Partner is an alcoholic

[EN0703]

Hi all

just hoping I might be able to get some advice as I feel at a complete loss.

18 months ago I found out my long term partner of 8 years was an alcoholic. He’d always been a heavy drinker but after finding multiple bottles hidden he confessed things had gotten difficult to stop. He stopped drinking but suffered with withdrawal seizures which meant he lost his licence. He commited to stopping drinking but then I found out in Feb last year that he had been drinking to excess in secret again - lots of gaslighting, lies and manipulation later I asked him to leave. Where again he seizured, hallucinations from the withdrawals which has given me PTSD. I decided to try to forgive everything and move forward with him attending AA. Unfortunately he then relapsed again in the may - again secretly with more lies, manipulation and gaslighting. I ended the relationship and he went to rehab. He came out of rehab and I tried to move forward supporting him again but then found out he had developed a cross addiction and had secretly racked up 85k of debt on live casinos. I walked away again as it was another thing that was hidden. We separated for 3 months, he again relapsed in the august. Somehow we ended up coming together again in the October and things have been amazing since, he had been sober for 5 months, no gambling and attending all of his weekly meetings. I thought we were on track again and had committed to accepting that slips may happen but if he was honest from the start and gave me the chance to support him on the front foot I would be there no matter what. Unfortunately he relapsed again last Wednesday and I am at a complete loss. He has done amazingly getting back on the horse the next day and trying to identify what he needs to change to prevent this happening again… but then today I found an empty bottle of water filled partly with Gin in our garage which he can’t explain how it got there and now I just don’t know what to believe. I also feel so confused and scared about the future as it just doesn’t seem like he is fully committing to the sobriety journey with having 3 relapses in 8 months. I am heartbroken as he is the most loving individual but he keeps saying that I run away whenever I should be there to support him - but the emotional toll and self doubt is just killing me. I feel like I can’t fully walk away because I do love him but is this what will happen forever (I’m only 28)

I just don’t want to give up on him but at what point does in sickness and health get pushed to the back over the impact on my mental health and wellbeing

any thoughts or people who have any advise negative or positive would be massively appreciated

thanks

You need to save yourself

Is he your DP or your DH because 84K of debt is half yours if married. I'm a tad confused as you said partner, then said 'in sickness and in health'. This man will drag you down. You can be supportive, but don't do it while having a relationship with him. In fact, that is enabling him. Noticed that he stopped the longest when apart, but starts when he's back?

Hey! Thanks for replying - we aren’t married, but I still believe in the ‘in sickness and in health’ mantra in a long term relationship - I’m sorry if that was confusing. The longest stint sober has been since we reunited - but completely appreciate what you are saying. I’m just scared of making the wrong decision in walking away when I should have stayed and supported him during this illness but is just killing me in paranoia and self doubt x

Alcoholism is an illness, you cannot fix him, only he can sort this out. The lies and shame cycle will never end until he commits to sobriety. Having been in this position myself, I walked away because it wasn't my problem to fix. I know its hard for you but you must understand that until he commits to change, the situation will remain stuck in a never ending hamster wheel.
Please be kind to yourself.

Be grateful you have no children with him.

Just get out whilst you can I divorced my alcoholic after 10 miserable years, lost my chance of having kids and alienated everyone I knew with his embarrassing antics.

I have previously married alcoholic / drug addict .

In all honesty - is this the life you want because it will continue on that rollercoaster but trust becomes long gone .. but you are stuck -

I walked away in the end best thing I did . As far as I am aware nothing has changed in his life only mine

I sort of feel you only get one shot at life. Is this really how you want to spend it?

It’s very sad for him, but ultimately that’s his responsibility not yours.

I wish I'd divorced my alcoholic husband. As it was, I was with him for 20 years until the alcohol killed him. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone.

2 years later and I feel I've emerged from a fog and got my life back to what it was meant to be. Now I'd advise anyone in that situation to leave. We only get one shot at life.

Walk away.

I had a relative similar to your DP.

He died age 41 of alcoholic heart failure leaving a trail of devastation behind him.

Get out while you can.

Seriously, if you don't end things now you will regret it in the future when you look back at this moment where you are thinking about it.

If you stay, you are signing up for a lifetime of this over and over again.

He needs therapy to address his issues that lead to the addictions and to identify his secretive and manipulative behaviour and to stop the 'buzz' he gets from sneaking around. This would take a year at least if the therapy is done properly.

Give yourself a decent future op and go.

If you stay you won't get anything other than what you're having now.

