Partner is an alcoholic

[EN0703]

Hi all

just hoping I might be able to get some advice as I feel at a complete loss.

18 months ago I found out my long term partner of 8 years was an alcoholic. He’d always been a heavy drinker but after finding multiple bottles hidden he confessed things had gotten difficult to stop. He stopped drinking but suffered with withdrawal seizures which meant he lost his licence. He commited to stopping drinking but then I found out in Feb last year that he had been drinking to excess in secret again - lots of gaslighting, lies and manipulation later I asked him to leave. Where again he seizured, hallucinations from the withdrawals which has given me PTSD. I decided to try to forgive everything and move forward with him attending AA. Unfortunately he then relapsed again in the may - again secretly with more lies, manipulation and gaslighting. I ended the relationship and he went to rehab. He came out of rehab and I tried to move forward supporting him again but then found out he had developed a cross addiction and had secretly racked up 85k of debt on live casinos. I walked away again as it was another thing that was hidden. We separated for 3 months, he again relapsed in the august. Somehow we ended up coming together again in the October and things have been amazing since, he had been sober for 5 months, no gambling and attending all of his weekly meetings. I thought we were on track again and had committed to accepting that slips may happen but if he was honest from the start and gave me the chance to support him on the front foot I would be there no matter what. Unfortunately he relapsed again last Wednesday and I am at a complete loss. He has done amazingly getting back on the horse the next day and trying to identify what he needs to change to prevent this happening again… but then today I found an empty bottle of water filled partly with Gin in our garage which he can’t explain how it got there and now I just don’t know what to believe. I also feel so confused and scared about the future as it just doesn’t seem like he is fully committing to the sobriety journey with having 3 relapses in 8 months. I am heartbroken as he is the most loving individual but he keeps saying that I run away whenever I should be there to support him - but the emotional toll and self doubt is just killing me. I feel like I can’t fully walk away because I do love him but is this what will happen forever (I’m only 28)

I just don’t want to give up on him but at what point does in sickness and health get pushed to the back over the impact on my mental health and wellbeing

any thoughts or people who have any advise negative or positive would be massively appreciated

thanks

Now tou need ro make sure you don't get sucked back in.
You can't help him, whatever happens will be his choice

Hes going to put on those puppy dog eyes and try every trick to get you back. You need to stay strong as possible. If you go back, nothing will change

This!

Well done for getting out. Please, please don't get sucked back in. It wouldn't just be catastrophic for you, it would actually be doing him harm as well, by enabling him and letting him continue to dodge responsibility for his own recovery.

@EN0703 well done for making the decision to leave.

Stay strong and don't question yourself this is the right choice.

You are only 28 so you have the chance of a great future. If you stay you'll be in a worse position looking back when you're 38.

Big hugs.

This is such a sad situation. Your partner is clearly struggling with addiction. The fact is that many people, no matter how hard they try, cannot beat an addiction to alcohol. It’s hard because everybody deserves a chance, but you need to consider also the risk that your life could be ruined trying to stick by and live this person, who may not be able to quit his addictions. You might both struggle and fail.
i think you should only stay with him if f you feel it is absolutely impossible for you to leave, and you cannot imagine for one minute an alternative life for yourself.
Consider what say ten more years of watching him struggle might be like, and experiencing him dragging you down with him, including with debts from gambling. Can you think of a different life for yourself? If so, you might want to go get it.

@ENEN0703 Get support for yourself. It is a family illness. It affects the lives of all those around the alcoholic. This link is to Al Anon, the sister of A.A. who support those who have or had someone in their lives who drinking is causing them problems

al-anonuk.org.uk/

I will add this. You have a choice not to have your life turned upside down by an addict.
Any future children you have with him won't.
run!

Either buy him out or get off the mortgage - don't do what I did and leave him in the house out of sympathy. The only time the mortgage got paid was during furlough when he got money for nothing, my ex destroyed my credit rating and wouldn't engage to sell without solicitors involved - it took me over 5 years to get rid of him after fleeing the house at 3am on a week night due to his drinking and aggression.
Leave, live your best life without him dragging you down...

Please don't go back to this man. He will try hard to get you back in his life. Let your parents and friends know what his drinking and his debt is really like. I can't see any of them listening to the crap he will say to try and get you back and they tell you not to list to him either.
Get legal advice about the house you co own with and see how much you need to buy him out. Could you rent out a bedroom in the house to help pay the mortgage and bills?

If he starts to ring you, turn up to your work place or parents home I would tell him if he continues to hassle you that you will ring the police.
I know it was not easy to end things with him. This is the 1st day of the rest of your life. Your life will be far better long term by getting away from him.

Well done.

