Friends son converting to Islam and expects her to as well

[ithinkitsdone]

Hi there. I wondered if anyone has any advice.

The situation is my lovely friend is a single parent, has been for 15 years.
Her son is now 22 and is a very dominant type and quite controlling of his mum eg
if we are together, he will come and stand between my friend and I and talk at us, putting his hand in our faces so we stop and listen to him. He has put his hands over his mums mouth to stop her saying a word until he is done. I have told him to knock it off but he can get aggressive so his mum has asked us to just go along with it.

he sets the rules for the house.
He decided he was boycotting Christmas last year (which she loves) so she was not allowed any decorations or have visitors or celebrate the day with family. She wasn't allowed to cook Xmas Dinner and had to spend the day at home with him.

He will want to speak at her hours, following her around and wont let her go to sleep until he is finished even if his lecture lasts until 4am

He is converting to Islam and has told her that the house will now follow and obey the teachings.
She wants to respect his new religion but he has now said she will need to wear a hijab around home and he will ensure she converts too.

She knows his behaviour can be out of order but I think after years, she doesn't see that he is controlling her life.

She is v protective and loyal to him of course but has also said she can't take anymore.

We are worried about her but don't know how to sensitively talk to her about it.

Completely agree. This sounds like radicalisation.

Get help for radicalisation concerns - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

OP your friend is lucky to have a friend like you.

It sounds to me like the son's misogyny and domineering, abusive behaviour are the primary issue and Islam more of a vehicle for them. So adult safeguarding team sounds like a good idea to start with.

Your friend needs to stop being in denial. It's tricky though as she may cut you off if you're too direct about the fact that somehow her son has turned into quite a shit, plainly speaking. Maybe if you can coordinate with other friends so she gets the message gently, but from several sides.

I don't know much about Prevent but would tread carefully - they're ultimately oriented towards public safety/preventing terrorism and may not be very interested in domestic abuse even if (at least notionally) religiously motivated.

PS maybe if your friend holds the line and doesn't take the order to wear headscarf etc - which she anyway should do, because nobody should dictate to her on these issues - this could be the start of her disentangling herself from her son's life. They clearly need to live more separate lives.

His behaviour is unusual and you should report it to the police. They have specific prevent officers for this. You can do it anonymously.

How dare he behave like that to his Mum - and to you??!! Total arsehole & he and his ridiculous ideas need to fuck off. Controlling dickhead.

Your friend is being abused by her son and she is in denial.

His controlling behaviour is escalating. It won’t be long before she will be banned from leaving the house and/ or you and her other friends will be banned from visiting.

There are two issues here.

Firstly he is a radical psychopath and I would personally report him to the police. Your friend’s opinion is irrelevant here, she doesn’t want to hear it and would rather stay a victim, but he’s a danger to more than just her.

Secondly your friend needs to wake up and accept her part in all this. It’s all very well accusing people of victim blaming, but from what you’ve said this child has never had any discipline ever. She needs to put her foot down now and tell him that he will not speak to her like that, and she needs to throw him out and change the locks.

unfortunately if she doesn’t want to do that then she can’t be helped, but you can at the very least bring him to the attention of the authorities.

Is he autistic?

Who cares.

He’s an abusive arsehole, autistic or not, and it’s high time people stopped throuwing in “is he on the spectrum” in response to someone behaving ike a cunt.

the problem with the police going round is that she may well tell them everything is ok so not to get son in trouble and minimise it, the police aren't always that hot on domestic violence anyhow and if she says she is not a victim they may just go away

if we are together, he will come and stand between my friend and I and talk at us, putting his hand in our faces so we stop and listen to him. He has put his hands over his mums mouth to stop her saying a word until he is done

He does this aged 22???? Fuck me.

Your friend needs to ask him to leave her house. He can do what he likes in his own house.

He sounds insane/controlling/as if he has severe MH issues or a personality disorder.

The type of person you describe her son as is the type that would be most likely to cause serious harm both to his mother and others. As a friend I’d be making a referral to adult social services (you can do it anonymously) and share your concerns at how he treats his mother and her obvious fear at upsetting him. She is a vulnerable person and needs protecting from him.

I never made an excuse for his behaviour I merely asked was he autistic

Please consider a referral to Prevent. Islamic radicalisation cases are being out stripped by far right extremism, but this case sounds ominous. It sounds as though he is vulnerable himself.

They can contact the domestic abuse hotline.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Your friend is an enabler. She will be a big part of the reason this situation has gone this far. That is why she does not listen to anyone who points out how unhealthy ( abusive) this situation is. She is co-dependent.
You could try tough love but she'll probably cut you off. We can only support our friends. We cannot help them if they don't want help.

Sadly your friend is in a domestic abuse situation even if she does not realise. Sadly they also always get much worse over time, I have lived that life. She needs to contact some women’s charities who can help her as you would a controlling and violent husband.

As for her son it may possible he could be ND. Not sure why she would have a problem with that as I also am, that’s not a negative. But that is no excuse for his appalling behaviour towards his mother or any of you other females. How could any of you stand there and allow him to speak to any of you like that? I would have told him exactly what I thought.

His poor mum.

...she was not allowed any decorations or have visitors or celebrate the day with family. She wasn't allowed to cook Xmas Dinner and had to spend the day at home with him.

Sorry but she can't be made to do anything. If she's actually going along with this she's choosing to pander to him and it's not going to end well. I think you need to try to get that across to her before this escalates.

I do think he needs reporting because the disrespect he's showing her is really worrying.

She needs to drop kick him. He is just a bully and his ‘conversion’ is just an excuse.

People with ‘new found’ beliefs can be the most exasperating pains in the backside. I worked for the church and would see some folks who had newly found their religion arguing with the vicars, stamping their feet over everything, being pretty awful and nasty bullies to be honest.

Half of my family is Muslim - brought up in a theocracy (although older ones remembered a time before) and none of them act like that. We have Christmas, have been asked to send over Christmas decos and sheet music for the kids to play on their pianos, and generally don’t act like complete jerks.

this man is just awful.

Easy to type that but how is that poor woman going to force him out ? He is out of control and the chances of her dying whilst throwing him out is high.

Also for everyone saying this lady is an enabler. That’s now how domestic abuse and domestic violence works.

I had a violent partner for a decade I was not an enabler I was terrified day and night at what was coming next and if I was going to die. I’d show no emotion, no opinion, no anything, just allow whatever it was to occur and try to take my mind elsewhere to a safe place to survive. As if for example I cried the violence went up quite a few notches and I was trying to do anything I could to not be killed.

So how anyone can say that makes someone an enabler? Very upsetting to think people could honestly think that, this poor lady needs help she is a victim.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

I agree with this.

she’s stuck and needs help. He needs reporting.

There’s a difference between someone who starts out in a relationship which appears normal and which then turns out to be abusive, and someone who has never parented her child, whose child has grown up with 0 boundaries, able to make the rules in the house and now reached the point where he has become radicalised.

There is no knowing that he wouldn’t have been radicalised if she’d parented him properly, but the reality is that he has put his hands over her mouth, prevented her from having conversations with friends, banned her from having Christmas in her own home because she has brought him up to have no respect for her.

When someone commits an awful crime one of the first things which is looked at from a psychological point of view is what kind of upbringing the criminal had, because the upbringing is often a clue as to the kind of person they have turned out to be.

Something similar happened to my friend barring change of religion.

He became so controlling and aggressive with his mother she had to go into hiding.