Friends son converting to Islam and expects her to as well

[ithinkitsdone]

Hi there. I wondered if anyone has any advice.

The situation is my lovely friend is a single parent, has been for 15 years.
Her son is now 22 and is a very dominant type and quite controlling of his mum eg
if we are together, he will come and stand between my friend and I and talk at us, putting his hand in our faces so we stop and listen to him. He has put his hands over his mums mouth to stop her saying a word until he is done. I have told him to knock it off but he can get aggressive so his mum has asked us to just go along with it.

he sets the rules for the house.
He decided he was boycotting Christmas last year (which she loves) so she was not allowed any decorations or have visitors or celebrate the day with family. She wasn't allowed to cook Xmas Dinner and had to spend the day at home with him.

He will want to speak at her hours, following her around and wont let her go to sleep until he is finished even if his lecture lasts until 4am

He is converting to Islam and has told her that the house will now follow and obey the teachings.
She wants to respect his new religion but he has now said she will need to wear a hijab around home and he will ensure she converts too.

She knows his behaviour can be out of order but I think after years, she doesn't see that he is controlling her life.

She is v protective and loyal to him of course but has also said she can't take anymore.

We are worried about her but don't know how to sensitively talk to her about it.

This clearly isn't new (converting is irrelevant). She seems to have allowed this for years and is now enabling him by allowing this to continue. Where else in life will he get this level of control while someone else foots the bill? Imagine what sort of partner he'll be.
This needs stamping on hard. If she doesn't because of some misguided loyalty to her DS she only has herself to blame.
He is abusive, there's not a chance I'd live with him. He's 22. If my adult DC suggested any of the things you quote I'd be concerned they were mentally unwell. He sounds more like a spoilt brat who's never been told no.

Nothing to do with religion just using it as another tool to impose his will on her. Tbh this guy is either a psycho or an angry incel type who takes what Andrew Tate says literally. Don’t know what’s worse.

Just checked out Prevent and it doesn't operate in that part of the UK. But I'm going to call the Act early support line in the morning.

This is not about religion at all, I don’t think he’s in anyway radicalised. It is simply a creative way for this man to continue exerting control. The only reason he will have converted is probably because he has bought into Islamophobic myth that Muslims are inherently as misogynistic as he is. I highly doubt he’s particularly genuine.

Last year at a get together, another friend came who hasn't seen her son for years and asked if he had been assessed for neuro divergence (after having to listen to a lecture for ages on why women are bitches). My dear pal was so upset that anyone could suggest that about her son.

I think the friend might be onto something. Inflexibility and rigidity of thought leap out at me straightaway.

I would contact police non emergency and social services and discuss your (very legitimate) concerns.

This is chilling.

Can't she make him move out?

Sell the house and run?

I honestly think she's in serious danger. Very scary - the putting his hand over her mouth and not allowing her to speak is quite terrifying. As is putting his hand in front of your face to stop you speaking to her. My goodness.

He’s an adult, he needs to move out and get his own place. I assume he has a job, there no reason anything had will happen to him. It’s perfectly normal for young people his age to live in their own place or in a shared flat.

He needs to move out because he is controlling and abusive. Id suggest that your friend doesn’t refer to his religion, as that’s a red herring.

I think your friend should be considering his mental health or whether he could have been radicalised

Absolutely this. She needs the support of the police and a domestic violence charity.

This is victim blaming

This.

If I were you I would report the situation to the local adult safeguarding team/or whichever similar service seems to fit the situation best.

He really does sound like an abuser and someone who could physically harm his mum. This is genuinely worrying, and believe me, I know MN is sometimes known for catastropising but this is not on at all.

He is first of all overstepping the boundaries of a sim to his mother. And is acting as a controlling partner.

Deeply concerning. I hope she can throw him out.

He sounds unhinged - the situation could potentially escalate to something much more sinister and dangerous.
Is he controlling other aspects of her life? Money, where she is allowed to go, has he ever been physical?
Protect your friend OP.

What's the back story with the son? Did he always go to school, does he work, has he had relationships, have there ever been concerned raised by anyone (work, school, college, relatives)? Has he been in trouble with the police?

He is clearly mentally very unwell. Your friend must not try to deal with any of this on her own, it would be unwise and dangerous.

Posters saying chuck him out have obviously never tried as a lone female to forcibly evict a strapping 22 year old male with serious mental health issues. He could kill her. For god's sake, he puts his hand over her mouth to stop her speaking for hours.

If he's actually muslim he would know that the religion says the most important person is your mother, then your mother and then your mother again. He sounds like a controlling man with some mental health issues.

This is domestic abuse and your friend is in danger. Ring the non emergency police number 101 for advice as soon as possible.

It happens where parents are completely in the dark or in denyal of their DC's ND. Perhaps because of being a bit that way themselves- it being genetic. It's a shame he wasn't assessed as a child, the signs would of been there. This would of made him feel like an outcast being amongst NT people who don't 'get' him and probably have ribbed him throughout his life for the way he is. That's why joining a group that doesn't mind him as a member becomes very attractive. It gives a long wanted sense of belonging.
The best you can do is contact prevent, or it's equivalent. That might give him opportunity to get the help he needs. I'm sure they will want to have him assessed.
His mother's passivity has let him down, on some level he probably knows this which is where the dislike of women comes from.

Agree prevent might move things faster.

@Opentooffers

"His mother's passivity has let him down, on some level he probably knows this which is where the dislike of women comes from."

I agree with everything else you say in your post except this last sentence. You really wouldn't say this about an abused wife who had nowhere else to go, no support and was too scared to report her husband. The constant fear and confusion is just the same with an abusive son as it is with a husband. Her passsivity is probably her only mechanism to avoid violence.

? Prevent is UK wide. Or something similar. If you pm me the area - I don't need anything more than that - I can speak to a colleague and find you local information. One of my colleagues is the local PREVENT manager. I've just finished work for leave, but I promise I could get you the information in the next few days.

Yes. This is very true. I'm on the left, I'm not a bigot against Muslims, but this behavior is precisely the kind that indicates red flags to national anti-terrorism groups not just in the UK but all country orgs who work with Interpol. This man just happened to choose Islam as his cudgel du jour, but he is ripe for picking from dangerous groups far more sophisticated than he is.

Please OP, alert law enforcement, especially because your friend is a domestic abuse victim.

A tendency to fundamentalist views and abusive behaviour has nothing at all to do with neurodiverse conditions. It's insulting and offensive to suggest it.