It was horrible (I was present). I don't really know why I'm telling you this, because I'm certainly not suggesting you call a child out to her face. Just that your post brought it all back to me, and how horrible it was to be around Susan back then. So I do feel for you, it's so hard when it's your own grandchild. I hope you can sort it out.

That's the right thing to do, and all you can do. She will not treat you decently, so all you can do is remove your presence until she does. I'm sorry it costs you too, but that's the way it is. She must learn that if she treats people that way, she does not get the benefit of their company.

I expect she will make changes once she realises you will no longer subject yourself to this. If she doesn't, then I think the situation is beyond your control anyway.

I wouldn't like her either, she sounds awful, ive been through similar with a family member who used to seem to get a kick out of saying nasty things to people pretty much from toddler age. Theyre an adult now and no, they havent grown out of it and just arent a nice person to be around. 😬

Let's face it there's plenty of unpleasant adults in the world, at one time they'll have been kids Some people just aren't very nice. Hopefully your dd wakes up to the fact her dd is on fast track for being yet another arsehole and starts being a lot more proactive.

That’s what I was going to suggest “oh granny needs the loo” then after she’s wasted 20 mins sitting in there, “oh no false alarm”. Repeat until she’s sick of it.

Little madam 😡

Single parenting must be difficult but your daughter needs to get on top of this quick before her daughter gets any worse,

Your GD seems to have a huge opinion of herself, she needs to understand that there will always be people prettier, wealthier and thinner than her just like there are also people not as pretty, wealthy or as thin as her, some other people could be looking down at her in the same way she is looking down at others.

I would just visit and refuse any babysitting. If DD asks why you explain why.

It's not just DGD problem, your DD is allowing this behaviour and till she changes, DGD won't.

Agree with all this. All this pussyfooting around children behaving appallingly, cooing "Now don't do that darling it's not nice". A child behaving like this would know just how angry I was.

She sounds horribly rude, entitled, demanding and spoilt. All these things are the sign of parents who haven't set boundaries or taught her how to behave. Honestly I would be telling your DD you can't babysit her. Give examples of things she has done, comments she has made. If your dd doesn't step up and sort her child out asap you will find your granddaughter becomes a very disliked child by those around her.

She sounds awful. You've raised the issues with your DD/DS and nothing has changed.

Simply step back from the relationship. You are absolutely allowed to do this. You are allowed to put yourself first.

Next time they invite you over/ask you to babysit, simply say no. Explain you've raised the issues before, they haven't changed and perhaps some space will allow time for change.

Is she an only child?

I like the idea of regularly heading to the toilet until she gets tired of sitting there. It's either that or just stop babysitting.

And yes tell her I love you but I dont like the way you behave as the reason you wont babysit.

I think I'm completely against the grain in feeling sorry for your granddaughter here. She's done some naughty things, yes, she needs some discipline but to decide you don't like her is wrong, imo.

Not to judge you, as I don't know what you've been through, but I was the kid that my mum and SD just labelled as naughty and horrible. They rarely disciplined or taught me anything, just bitched and moaned about me behind my back.

Everything I know about how to carry myself and behave, I taught myself or learned from TV or bitter experience. I rarely turned to them, and now we're estranged. They just don't like me.

They told themselves that I was popular and just 'a bully' for minor things I did, like shouting or hogging the TV remote, or using nail varnish when my SD said it gave him a headache. Normal kid stuff. In reality I was struggling terribly with anxiety and panic attacks.

I think you should support your daughter (it's tough being a single mum) in creating a routine and set discipline for your granddaughter. Your family type is different and it's your job to speak up and create change.

Or, as seems to be your wish, go no contact - she deserves to be loved and it sounds like she may be better off. Sorry.

You wouldn’t be missing much at the moment.

I’m sorry but the toilet thing is one of the most horrible things I’ve heard. I’ve met a few quite unpleasant little girls in my time but this takes the biscuit. I would have been mortified if either of my children had behaved like that at any time.

Definitely don’t babysit.

Just to add, yes she's said mean things. Kids all say mean things, it's unpleasant, I'd be hurt if my daughter said stuff like that, as I've been bullied myself. But I'd teach her differently.

And by different family type, she has her mum and you as a family unit, by the sounds of it.

Sounds like she has a serious lack of empathy. Some kind of SEN? What was dad like? If he too lacked empathy then it may be something she has inherited from him, and she will need to learn how to show it.

I would start by removing the toilet door handle. If she rushes to sit on the toilet, I would very firmly pull her off.
Then she would get a real bollocking about her unacceptable behaviour.

No point in ever trying to deal with a child's behaviour and do any parenting, then. We can just write them off as cunts at the age of nine and never do anything to guide and correct them.

It's certainly easier in the short term.

“No sorry I won’t be babysitting for the foreseeable future. I love bratkid and I’m sure it’s only a phase but shes a rather unpleasant child at the moment. I’m sure it’ll pass”.

She may have some kind of SEN although she apparently has no problems at school but she needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that she can't stop her disabled grandmother from getting to the toilet so that she wets herself.

@NancyPickford I’m so curious to know what sort of child your niece is now? Did she grow out of the meanness?

Even assuming OP is physically able to do that and win in a toilet tussle, it just means the child can burst in herself while OP is in there...and probably will.

The lesson shouldn't be "strongest wins the bog", it should be "if you treat Grandma like that, you will not get the benefit of Grandma's company". That will pass over into whatever alternative bad behaviour the child would engage in if her only reason for giving up on the toilet is because Grandma is strong enough to pull her off. She needs to learn that this applies to all disrespectful and horrible behaviour, not just the stuff Grandma can physically prevent.