Been with my partner for 3 years. I’m 37, he’s 35. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, he has none.
When we first met he asked if I wanted more kids as he definitely wanted them, I said I would be open to it but don’t mind either way.
For the past year, we have been arguing a lot. Lots of different issues, but our arguments seem to spiral and communication is very difficult. I find him very difficult to bring up an issue with as he immediately goes on the defensive and says ‘im always to blame’ and ‘im not good enough’. If he had an issue we generally work it out so he feels better. Very frustrating.
I feel that he is very unhappy and I’ve told him this. He is constantly complaining about the people he works with. Every day he comes home and moans about the same issues, same people etc and how they’re affecting him and making him feel. Ill also get text messages during the day of him complaining about these people. I tried to be supportive but after months of the same complaints I just find it exhausting to be honest and I did tell him the constant moaning when he comes home has to stop.
He comes home from work and games on his computer and will be on and off it the rest of the evening. He says it’s escapism because he’s stressed and I should take an interest in him playing 🙃 This has been the cause of more arguments and I’ve explained it’s not the gaming itself but rather the frequency and timing of the gaming. He’ll happily sit on it all evening after I’ve cooked dinner, done homeworks, showers, bedtimes and not even bother doing the dishes unless I ask.
He complains that he never sees his family or friends but he never makes any effort to see them, stating that he feels like he has to be here (I feel that he’s shifting the blame onto me/our relationship/my kids here) and I’ve encouraged him to go see them.
We’ve had constant arguments about housework. I’m not a clean freak by any means but I think it’s reasonable to do the hoovering, mop the floors and clean the bathroom once a week and that these tasks should be shared. I’ve generally been left to do these tasks however as he would happily sit for weeks not doing any of it. (He sees housework as doing the dishes or wiping down the kitchen surfaces which he does sometimes do). I also do most of the laundry and order the food shopping as well as working, running a little business on the side and looking after the kids. During one of our arguments we agreed who should do what jobs and that they should be done once a week; this arrangement will work for a week or two and then will slowly fall back to me because he’s stressed or just hasn’t gotten around to it. In a moment of exasperation I told him I felt like I’m mothering him and he was extremely angry and offended.
Our sex life has dwindled, due to a combination of stress, me being exhausted with everything on my shoulders, and to be honest not being as attracted to him because of our issues. I also started sertraline a few months ago.
Anyway, he really wants a child. He says it’s the only thing he can think about at the minute and keeps reminding me that I’m getting older and our chances are decreasing and he wants to have his own child to continue his legacy (?) Any pregnancy or engagement announcements with our friends/work colleagues recently results in him being upset and almost huffing with me. I’ve told him our priority should be working on our relationship first. I feel that he’s actually become resentful about the fact I have kids and have been married before (even though it was awful) and he has brought this up many times.
I don’t know really what I’m asking for on here really, thoughts or opinions on my relationship maybe? Sometimes it’s hard to see the woods for the trees and I’m constantly questioning whether I’m being unreasonable or not.
I think if it wasn’t for my kids I would have left by now but I’m so upset that I will cause them so much hurt, they adore him and would be devastated, as they’ve already went through their parents divorcing.
Thanks