Friends son converting to Islam and expects her to as well

[ithinkitsdone]

Hi there. I wondered if anyone has any advice.

The situation is my lovely friend is a single parent, has been for 15 years.
Her son is now 22 and is a very dominant type and quite controlling of his mum eg
if we are together, he will come and stand between my friend and I and talk at us, putting his hand in our faces so we stop and listen to him. He has put his hands over his mums mouth to stop her saying a word until he is done. I have told him to knock it off but he can get aggressive so his mum has asked us to just go along with it.

he sets the rules for the house.
He decided he was boycotting Christmas last year (which she loves) so she was not allowed any decorations or have visitors or celebrate the day with family. She wasn't allowed to cook Xmas Dinner and had to spend the day at home with him.

He will want to speak at her hours, following her around and wont let her go to sleep until he is finished even if his lecture lasts until 4am

He is converting to Islam and has told her that the house will now follow and obey the teachings.
She wants to respect his new religion but he has now said she will need to wear a hijab around home and he will ensure she converts too.

She knows his behaviour can be out of order but I think after years, she doesn't see that he is controlling her life.

She is v protective and loyal to him of course but has also said she can't take anymore.

We are worried about her but don't know how to sensitively talk to her about it.

@ithinkitsdone what the actual fuck??? who is the parent in the house?? he is a bully and she should be taking steps to evict him from HER home! She knows his behaviour can be out of order! There is no CAN about it, he is definitely out of order!! she may need a lot of help to get him out because I can see that if he stays in the house, then there will be a lot of physical abuse against her taking place!!

She needs help but if she won't listen to how utterly abusive this is she's plainly fucked.

Her DS sounds like the men I used to work with back in the day, high functioning but socially inept neurodiverse types who were what we now know as "incels".
She needs help and refusing to accept how abusive this is she is going to have a horrific time going forward.

He needs kicking out. I'd call the police and ask them to make him leave. I'd actually never allow him back inside my house again. No one can do this nut your friend. Time for her to wake up and take action. He sounds mentally unwell. Police can section him if he's behaving in a way that's unsafe for others/himself.

He is her abuser. I’d inform the police and adult social services.

He sounds utterly unbearable.

There is NO evidenced link between incels and neurodiverse people. Your post is disgusting.

I don't think people are victim blaming but there is obviously a history here. The mom won't even consider he has a mental illness or neurodiverse.

If he is either of those things and she is in denial or sounds like he has been failed in his childhood as well.

I think the religion is irrelevant. He is unwell and abusive and that can't go on forever.

Yeah, he’s abusive and found a weapon to use to facilitate it.

he needs to leave her home

Does he ever go out? I can't imagine he's got a job or any friends.

Do you remember a time when he was just a normal boy, or has he always been rigid, controlling and abusive?

What on earth did she expect if she is so stupid "doting" that she has allowed him to put his hands over her mouth, and told you to just accept his behaviour?

What a daft woman.

Don't tell me - she practised "gentle parenting" when he was young and didnt allow people to use the word "no" to the little prince 🙄

This is awful victim blaming. Plenty of people 'dote' on their children and they turn out to be incredible people who don't abuse their parents.

This is pretty bad, ideally it would be nipped in the bud but it sounds like too late for than now😐

He may have been radicalised as he has this militant approach. Islam is a peaceful respectful religion. She possibly could do with talking to Prevent. She definitely needs to read up on the radicalised youth in Norway about 8 years ago.

I’m torn because I feel sorry for her as she’s in an an abusive situation with her son.

But I’m also annoyed that she’s been enabling him for so long. Eventually he’ll inflict this abuse on some unsuspecting woman. It should have been nipped right in the bud as he’s demonstrating very worrying behaviour.

Yep. He needs to go. Change the locks etc.

What's next, mum wearing a burka, no booze, not allowed to drive a car?

Islam is a peaceful religion.

If he was converting and getting his information from a respectable source he would know that he has no right to insist what his mother wears, hijab isn't required around close family in the home and he is supposed to respect the knowledge and wisdom of his mother.

He is just using Islam as a way of furthering his misogyny and controlling behaviour.

I would refer to Prevent which covers the whole of the UK.

With all due respect, there are some young males with troubled minds that seek solace in Islam as a way to find a cause or a reason for their behaviour and turn to extremism.

An example here

www.essexlive.news/news/essex-news/wickford-man-who-plotted-kill-9070725.amp

This is absolutely domestic abuse.

He does though sound like he is mentally unwell. The ranting lectures until 4am where she can’t go to sleep u til he’s finnished etc sound a lot like a manic episode of agitated depression (a form of bi polar).

Somehow she needs to live separately from him. But I’m not sure how she would go about that practically. I think first steps are women’s aid and her gp

I am becoming very concerned about this thread. Neurodiversity does not equate to any form of extremism. Any belief system- and everyone believes in something - can generate fundamentalist ideology. There is a very disturbing tendency here to what are equally worrying views.

My dear pal was so upset that anyone could suggest that about her son.

Your friend needs to hear the truth and needs to hear it now. Her son is abusing her. She is a victim of domestic abuse and she needs help. Her son has got to go if she is unable to take control back without him hurting her.

I agree.

There is also research showing links between ND/ASD and radicalization of young people. Radicalization for all groups. There is criticism of some of the research.

https://research.manchester.ac.uk/en/projects/susceptibility-to-radicalisation-in-those-with-autism-spectrum-di#:~:text=Clinicians%20are%20now%20considering%20the,to%20critically%20analyse%20radical%20ideology.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5c700673ed915d4a3e8266e7/476_Violent_Extremism_and_Mental_Disorders.pdf

It seems to me that he is using islam as another way to control her.

She does not need to wear hijab at home even if she were muslim. He is a mehram to her.

If he's actually converting he ought to know, respecting ones parents is paramount. Heaven lies at the mothers feet.

If she isn't willing to admit there's a problem i don't see there's much you can do?

At this point it’s not his mom’s concern as to whether he is ND.

She is in a dangerous, abusive relationship and needs all the help she can get, so I’m relieved she has you and others looking out for her.

Hopefully she gets help extricating herself from this horrible situation.

As a Muslim woman she needs to tell her son to be mindful of the status of mothers in Islam. In Islam we believe that heaven is beneath the feet of our mothers and that they should be treated with kindness and compassion all of the things that they have done for us. There are many prayers and famous sayings dedicated solely to our duties towards our mothers. No right-minded Muslim would put their hand over his mother’s mouth to silence her.

If he wants to convert to Islam then he should learn the basics. He can’t just pick and choose the bits that serve his purpose. If she is able to then she should engage him on the specific subject of parents in Islam. If she is not able to for fear of his reaction, than he is just using Islam as an excuse to exert control over his mum.