Friends son converting to Islam and expects her to as well

[ithinkitsdone]

Hi there. I wondered if anyone has any advice.

The situation is my lovely friend is a single parent, has been for 15 years.
Her son is now 22 and is a very dominant type and quite controlling of his mum eg
if we are together, he will come and stand between my friend and I and talk at us, putting his hand in our faces so we stop and listen to him. He has put his hands over his mums mouth to stop her saying a word until he is done. I have told him to knock it off but he can get aggressive so his mum has asked us to just go along with it.

he sets the rules for the house.
He decided he was boycotting Christmas last year (which she loves) so she was not allowed any decorations or have visitors or celebrate the day with family. She wasn't allowed to cook Xmas Dinner and had to spend the day at home with him.

He will want to speak at her hours, following her around and wont let her go to sleep until he is finished even if his lecture lasts until 4am

He is converting to Islam and has told her that the house will now follow and obey the teachings.
She wants to respect his new religion but he has now said she will need to wear a hijab around home and he will ensure she converts too.

She knows his behaviour can be out of order but I think after years, she doesn't see that he is controlling her life.

She is v protective and loyal to him of course but has also said she can't take anymore.

We are worried about her but don't know how to sensitively talk to her about it.

Sounds like a future murderer.

She needs to get away from him.

I wonder where he is getting his ‘religious instruction’ from? The Andrew Tate school of dodgy ideas’?

I agree there is a strong smell of Andrew potato about this🥔

Poor woman.

I met a mum at a baby club who had converted when she married her husband. Some of the ‘rules’ she came out with were definitely cultural rather than religious.

She was always covered toes to fingertips and you could only ever see her face. She bullied her mum into giving her (the mums) pet dog away, and issued a load of dos and don’t to her family.

I think some men just pick and choose ‘rules’ the have heard or imagined to conform their own tendencies.

She needs to run.

What next? He decides that he needs to move to Saudi? He decides to become a Mormon? He wants to have an open marriage and take a ’wifelet’. He changes his mind and joins a cult and wants to live in a commune and give away all their worldly goods? How can she trust him?

Yeap. Muslims are also required to treat their mothers with love

Yes but sadly what is ‘prescribed’ and what men do aren’t always the same thing.

He’s just a bully and has found a new hook to hang his misogyny on.

Interpretation changes - look at Cat Stevens - found religion, stopped performing as it wasn’t ‘allowed’, now changed his mind and is singing again.

Your poor friend. This all sounds very worrying. She obviously daren't disobey her own son's orders. It's classic domestic abuse.

Hi all.
A quick update.

I called the ACTS line who were great. Took information and encouraged me to get my friend to contact them.

My call with her didn't go well.
I outlined why I was worried for her on different levels and urged her to contact them.and local women's aid.
She went ballistic, hung up and won't answer any calls and leaves messages all unnread.

I relied that back to ACTS.
I've heard nothing so don't know what action if any they are taking.

I agree with you.

I'm so sorry she reacted that way. If it's any consolation, her response isn't surprising as cognitive dissonance, especially w/ a child, is a helluva mind control. She's upset because somewhere, deep inside, she knows it's true but to accept that will be very painful, so instead, she gets angry at you. You did the right thing, regardless.

I know that deep downshe knows this isn't right.

She has said she can't take it anymore and wants him to leave. She knows she said that to us so it's hard for her to back track and maybe easier at this stage to block.

I told her that I will always be here when she is ready.
We're meant to going on a short holiday in march she hasn't cancelled which I'm taking as positive and hopefully things might be a bit different by then.

Also she seemed to accept somewhat that she was living with abuse but the radicalisation idea tipped her over.

She need to make herself safe kicking him off her life. I bet he is just embracing Islam not because of faith just to be more controlling making his own made up rules and justifying them in a religion she doesn't know so she can't tell him he is wrong.

It is about him being controlling and abusive not about faith.

You were absolutely right to take action OP.
Your friend is in terrible danger but you've done all you can do.

Hope she comes out of this OK.

This is her choice to allow this.

She knows what to do or the basis if she ever wanted to get help and possibly improve her life.

She doesn't for her own personal reasons.

I suggest that you stay out of it, and perhaps put distant between you and her. I know that you're concerned, but your involvement will probably make things worse for her. If you get further involved she will cut you off become angry, and perhaps suggest that you mind your business.

Don't go over there anymore.

You've done all that you can do. She has to have the want, need, desire and motivation to help herself..the rest is up to her.

Actually, I'm wondering if you can have a chat with local police about safeguarding concerns here.

Get on to the police. He is being radicalised.

There is a real problem with young men being told how special and amazing they are, when in reality they have nothing going for them at all. This can be in the form of a patriarchal religion or mollycoddled by a well meaning parent.

This disconnect between someone at home telling you that you are the dogs bollocks, then going out in the world and being surrounded by people (esp women) who are nicer, more attractive, more intelligent, more hardworking, more popular etc. is a shock and it's no surprise that these men are attracted to extremism in either Islam or Incel behaviour (or many others, but these are the two the DS has here). It's a lazy way to put yourself at the top of the pile, just because you were born male without having to actually work on yourself or improve in any way.

We need to learn from it and stop thinking we're improving someone's self esteem just by saying how great they are, but by encouraging them to actually be great in some way. The mother is not to blame for how horrible he has turned out, 22yrs ago you couldn't imagine the internet, for example, but recognising this pattern is important in terms of fixing it.

Instead of allowing the sons interests and opinions to drive every conversation about him, can you try to gently start conversations that you would have if he behaved normally? How is his education/career? Doesn't he want to move out and live with friends? Look genuinely shocked when he does things you have got used to (like putting a hand over a mouth) instead of acting like it is normal. Take him out of the centre of the conversation and introduce a template of normal, if that makes sense.

The freedom programme might be another good idea for the mum. It will reiterate in general terms, what controlling behaviour is, rather than talking about him specifically.

This

And this.

This is literally textbook abuse.

I have reported it and feel I have done what I can at this stage in terms of giving her information.

I don't live nearby so am not a regular visitor to her home.

I have told him to stop, attempted to ignore and carry on with what we are doing /talking about, asked about his life etc.

He is not currently employed and has had many jobs for short periods. He left school after a levels and didn't take up offers of uni and college places. His school friends have moved on and away with not much contact anymore.

Anyhow, I have handed over my concerns and spoke with local support services about what there is for her. I gave her that information and am hoping that she will still come on our planned break.

I have done that via Acts already.

What is ACTS @ithinkitsdone ?
I don't live in the UK.

Your friend is lucky to have you as a friend.