Partner wants a child but constant arguments

[Yonkers456]

Been with my partner for 3 years. I’m 37, he’s 35. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, he has none.
When we first met he asked if I wanted more kids as he definitely wanted them, I said I would be open to it but don’t mind either way.

For the past year, we have been arguing a lot. Lots of different issues, but our arguments seem to spiral and communication is very difficult. I find him very difficult to bring up an issue with as he immediately goes on the defensive and says ‘im always to blame’ and ‘im not good enough’. If he had an issue we generally work it out so he feels better. Very frustrating.

I feel that he is very unhappy and I’ve told him this. He is constantly complaining about the people he works with. Every day he comes home and moans about the same issues, same people etc and how they’re affecting him and making him feel. Ill also get text messages during the day of him complaining about these people. I tried to be supportive but after months of the same complaints I just find it exhausting to be honest and I did tell him the constant moaning when he comes home has to stop.

He comes home from work and games on his computer and will be on and off it the rest of the evening. He says it’s escapism because he’s stressed and I should take an interest in him playing 🙃 This has been the cause of more arguments and I’ve explained it’s not the gaming itself but rather the frequency and timing of the gaming. He’ll happily sit on it all evening after I’ve cooked dinner, done homeworks, showers, bedtimes and not even bother doing the dishes unless I ask.

He complains that he never sees his family or friends but he never makes any effort to see them, stating that he feels like he has to be here (I feel that he’s shifting the blame onto me/our relationship/my kids here) and I’ve encouraged him to go see them.

We’ve had constant arguments about housework. I’m not a clean freak by any means but I think it’s reasonable to do the hoovering, mop the floors and clean the bathroom once a week and that these tasks should be shared. I’ve generally been left to do these tasks however as he would happily sit for weeks not doing any of it. (He sees housework as doing the dishes or wiping down the kitchen surfaces which he does sometimes do). I also do most of the laundry and order the food shopping as well as working, running a little business on the side and looking after the kids. During one of our arguments we agreed who should do what jobs and that they should be done once a week; this arrangement will work for a week or two and then will slowly fall back to me because he’s stressed or just hasn’t gotten around to it. In a moment of exasperation I told him I felt like I’m mothering him and he was extremely angry and offended.

Our sex life has dwindled, due to a combination of stress, me being exhausted with everything on my shoulders, and to be honest not being as attracted to him because of our issues. I also started sertraline a few months ago.

Anyway, he really wants a child. He says it’s the only thing he can think about at the minute and keeps reminding me that I’m getting older and our chances are decreasing and he wants to have his own child to continue his legacy (?) Any pregnancy or engagement announcements with our friends/work colleagues recently results in him being upset and almost huffing with me. I’ve told him our priority should be working on our relationship first. I feel that he’s actually become resentful about the fact I have kids and have been married before (even though it was awful) and he has brought this up many times.

I don’t know really what I’m asking for on here really, thoughts or opinions on my relationship maybe? Sometimes it’s hard to see the woods for the trees and I’m constantly questioning whether I’m being unreasonable or not.

I think if it wasn’t for my kids I would have left by now but I’m so upset that I will cause them so much hurt, they adore him and would be devastated, as they’ve already went through their parents divorcing.

Thanks

Well this is another great relationship to show your kids how normal it isn't! Glad you seem to think it's not right bringing a baby into this it sure won't improve anything and is unfair on everyone right now. If at the age he is he isn't pulling his weight at home then there is a problem. My hubby is younger, works and we have 3 young kids and a teen. Soon as he gets in he dives into whatever needs done wether it be helping teen with homework or bathing or feeding little ones. He loves to game but he doesn't ever do it till they've gone to bed and I can guarantee if one of the young ones play up he will be first upstairs to sort it and put his game off.

Your bf sounds like an immature child and I fear the longer you wait around for him to grow up the worse it will be for all concerned. it doesn’t sound like you want another child, especially not with a man child, which means you becoming more defensive and him more demanding.

This relationship has run its course, you admit this but your fear of another failed relationship affecting your kids keeps you stuck. This is where you need to focus your attention, supporting them when the relationship ends.

@Yonkers456

In a moment of exasperation I told him I felt like I’m mothering him and he was extremely angry and offended.
Perhaps because you hit home and he recognised you were right.

My daughter has recently said she wants us to get married some day because she loves us together.
Your daughter is not equipped, emotionally or by life experience to understand what being married to this man will mean, not just for you but them too. He seems to have no plan on the realities of bringing a baby into this current situation where you are already stressed to the point of having panic attacks and taking drugs to help you cope. How is his life going to change once the baby comes in order for all your lives to improve? How does he see your financial and emotional situation whilst you are in maternity leave, with a reduction in your finances, whilst you still have your own existing children to support?

He's already thinking of how other people can look after his child - where is he in this?

He is already a burden because he's only paying lip service, after a row, to the running of the home he shares with you and your children. Sorry OP, but he doesn't sound as though he's a partner in any real sense of the word. 🌹

If you have a child with this man things won't magically improve, they will get much worse. Throw him back.

DON'T DO IT!

Leave him.

Was he living with his mum or in a crappy bedsit when he happened to fall in love with your house, income and cleaning abilities - oh, sorry, I meant you - ?

You explain that sometimes relationships don't work out and that you're fine and will always make sure they have a happy safe home but that X isn't going to be living with your family any more.

The bar is so low it’s in hell. Liberate yourself from this man child and live your life alone with your kids. And think long and hard before ever moving another man into your family home again!

