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Original poster

Partner is an alcoholic

116 replies

EN0703 · 06/02/2024 22:00

Hi all

just hoping I might be able to get some advice as I feel at a complete loss.

18 months ago I found out my long term partner of 8 years was an alcoholic. He’d always been a heavy drinker but after finding multiple bottles hidden he confessed things had gotten difficult to stop. He stopped drinking but suffered with withdrawal seizures which meant he lost his licence. He commited to stopping drinking but then I found out in Feb last year that he had been drinking to excess in secret again - lots of gaslighting, lies and manipulation later I asked him to leave. Where again he seizured, hallucinations from the withdrawals which has given me PTSD. I decided to try to forgive everything and move forward with him attending AA. Unfortunately he then relapsed again in the may - again secretly with more lies, manipulation and gaslighting. I ended the relationship and he went to rehab. He came out of rehab and I tried to move forward supporting him again but then found out he had developed a cross addiction and had secretly racked up 85k of debt on live casinos. I walked away again as it was another thing that was hidden. We separated for 3 months, he again relapsed in the august. Somehow we ended up coming together again in the October and things have been amazing since, he had been sober for 5 months, no gambling and attending all of his weekly meetings. I thought we were on track again and had committed to accepting that slips may happen but if he was honest from the start and gave me the chance to support him on the front foot I would be there no matter what. Unfortunately he relapsed again last Wednesday and I am at a complete loss. He has done amazingly getting back on the horse the next day and trying to identify what he needs to change to prevent this happening again… but then today I found an empty bottle of water filled partly with Gin in our garage which he can’t explain how it got there and now I just don’t know what to believe. I also feel so confused and scared about the future as it just doesn’t seem like he is fully committing to the sobriety journey with having 3 relapses in 8 months. I am heartbroken as he is the most loving individual but he keeps saying that I run away whenever I should be there to support him - but the emotional toll and self doubt is just killing me. I feel like I can’t fully walk away because I do love him but is this what will happen forever (I’m only 28)

I just don’t want to give up on him but at what point does in sickness and health get pushed to the back over the impact on my mental health and wellbeing

any thoughts or people who have any advise negative or positive would be massively appreciated

thanks

OP posts:
unbelievablescenes · 06/02/2024 23:30

Another one here that wasted my best years on a similar character. Your partner isnt going to change I'm afraid, no matter how much you want him to. If I'd left at 28 mine and my kids lives would be a million times better, as it stands we're all recovering from years of trauma. It will hurt leaving but it'll hurt MUCH worse if you stay. You're as addicted to being his saviour as he is to drink, get help, and leave.

Sashya · 07/02/2024 00:52

My father was an alcoholic. It was horrific. I carry these memories with me all my life. Took years of therapy to deal with a lot of it.
Please, please do not EVER have kids with him.

You are only 28. You wasted enough of your life on helping him. And he dares to put it on you - make you responsible for helping him stay sober?????

Seriously.

He won't stay sober - as he is not taking full responsibility for it.
And - his track record shows this roller coaster will continue. And eventually - it will kill him and you will bury him. After years of soul crashing life of hope and disappointments.

Is this the sort of life you want?

Happyinarcon · 07/02/2024 02:13

Have you considered naltrexone? I know they offer implants in Australia. Anecdotally it seems to be very effective

Ihadenough22 · 07/02/2024 02:31

Your 28. You have spent 8 years with this man. He is a alcoholic and he will put drink 1st always. He is hiding drink in bottles over the house and in the garage You have also found out that he has over £80 k in debt.
Why are you staying with him? Do you feel like unless your part of a couple your nothing?

Your not married to him. You don't have children. I walk away from him and block him.
At 28 years of age you need to consider your own life and what you want long term.
He has a serious drinking problem. He also has a serious debt and gambling issue.

Do you want to stay with him using your money to support him after he loses his job? Will you be their when he is arrested for dunk driving or causing an accident or killing someone?
Do you want to buy a house or apartment in the future? He will never be in a position to do this. Do you think that having a child with a man like him would be a good idea?
The longer you stay with him the worse it will get. He will drag you down and make your life a misery.

Look at the other posts here of woman who stayed with men like yours and read what they say. Take their advice and end things with him. Do the freedom program to help you notice the red flags and to develop a good relationship with another man.

defiant2024 · 07/02/2024 02:38

Give up on him. Don't be fooled by the sitcoms and movies, he almost certainly won't stop drinking. Move on. If he stops he can come and find you.

MariaLuna · 07/02/2024 02:41

"we aren’t married, but I still believe in the ‘in sickness and in health’ mantra in a long term relationship"

Even to the detriment of yourself?!

I'd dump him and pay for a great counsellor to help you realise why you got into this mess.

Honestly, life is too short to be wasting it on addicts.

BarbieDangerous · 07/02/2024 02:45

shreknjumps · 06/02/2024 22:46

"we aren’t married, but I still believe in the ‘in sickness and in health’ mantra in a long term relationship"

Yeah, that's not a thing. Get out, you're 28 ffs and he's going to saddle you with this shit forever.

1000%

Nofilteritwonthelp · 07/02/2024 02:46

GrazingSheep · 06/02/2024 22:17

Be grateful you have no children with him.

This. Make sure you don't get pregnant

HangingOver · 07/02/2024 02:50

Ah you poor thing. You've been amazing to him. But you have got to think about yourself too, it sounds like you're giving more than youve got.

Re. the gin bottle, impossible to say. DP once found some drugs of mine I'd stashed around the house for emergencies when I genuinely had given up... But he had no way I knowing that I was telling the truth.