Get legal advice about the house.

I was also going to suggest al-anon.

You are "running away and leaving him when he needs you" - what is he doing when you need him to stay sober? It is gross that he is manipulating you like this.

He gets to get sober. He won't do that if you keep forgiving him. What you put up with is what he will do, so if you forgive relapses he knows he can do it again. He's making you sacrifice your whole life and happiness to look after him, but he's not keeping his end of that.

Please don't stay. You can't fix him.

Sorry i replied before reading your reply, use this thread to keep you strong though!

You know ending it is doable, you've left him before. Good move. Now the work really starts, you need to figure out what's going to be different this time, what is going to stop you returning to him?

Get help, it's out there, make the changes you need to make for yourself so you don't backslide this time. Work out what's going to make the difference. Keep going in the new direction, not backwards towards the familiar bullshit. Carve out a new life for yourself, his life is his responsibility.

well done. please see if you can get support from al anon or similar. the way that you see yourself and him is really important - took me a long time to realise that I really couldn’t help with his alcoholism- please don’t let that happen to you.

Recently I started a course of Setraline (an SSRI anti depressant). Every night I usually have one glass of wine.

After about a week on this drug I had a couple of evenings where I (almost) literally couldn’t stop. Half a bottle was gone in 15 mins and it had barely touched the sides. I craved more,
almost like water in a desert. I had nearly a whole bottle before I forced myself to stop. It was so bizarre I couldn’t think what on Earth had happened. Then I thought … the Setraline? I stopped them immediately and the problem went away. It may have been just a temporary side effect.

This I thought my must be what dipsomania or some forms of alcoholism are like. You almost literally can’t stop. It occurred to me that some of it is biology based. Why some people have their first alcoholic drink at 14 and just “know”. I think Matthew Perry fell into that category. It occurred to me that the Setraline* had messed with my hormones, maybe serotonin maybe dophamine and this was the result, albeit temporary (I stopped them immediately). For others (I think) it may be a slow drift into dependency for other reasons instead.

Either way they are ill. It’s completely outside your control. You can’t help them. They have to find the medical resources or psychological support themselves. Attaching yourself to this wagon is a dangerous game.

*This is a rare reported side effect of Setraline. I did read online of a woman who tried to sue the company for “turning her into an alcoholic”, doing all kinds of crazy and irresponsible things.

this is the truth OP - he is not keeping up his end of the bargain is he? Get out while you can.

Oh yh, and see a solicitor pronto about selling the house. @Noodledoodles1 experience invaluable.

This I thought my must be what dipsomania or some forms of alcoholism are like. You almost literally can’t stop. It occurred to me that some of it is biology based. Why some people have their first alcoholic drink at 14 and just “know”

That is an interesting point. I heard many years ago that the children of alcoholics have a different reaction to alchohol from the rest of society.

My FIL's parents were both alcoholics. He made a point of not drinking but two of his brothers died from alcoholism and two of his sons are alcoholics. I told my dd at a young age to take care as she is more at risk.

I have heard of Naltrexone being helpful too.

Re. the co-dependency thing it’s sad too how it turns some women (and occasionally men) into carers and therapists in mother-like roles. I would have thought the basic quality a partner must have is for you to be able to trust them to do basically the right grown-up thing. Not throw away £85k, not to drink until insensible, etc. Without that how can you build anything, any kind of relationship? (probably one reason why I’m single tho’).

Some men will stay with female alcoholics, as described by pp, but I think it’s generally more common and they are certainly less interested in playing the “nursemaid” role.

*less common

@Coyoacan yes my scary experience did make me question my view that alcoholism or alcohol dependency was the same for all. I do think some - maybe a minority, I don't know - have some kind of immediate biological reaction. Perhaps why these types can never drink again?

I mean after first drink, not talking about later developed general alcohol dependency where the same necessity to stop completely may also apply.

Hey all
just wanted to say thanks again for your comments. Finding today really difficult, like some said above I’ve had a text through today with a long list of things he is going to work on to prevent another relapse and a reminder that this time was different as he got back on the horse the next day which is progress. Trying to stay strong and listen to what people have said but it’s difficult when no two experiences are the same x

Leave. I promise you it's the only way. I found out my partner of 17 years was an alcoholic in 2020 when I was pregnant with our second baby. I didn't finally leave him until the end of 2022. My children saw things they shouldn't have and all of us carry the trauma. He died in 2023 aged 36. It's the worst thing I have ever been through. Even parted, I was still in daily phone contact and tried to get him to seek help to no avail. Save yourself.

It is difficult. If you let your resolve down, you will be back to square one. Please contact al-anonuk.org.uk/ if you haven't already for support for you