I ended up married to an alcoholic although he had quit drinking prior hence me marrying him. He was drunk on our wedding day before we even got married. I left him a year later not because of drink but because I didn’t want to spend the next 40 years of my life wondering if he was going to fall back off the wagon and he was a terrible drunk. As soon as I left he drank again ( part of me probably married him as thought if I left him he’d drink again - I was absolutely right but also gave myself a good shake and realised I couldn’t be in a relationship just because I was worried he’d drink if we finished). Honestly I would get out whilst you have no children or marriage and ties. 85k debt is an incredible amount to clear that also has long lasting impact if not paid off or late paying. It’s a miserable life and you can’t help him only he can help himself.

My former partner was an alcoholic and drug addict. He went into rehab , stole from me , lied to me, so so so many times. I found empty cans everywhere, in carrier bags , behind units even inside the TV unit. He died last year at the age of 35 drink / drug related.

I tried so many times I begged him to get help but at the end of the day this is HIS choice. He's doing this to himself .

I too couldn't walk away . I kept finances separate tho but in the end it killed us both ... him thru drink and me thru guilt I couldn't save him.

It's a horrible journey but he needs to do it for himself otherwise he's gonna lose his life.
Please don't think you're on your own. So many people are in similar situations.
Take care of yourself and put you first , coz he won't. The addiction has took over him . Sending you a big hug.

I think the thing to be aware of is that alcoholism doesn’t respect the in sickness and in health part. It’s selfish. You will give and give and support and support until there is nothing of you left. You are only 28, you don’t have children. You have everything ahead of you. Please don’t squander these years on someone who you can’t rely on. You are a kind and loving person. More and more I think addiction is a symptom of being broken. Your DP can’t be there for you or love and support you in the way you deserve until he has fixed himself. Please look after yourself.

You either want to live like this, or you do not.

You met him when you were 20. He's had almost a third of your life, and all of your adult years. How much longer are you willing to throw away on flogging this dead horse, and do you even know why you're still there other than fear and obligation? They're not good reasons.

Set yourself free, live your life. You've got one, it's very very short.

"we aren’t married, but I still believe in the ‘in sickness and in health’ mantra in a long term relationship"

Yeah, that's not a thing. Get out, you're 28 ffs and he's going to saddle you with this shit forever.

Supporting a partner undergoing treatment or suffering from an illness is nothing like having the life sucked out of you by an addict. The rest of your life will be this drama unless you make a change. Get out before you’re in any deeper.

You must break free of him - you have supported him for years yet he still accuses you of running away when he needs you. You can't fix him . Only he can do that and only then if he really wants to. Don't let him take the best years of your life. My sister lived like this for 28 years and lost any chance of having children because of her alcoholic gambling addicted partner. Leaving him was difficult financially emotionally and he did everything he could to ruin it for her. Lucky now she has a new home, job and partner and is happy - this could be you in a year or two. I wish you strength x

He's had enough chances to change, OP. Get out now.

Walking away IS the right decision and sometimes even saves the addict's life as well because they'd never hit rock bottom otherwise.

Go to Al anon, you need to understand how to look after yourself, and to let him look after himself. Another one who has been there, the guilt trips are what keeps you there, but honestly you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. But he can…

You are 28, you are so so young and can have a wonderful life ahead of you.

you have wasted 8 years already being lied to. What if you had been married and were now in £40k debt. Imagine how that would be impacting your life!

leave him, cut all ties permanently. Don’t keep in touch as he obviously reels you back in and his manipulation blaming you for not supporting him is laughable. I suggest you reach out for some counselling to find out why you keep returning. but in another 8 years you will be running out of time to have children, you won’t be married (as you’d be a fool to marry someone who secretly acquires that debt) and you’ll be dreading the next time he lies.

what kind of life is that?

You need to leave. You can’t save him, it will be a miserable existence lurching from one crisis to the next.

Pack your bags and leave tomorrow

Try Al Anon, you might find some solidarity in these groups and articles/books. My partner has been sober for 5 years but I lived through chaos while he was drinking. It is draining and I really feel for you. He will have to hit rock bottom and decide to make a change for himself. It is not easy to leave someone you love, but put yourself and your safety first and avoid enabling him (you might be doing this at times without even realising, I’d recommend reading up on this).

I have just recently found out that my sister is an alcoholic. We are both middle aged and I have no idea how I did not see it before as it has apparently been going on for a decade. Her husband of many years did know, of course and has kept it from all of us. I have very mixed feelings about it all, I have to say it, but most of all, I am impressed with by BIL for staying with her for so long. I have known only about six months now and is already eating me alive. His personality did change, as he used to be very happy go lucky but is not anymore, he gained weight and has developed high blood pressure and diabetes.

I also believe that him leaving would help her stop, as she has to feel consequences of her actions. So far, he has only been making it easier for her, so in a way, he has been enabling her.

OP you are so young, please save yourself.