Trusttheprocess1 · 07/02/2024 03:02

Another one here who put up with years of this shit. Saddled my children with an absent, narcissistic father who let them down constantly and still does. The years, money and tears wasted on helping him, supporting him and trying to be a family, whilst he lied, drank and gambled to his heart’s content. Now, after a stroke at 40 with all kinds of health issues and still drinking, he’s a bitter, arrogant man with no remorse who will never recognise any help I gave him. Your DP will keep drinking, will keep gambling and will suck every bit of compassion from you without giving anything back. Don’t be fooled. Block him, pack your things and never look back.

Coyoacan · 07/02/2024 03:13

This is what jumps out at me: but he keeps saying that I run away whenever I should be there to support him

AA points out that active alcoholics never take responsability for their actions. Instead of accepting that he drinks because he wants to, he is making out that he drinks because of the actions of someone else. He may have gone to AA meetings but he wasn't paying attention.

MariaVT65 · 07/02/2024 04:58

Please please leave him immediately Op. This is no life for you and he’s bringing nothing to it.

You have already given him multiple chances. How long should this bullshit continue? You HAVE been supporting him but clearly it’s not working because he’s not helping himself, and that’s what needs to be done.

I was also in a position in my early 20s of putting all my energy into someone I loved. It broke me mentally, he never helped himself and it only ended in his death. My regret is wasting so much time trying to help.

I would also really recommend you seek some counselling to talk through boundaries etc, especially to help you get closure on this but to also help you to navigate future relationships.

The debt here alone is a red flag. Don’t continue a life with a man who might leave you in financial shit.

solice84 · 07/02/2024 05:44

Trust me when I say that this has been going on for much longer than you know and most likely before you knew him
As a child of an alcoholic and an ex wife I'm begging you to leave him
There is nothing you can do
These aren't relapses as there wasn't enough time in between these instances for him to have truly worked on it
You will never be able to trust him and he will take you down with him

RowanMayfair · 07/02/2024 05:47

he keeps saying that I run away whenever I should be there to support him

read about codependency. You being there is preventing his recovery. You need to save yourself and stop going back.

KennedyFeets · 07/02/2024 05:58

You have helped him enough. Break up for good even if he gets sober don't get back ever again.

Bananalanacake · 07/02/2024 06:04

Women are not rehab centres for men.

Hummusandstuff · 07/02/2024 06:12

OP if you’re looking for permission to walk away for good we are all giving it to you.

How ‘supportive’ is he being to you putting you in this position? Doesn’t matter if the latest gin bottle thing can be explained innocently. You don’t trust him and that’s enough.

Don’t be falling into the trap of thinking you are some kind of saviour and showing the world you are standing by your man. Fuck that. Move on. He’s had his chances.

Trusttheprocess1 · 07/02/2024 06:14

Bananalanacake · 07/02/2024 06:04

Women are not rehab centres for men.

God, I need this tattooed on my head. Finally learning, but far too late.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2024 06:23

Make your 29th year on this planet a lot happier by leaving him for good.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. He’s also developed a gambling problem.

You are also confusing love with codependency, who taught you to be codependent?. What are you getting out of this relationship?. Your mantra of in sickness and in health does not apply at all, it’s just an excuse that you use against yourself to stay with him. Did you grow up seeing alcoholic parents too?.

Get off the merry go around permanently before you are further dragged down by him as you are now. He’s robbed you of your 20s, do not let him take your 30s too.

Meadowfinch · 07/02/2024 06:28

Walk away. As hard as it is. He won't stop until he hits rock bottom. Don't let him drag you down with him.

I left my dp because I could never be sure he was sober when he drove our ds. I could never leave ds in his care in case he fell asleep drunk. He could never be relied on in an emergency.

I didn't want my ds growing up thinking drunk was ok.

FaiIureToLunch · 07/02/2024 06:31

This is exactly what I went through, I also stayed eight years. Honestly it’s such a huge amount of your life to give to somebody who just doesn’t care enough about their own life to sort out HIS problems.

I met my husband the year I left my partner and although very happy 20 years on, I regret those lost years so much. I could have gone travelling or lived all over the world, instead I was picking up empties and tolerating a bunch of losers in my front room. Luckily I had a good career which never faltered but other than that my life was wasted.

please leave him. Otherwise, You will be having this conversation the following year and the year after that and it will be ever harder to pull yourself back to normality.

seafronty · 07/02/2024 06:40

Leave him. He'll ruin you.

namechangealerttt · 07/02/2024 06:48

My ex husband was an alcoholic. Get out and seek therapy so you can develop your own self worth so you can set higher standards for yourself in how you allow those close to you behave towards you. It's hard, but worth it.

The saying "in sickness and in health" supports the patriarchy. Good women like you and I stay way too long in relationships that we should have walked away from, while men receive free labour.

Anjea · 07/02/2024 07:21

In sickness and in health isn't a thing for a long term relationship.

But if you wanted to think it was, who's looking after your health? He isn't.

FatFemale · 07/02/2024 07:34

You need to draw a line in the sand now and walk away. The cycle youve been in will just continue and do you want to live a life like that? You would be mad to marry and have kids with a gambling alcoholic. So it means you cannot live your life to the full with this person. Plus, if you walk away and end it, hopefully it will give him the kick up the arse to get clean. Whether it does or not is his problem not yours. Dont feel guilty.

good things are, there are no kids here and your not married. Do you own the house or renting?

take control of your future and live a happy and peaceful life