OP your expectations are realistic. You should expect a DP to fully participate in the family and household. Cleaning, cooking, organising..... you know this I think in your heart.
He doesn't, for whatever reasons, and he won't unless something happens to cause him to re evaluate his whole life choices. So I'd suggest counselling perhaps. But otherwise I'm afraid you are faced with stark choices.
If you so choose to split up, can I recommend that you avoid moving in with a future DP. I've kept separate households for years for this very reason. I know its lovely to move in together but it is disruptive if you split up and honestly probably easier to keep things slightly separate whilst your DC are younger

@Yonkers456 when you say you split costs 50/50 does that include mortgage or rent? Or is he living rent free and just paying 50% of the bills?

@GingerIsBest no this includes rent

Well, that's something at least. Have to admit, I'm surprised though.

the overall point stands - you're not happy in this relationship so you're absolutely right not to have a child and it might be time to end it. Your children may be upset, but I think that a happy mum is a better choice than an unhappy one.

@aitchteeaitch i think you’ve hit the nail on the head, this is how I am feeling but find it difficult to articulate.

@Pinkbonbon when he said about his ‘legacy’ I was flabbergasted all I could do with scoff ‘are we in the 1800’s. He couldn’t see why this way of thinking doesn’t make me want to have a child with him.

Yeah I would have took off running at that.

You can really tell mysoginists by their word choices. They want 'traditional women', children are the man's 'legacy' ect...

And that's backed up by the fact you do everything in the home. Because he sees cooking, cleaning and childcare as women's work.

I wouldn't be surprised if he also makes derogatory comments about women. Eg: 'bitch' and 'slut'. And the standard 'my ex was crazy'.

Mysoginists usually tell on themselves.
They see women as sex sources, maids and incubators for their 'legacies'.

Even when it isn't shown in words, you see it through their actions.

I wonder if the reason he actually got offended by suggesting you mother him is that he probably loves his mother and it's related to the maddona-whore falacy. An idea that narcissistic men see women as either pure maddonas to be reveered - eg, mum/the person they are dating at the START of the relationship. OR sluts, whom they can treat badly and exploit (and this can be the partner who has fallen off the once existing pedestal that they were on during the love bombing process).

Alternatively it's likely he got so offended - because no one gets more offended than a narcissist being accused of something that they definately did do.

Either way your life isn't going to change with this man in it. At least, not for the better.

Getting rid of this miseryguts should have been your first move before going on antidepressants!
BTW, 'woe is me, the world is out to get me' is very common in 'covert narcissists' so much so that they are often called vulnerable narcissists.

I hope you get away from him quickly and cleanly. I suspect he'll threaten self harm if you tell him you're ending it, he seems the type. But know that it's bs. And even more reason to leave, not to stay.

@Pinkbonbon yes thank you, god I wish I could explain this to him the way you’re speaking, our arguments just go round in circles and it’s so confusing, it’s like we’re on completely different planets 🤯

It does feel misogynistic, that I’m just there to carry his child for the benefit of his legacy. Yuck.

He's showing you how he'd be as a father most likely - detached, moaning and gaming, meanwhile leaving all the workload to you.
Plenty of women when faced with this situation then go on to think and hope that their man will have an epiphany and snap to it all once they become a father - doesn't happen. Old habits die hard and you'd most likely be left with doing all you do now, plus looking after a baby - think you're tired now? It's telling that his reasons are about 'legacy'. So nothing about the work involved being worth the love given and recieved? It's almost as if in his mind, out pops a legacy that will magically get to adulthood without any effort being required so no discussion is required. In fact he already has an expectation that other people will be doing the rearing for him.
You've got a manchild, he's not grown up by now, so this could be for life. He's 34 and has no property or security or family of his own for a reason, it takes effort to achieve those things in life. He's come close by default, by moving in with you - which for him has been minimal effort.
It's down to him to decide to take an active part in life. He tried probably for the first year you lived together, but hasn't maintained any effort, doesn't look like he's got it in him for 18 years of a DC's life.
You need proof, he has to play an active roll in the family life that is before him now. Tell him straight what effort you need - I have a notion he will still refuse. No effort, no baby. Don't think of marrying him, you'd just be handing him half of all your assets.
As far as complaining about others goes, he is the common dinominator so he is the one that needs therapy to sort himself.

I always say on here you sound NEVER have to explain to an adult why hurtful and horrible behaviour is hurtful and horrible.

And for me that it's acrually the number one indicator that you are in an abusive relationship.

If you find them staring at you blankly as if they just don't understand. If you find them telling you you're oversensitive or you overreact. If you feel stuck on a merry go round of explaining basic human decency and empathy to a full grown adult.

It means you are dealing with an abuser.

Because they DO understand. They just.dont.care.

But of course, they don't want you to know that. They want you to think you are just not explaining properly...or perhaps, it's you, that you're the problem

Stop trying to explain to him why his obviously shitty behaviour is shitty!

He knows!

There.are.no.right.words.

Explain to yourself that this fucker is conning the shit out of you! Get off the merry go round! And run for the hills

I think you already know your own mind.

Without saying so explicitly, you've explained all the ways in which he's going to be a terrible parent. You can't have a child with this man.

The relationship is making you unhappy, and although he was lovely in the past, I can't see how he's good for your kids anymore.

You say that this will be your last relationship – but who knows what life may bring?

The line I would take with him is that you are not going to have a child with him because you don't think he's capable of taking on parenting responsibilities with you. So you want to make that clear, to let him have a chance at starting a family with someone else.