Partner is an alcoholic

[EN0703]

Hi all

just hoping I might be able to get some advice as I feel at a complete loss.

18 months ago I found out my long term partner of 8 years was an alcoholic. He’d always been a heavy drinker but after finding multiple bottles hidden he confessed things had gotten difficult to stop. He stopped drinking but suffered with withdrawal seizures which meant he lost his licence. He commited to stopping drinking but then I found out in Feb last year that he had been drinking to excess in secret again - lots of gaslighting, lies and manipulation later I asked him to leave. Where again he seizured, hallucinations from the withdrawals which has given me PTSD. I decided to try to forgive everything and move forward with him attending AA. Unfortunately he then relapsed again in the may - again secretly with more lies, manipulation and gaslighting. I ended the relationship and he went to rehab. He came out of rehab and I tried to move forward supporting him again but then found out he had developed a cross addiction and had secretly racked up 85k of debt on live casinos. I walked away again as it was another thing that was hidden. We separated for 3 months, he again relapsed in the august. Somehow we ended up coming together again in the October and things have been amazing since, he had been sober for 5 months, no gambling and attending all of his weekly meetings. I thought we were on track again and had committed to accepting that slips may happen but if he was honest from the start and gave me the chance to support him on the front foot I would be there no matter what. Unfortunately he relapsed again last Wednesday and I am at a complete loss. He has done amazingly getting back on the horse the next day and trying to identify what he needs to change to prevent this happening again… but then today I found an empty bottle of water filled partly with Gin in our garage which he can’t explain how it got there and now I just don’t know what to believe. I also feel so confused and scared about the future as it just doesn’t seem like he is fully committing to the sobriety journey with having 3 relapses in 8 months. I am heartbroken as he is the most loving individual but he keeps saying that I run away whenever I should be there to support him - but the emotional toll and self doubt is just killing me. I feel like I can’t fully walk away because I do love him but is this what will happen forever (I’m only 28)

I just don’t want to give up on him but at what point does in sickness and health get pushed to the back over the impact on my mental health and wellbeing

any thoughts or people who have any advise negative or positive would be massively appreciated

thanks

If it’s too hard for you to imagine giving up on the relationship right now, then give yourself 6 months, a year even and see how he is then. Texts the day after are meaningless. Real change, if he is capable, will take time.

in that time, it is not your responsibility to be his carer, nurse, cheer leader or rehab companion.

have you contacted Al anon? They may be useful to you.

I heard that all. Months where he seemed great, like before, he took up new hobbies etc etc, And then the depression kept in or I found the stash and it was all I didn;t support him enough, I didn't understand, my parents were awful and I didn't stand up for him, the world was awful. Then he'd sober and say he loved me and he needed me and he would do anything to get back to me and the truth is every failure chips away at both of you. it damages your trust it makes you feel unloving and unloveable, like you have to save him but you don't and you can't. Only he can save himself. I really beg you to protect yourself. It did such damage to me. I am in therapy, I have a new partner and I am constantly unpicking the feelings I am bad and will destroy him, that i don't support or love enough. My children are in therapy too. Please get out. If he can maintain sobriety alone maybe you guys can reconnect but for now please save yourself. You are so young. You don't want to be me.

Have you been to an AA meeting and listened? I've been a member for quite awhile and have never heard "you drink because you want to" that isn't how alcoholism/addiction works.

Op I am a recovering alcoholic. Do not put this man before yourself. My relationship ended because I wouldn't or couldn't accept I was an alcoholic. I have since given recovery my best shot. Your partner needs to hit rock bottom and accept he is an alcoholic. Don't let him drag you down with him

@EN0703 I'd block his number for the moment. He will lurch between trying to make you feel guilty, blaming you, maybe even to manipulate you by threatening self-harm. Ignore all of it. He is a grown-up and he needs to manage his own recovery. Let him get on with it and get on with your own life without him.

And please be assured that your presence won't change anything. He is just saying what he knows you want to hear at the moment and you've already had lots of experience of how meaningless the promises of an alcoholic in denial are.

Don’t listen to him op. You’ve already given him several chances and he hasn’t changed. Where do you draw the line?

You can't heal him. I'm sorry.

What you can do, is save yourself.

Op if he's going to recover he needs to do it without you, you're enabling him. Stay back, see what he does, give it 6 months, if he's sober and doing well, talk about going back. If it's meant to be, you can wait 6 months. He's got much more chance of success if you're not there. If he doesn't do it, you have your answer.

I agree with this. The longer you stay and keep giving him chances the longer you are enabling him and the less likely it is he will actually seriously want to stop.

You say no two cases are the same however we have 5 pages of comments here that say exactly the same. Everyone who stayed regrets it, many partners have died of alcoholism and the recovering alcoholics on this thread have also agreed that you should leave.

no two cases will ever be exactly the same but there is absolutely a consistent theme here!

well done on moving out. Contact a solicitor and start the process of buying him out.

You need to protect yourself and your dog. Protect whatever assets that you can and please do not be tempted to return. What also stood out from your posts was his blaming you for not sticking by him and the not being honest. That's extremely manipulative. He's not in a place where you should consider being with him.

I can only imagine how painful this all is. Might be worth looking for support groups and also rely on your family and friends for support. Take care.

@DrowsyDragon I'm so sorry to hear. My ex died 10 months after we finally left at 41. Our child was 5 at the time. It's horrific isn't it? Please feel free to message if you ever want to chat, it's not something that many people truly understand x

You have done the right thing. Going back to him will ruin your life and will not save his.

I haven't rtft, but I would say get out now. He might badger you with lovely messages, but I'm sure you'd rather not have the stress of "where is he?"?

He has multiple addictions, but this is blunt, it's his own fault.

When he has seizures, how do you feel? Apart from obviously panicked?I
I really hate to say, if anyone and especially you try to help, it's a waste of your time.

I've been there, I'm 34. My "alcoholic" died at 49. A women, with 3 adult kids.
I know you want to help him, and he probably is an amazing man, but...we all have shit to go through, take a day for yourself.
Would you do what he does? Does he invite you for a drink?

You're so young, you're helping your boyfriend by not being with him. He needs something to make an effort for. He has a disease, probably the only disease that means, you have to be cruel to be kind. He has to do the work and want to be sober, for himself, else it won't ever work.

I really feel for you, but I've had the waiting all night to see if they're alive, the two days gone with no trace ect. Please just value yourself!!

Hi there,

I have a similar situation but shorter relationship. We lived in different countries and a few times was let down on visits and promises to 'call later' ... it made me incredibly anxious as I didn't know what was happening half the time. He basically went on a massive bender last year and it all became apparent. So he stopped and then started again...really heavy social drinking (and my dad was a drinker so it's not as if I'm naive)..a couple of fun nights turned miserable because he would start an argument which was an excuse to leave and go back to the pub. Now he lives with me, so a big move (from USA) but when he's been back home he's drank again and also here. It makes me worry for his health, for our social life and sex life which has suffered. It's not a nice existence because you can't trust completely and start to feel like Sherlock, looking for signs...and they lie and it's a form of gaslighting because it makes you feel like you're in the wrong. I'm older than you and have my own money, so I'm seeing where it goes but also b aware it's not anything a I can control, it has to come from him. If I were 28? I would probably (easier said than done) tell him you love him and will always be there...but until he's sober for at least six months, you need to step away. Things really tough. My own worry if I do this is that he will spiral or do something to himself. Of course that's not my responsibility, but still...sending love and strength, it is so awful to live with xx

You are far too young to be signing up for this as your way of life. He needs to get himself well but only he can do it. You need to move on & live a 'proper' life & be happy.