Partner is an alcoholic

[EN0703]

Hi all

just hoping I might be able to get some advice as I feel at a complete loss.

18 months ago I found out my long term partner of 8 years was an alcoholic. He’d always been a heavy drinker but after finding multiple bottles hidden he confessed things had gotten difficult to stop. He stopped drinking but suffered with withdrawal seizures which meant he lost his licence. He commited to stopping drinking but then I found out in Feb last year that he had been drinking to excess in secret again - lots of gaslighting, lies and manipulation later I asked him to leave. Where again he seizured, hallucinations from the withdrawals which has given me PTSD. I decided to try to forgive everything and move forward with him attending AA. Unfortunately he then relapsed again in the may - again secretly with more lies, manipulation and gaslighting. I ended the relationship and he went to rehab. He came out of rehab and I tried to move forward supporting him again but then found out he had developed a cross addiction and had secretly racked up 85k of debt on live casinos. I walked away again as it was another thing that was hidden. We separated for 3 months, he again relapsed in the august. Somehow we ended up coming together again in the October and things have been amazing since, he had been sober for 5 months, no gambling and attending all of his weekly meetings. I thought we were on track again and had committed to accepting that slips may happen but if he was honest from the start and gave me the chance to support him on the front foot I would be there no matter what. Unfortunately he relapsed again last Wednesday and I am at a complete loss. He has done amazingly getting back on the horse the next day and trying to identify what he needs to change to prevent this happening again… but then today I found an empty bottle of water filled partly with Gin in our garage which he can’t explain how it got there and now I just don’t know what to believe. I also feel so confused and scared about the future as it just doesn’t seem like he is fully committing to the sobriety journey with having 3 relapses in 8 months. I am heartbroken as he is the most loving individual but he keeps saying that I run away whenever I should be there to support him - but the emotional toll and self doubt is just killing me. I feel like I can’t fully walk away because I do love him but is this what will happen forever (I’m only 28)

I just don’t want to give up on him but at what point does in sickness and health get pushed to the back over the impact on my mental health and wellbeing

any thoughts or people who have any advise negative or positive would be massively appreciated

thanks

The writing is on the wall. You need to leave and never look back. He will destroy your life as well as his own.

Stop getting back together with this man, over and over and over.

He will destroy you.

OP he is having a relationship with drink, he keeps going back, along the lines of "in sickness and in health" is he "forsaking all others"? or "loving and cherishing" you?
You are young, please care for yourself, look at his history it's not good is it?

@EN0703 from what I can see you have taken him back 4 times / given him 4 chances already. So how many more chances are you going to give? You are just wasting your life here, he’s not only got an addiction to alcohol but he also has an addiction to gambling and has a very large sum of debt. I don’t understand why you are so eager to stay with him? What is he offering you here other than a life of anxiety? You have give him more than enough chances. This isn’t any sort of relationship, and he isn’t in a relationship with you. His mind is with his addictions, not you. You are so young and have so much life to live, this guy isn’t your future.

How many more chances are you going to give him?

Of course he knows how that bottle of gin got in the garage. If you didn't put it there, he must have. So either he's lying to you, or he was so paralytic he just doesn't remember. Either way is terrible news for your relationship.

There's no future for you here. Thank fuck you are not married and you can walk away from his 85k debt.

You need to end it. He is not fit to be in a relationship. He needs to put 100% into recovery if that is what he wants to do. The fact that he turned to gambling means he hasn't even started to address the roots of his addiction. His recovery hasn't started yet. Get off that roller coaster.

The best thing I ever did was end my marriage to my alcoholic husband, even though he ended up dead 8 months after leaving the family home.

You keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. That is going to happen for the rest of your life until he dies unless you do something about it. It’s entirely up to you - you can’t change him, only your response to him. You aren’t married so the whole sickness and health mantra is bollocks. To me, you are supporting him to the extent that you are making yourself sad and anxious and unhappy. Put yourself first for a change. There is a better life for you out there but you need to cut the cord and stop getting back with him when he crooks his little finger.

Believing in the “in sickness and in health” mantra will only enmesh you more.
He has had lots of help.
He can access lots of help.
You are his get out clause. You will save him ( and you want to ) you will cover for him, you will pay the bills when he can’t. I’ve been there.

He can get sober if he really wants to and live his own life. If he clings to you, comes back to you each time, reaches out to you to show you how clean he is it’s because he wants you as his safety net.
Sorry, but that’s what it’s like.

Put yourself first now - you deserve better

YOU need support and counselling to unpick why you feel you are there to fix him. This is not your job. Get out now while you can and save yourself. And fgs double up on contraception.

You don't want to give up on him but he's given up on himself and sadly you don't matter at all.

You feel awful now. You'll feel even worse as each year passed and your life is ruined until he dies and then you'll be so low you won't have much to live for.

Get out now.

This is really, really important.

He's not taking responsibility for his own sobriety and his own recovery. He's blaming you and probably others for the fact that recovery has not been successful.

If he can't fully recognise that this is all on him to control and commit to, then he'll always relapse.

Get support from AlAnon if you need to understand more but you are not responsible for his recovery.

Run and don’t look back. You are so young to shackle yourself to this absolute train wreck. Addicts don’t care about anything except how to feed their addiction. You can’t save him. I’ve been through this with my mum so many times, so many relapses, so many broken promises, so much devastation. You have to accept that he will either die or choose to get sober but in my experience they have to get pretty close to death to frighten them into really giving it up. He has to really want it and do the work himself. It will take YEARS and you will always be on tenterhooks if you stay with him. And if absolutely nothing else, don’t have kids with him as you will completely mess them up. Sorry this sounds so harsh and bleak but it’s the truth. You are in for a lifetime of misery if you stay with this man.

Trouble is op, you can never move forward with your life with him, so you need to do that without him. You can never marry this man, knowing the financial burden that will put on you. You can never have children with this man, knowing the life you are going to bring them into and the father you are going to saddle them with. You can never plan big things, and have dreams and a future to look forward to, as drink will always cime first for him. You can never sleep easy at night and fully be relaxed in your relationship, as you're always going to be looking for signs he's slipped up again. You need to get out, so you can move on with your own life, and achieve the things you want to do, without someone ruining it all for you, which is ultimately what he's going to do. He needs to be left to figure this out for himself, as the drink isn't impacting his life enough right now to stop once and for all. He still has a loving partner, and a comfortable roof over his head. Leave him, and give him a reason to sort himself out, as he won't do it gor anyone else. Not long term anyway.

Jesus, you’re only 28. Don’t let this lying, drinking, gambling chump ruin your life anymore than he has already. Run.

Leave. Now. I am an alcoholic in recovery and I can see clearly from your OP that he is not taking recovery seriously and he is not engaging with recovery at all. In fact he is putting it all on you with that “you should be supporting me” bullshit. No you should not.
It is up to him and him alone to engage with his recovery. You need to have nothing at all to do with it. He should gain support from AA or other alcohol support group. I would suggest you seek out Al-Anon (for partners and family members of alcoholics) to learn how to “detach with love”.
Good Luck with your choices. Remember that you are not responsible for his.

You need to walk away OP. He is not taking responsibility for his alcoholism and has somehow got you promising to be there if he relapses. That means you have to accept the anxiety that he might relapse at any moment. I’m not sure that is possible in a relationship where you need someone to be available to you. Unless you can detach & have your own independent life (& what sort of relationship is that?) anxiety makes life unbearable. And bad as it is now it would be far far worse if you had children.

He will only stop if he wants to - truth is at the moment, sadly, he doesn’t want to. You are young. I would say your goodbyes and move on and look for someone who will be fully available for you and any future family you have.

He loves the booze more than he loves you, or himself. You can't fix him, he has to want to fix his emotional problems underlying his drinking/gambling.
Leave and find someone who treats you better.

Run - now - and don't look back.
this likely won't end well.
get out before you're pregnant.

there is a better life out there for you!!

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I have left this morning and have decided to stay back at my parents, the guilt and fear I feel is just so overwhelming. We do own a house together and a dog so I hope that I can try to keep things amicable. Nothing needs to happen with the house yet but I’m hoping I can buy him out as I don’t have any debts and a well paying job so I’m hoping that I have made the right choice.
Thanks again for your insights

EX Hwas an alcoholic i didn't realise for a long time - I left after 20 years of marriage. We fortunately divorced before we acquired huge debt so i was able to establish a new life for DD. He ended up institutionalised 12 years ago in his mid forties. I was lucky to meet another wonderful man and remarry.

Please leave OP and do not marry him or have children. Have the lift you want and deserve

You have made absolutely the right decision to leave and should be proud you had the strength to do it. You should feel no guilt, by his actions of relapsing he has shown you that he chooses alcohol over you every time and you will always come second to it unless he chooses of his own volition to stop. It is not your responsibility to make him better and neither is it possible for you to do that, it all has to come from him alone. You're young and have your own life to live, do not waste it on this man. Leave him behind and commit to a better future for yourself.

@EN0703 you have done the right thing. Do not go back to him as the cycle will repeat and the best years of your life will be wasted on worrying and stressing about whether he is drinking or gambling. The fact he was trying to lay responsibility for his drinking on you is a sure sign he is not in recovery.

Do you have children? If not, I would seriously run for the hills. You're only 28, you don't need to live like this. My ex was a functioning alcoholic, it doesn't get any better, it just gets worse.

Well done. You have saved yourself so much more heartache. Stay strong and look forward to the rest of your life without him.