Partner wants a child but constant arguments

[Yonkers456]

Been with my partner for 3 years. I’m 37, he’s 35. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, he has none.
When we first met he asked if I wanted more kids as he definitely wanted them, I said I would be open to it but don’t mind either way.

For the past year, we have been arguing a lot. Lots of different issues, but our arguments seem to spiral and communication is very difficult. I find him very difficult to bring up an issue with as he immediately goes on the defensive and says ‘im always to blame’ and ‘im not good enough’. If he had an issue we generally work it out so he feels better. Very frustrating.

I feel that he is very unhappy and I’ve told him this. He is constantly complaining about the people he works with. Every day he comes home and moans about the same issues, same people etc and how they’re affecting him and making him feel. Ill also get text messages during the day of him complaining about these people. I tried to be supportive but after months of the same complaints I just find it exhausting to be honest and I did tell him the constant moaning when he comes home has to stop.

He comes home from work and games on his computer and will be on and off it the rest of the evening. He says it’s escapism because he’s stressed and I should take an interest in him playing 🙃 This has been the cause of more arguments and I’ve explained it’s not the gaming itself but rather the frequency and timing of the gaming. He’ll happily sit on it all evening after I’ve cooked dinner, done homeworks, showers, bedtimes and not even bother doing the dishes unless I ask.

He complains that he never sees his family or friends but he never makes any effort to see them, stating that he feels like he has to be here (I feel that he’s shifting the blame onto me/our relationship/my kids here) and I’ve encouraged him to go see them.

We’ve had constant arguments about housework. I’m not a clean freak by any means but I think it’s reasonable to do the hoovering, mop the floors and clean the bathroom once a week and that these tasks should be shared. I’ve generally been left to do these tasks however as he would happily sit for weeks not doing any of it. (He sees housework as doing the dishes or wiping down the kitchen surfaces which he does sometimes do). I also do most of the laundry and order the food shopping as well as working, running a little business on the side and looking after the kids. During one of our arguments we agreed who should do what jobs and that they should be done once a week; this arrangement will work for a week or two and then will slowly fall back to me because he’s stressed or just hasn’t gotten around to it. In a moment of exasperation I told him I felt like I’m mothering him and he was extremely angry and offended.

Our sex life has dwindled, due to a combination of stress, me being exhausted with everything on my shoulders, and to be honest not being as attracted to him because of our issues. I also started sertraline a few months ago.

Anyway, he really wants a child. He says it’s the only thing he can think about at the minute and keeps reminding me that I’m getting older and our chances are decreasing and he wants to have his own child to continue his legacy (?) Any pregnancy or engagement announcements with our friends/work colleagues recently results in him being upset and almost huffing with me. I’ve told him our priority should be working on our relationship first. I feel that he’s actually become resentful about the fact I have kids and have been married before (even though it was awful) and he has brought this up many times.

I don’t know really what I’m asking for on here really, thoughts or opinions on my relationship maybe? Sometimes it’s hard to see the woods for the trees and I’m constantly questioning whether I’m being unreasonable or not.

I think if it wasn’t for my kids I would have left by now but I’m so upset that I will cause them so much hurt, they adore him and would be devastated, as they’ve already went through their parents divorcing.

Thanks

The best thing you can do for your children is leave this sorry excuse of a man, follow through on no more relationships and start helping them unlearn what they've learnt about relationships so far so they get into good ones as adults not shit ones like the one you're currently in.

It sounds like things went too fast with this wanker and his true colors came out when he moved in with you.

Did he move into your home?

Your children really will be OK if he moves out. You could get them into some therapy to process any feelings they have.

And yes, they really do pick up on tension in the house.

@GingerIsBest i think it’s more of a victim mentality than anything else. He thinks people are out to ‘assassinate his character’ which is why if I say anything critical he goes straight on the defensive.

We split the bills, I earn less than him but we pretty much pay 50/50, but then my kids aren’t his so is it fair to expect him to pay for them? He is really good in that he helps me out with birthday presents/Christmas etc which he doesn’t have to do technically

@RantyAnty yes he moved in with us.

I suppose what he sees is that he moved into my house, with my kids, my pets etc (although we got a dog together last year) so everything surrounding him is ‘mine’ and not ‘ours/his’ but I made an effort for him to have his space for his things and ours together so that it’s our home.

Perhaps your children need to be aware that it's not all rosy (I don't mean expose them to rows) so that it's not such a shock when you split

Because split you must.

Whose house is it?

@Nanny0gg how do I do that without burdening them with adult problems/taking on a parenting role?

He seems to spend his whole life moaning about everything yet does nothing to make any changes or sort any of it out. Almost all of that is within his control, but he is sidestepping any responsibility for making any changes himself. He has homed in on the one thing that isn't something within his control (a baby), and is blaming you for it.

It is almost as though he believes that everything in his life would change for the better if only you would crack on and provide what he wants. And because you won't do that, he's making it your fault.

I haven’t really heard a reason to stay .

You say your kids aren’t affected . I would just like to point out this is their role model for a man .

You say they would be devastated - the other side what when they realise he isn’t interested in them anymore .

You have had some harsh replies on here. .

The post about your birthday summaries what I have read - everything has to be about him even your birthday.

I think it’s more of a victim mentality than anything else. He thinks people are out to ‘assassinate his character’ which is why if I say anything critical he goes straight on the defensive.

Ugh, it's very hard to get rid of this. He sounds awful.

Run for the hills OP!!!! And do not look back.

He doesn't care about your kids and he doesn't pull his weight.

Your relationship sounds miserable. Get rid, surely!

Well he sounds absolutely dreadful. Whiny, manipulative and lazy, what a catch! You need to open your eyes, is this the role model you want for your kids? You sound pretty sorted otherwise, you and your kids will do just fine without this dead weight. Honestly, don't waste any more of your valuable time on this guy.

OP, I really feel for you and I am sorry that most of us are kind of hard on you, but we are just being honest. I have to say that I get really upset when I see women putting up with men, like you are doing, but with no apparent benefit for you. Some women just do not want to be alone, I think, so anybody is better then nobody.

A lot of people are talking about your kids, but let’s focus on you. What do YOU get out of this relationship? Surely you did not get into it for the kids, you got into it for you, you loved him, didn’t you? But he is not a very good match for you, to put it mildly, and on top of it he wants to have a child. So, he is totally irrational, delusional almost, to want to bring a child into a relationship that is very unstable.

I totally understand that you are worried about your kids, but you cannot stay in this just so that you will not hurt your kids. Eventually, you will become resentful, you two will most definitely start fighting and the kids will see it, sooner or later. And then what? This relationship is not sustainable.

Like I said in my first post, run OP. And yes, do not get into another relationship for any foreseeable future. I am sure that you are strong enough to raise these kids on your own.

I think neither of you sound happy so ending the relationship would be best. You know children thrive best in a secure happy family and that doesn't sound like you and your DP. He does nothing at home to help and just moans about his work colleagues and shows no interest in you or your existing kids. You will be the one he will expect to give up your career and honestly he sounds clueless about the emotional and financial cost of having a baby. Your children will be fine as this can't be good for them living with this self involved manchild.

I'm going to try and be respectful but I don't think you are going to like what I have to say. I've read the entire thread and you are defending this man while also telling us how he treats you badly. You sound afraid to leave him or rather afraid to tell him to leave, I don't mean afraid in a physical sense but in an emotional way. He moved into your home, earns more than you but pays out less, does bugger all to help around the house, spends his spare time gaming and thinks you should show an interest in that, moans about his job, not just in the evening but by text throughout the day (is he looking for a new job? I doubt it), is pressurising you to have another baby buy won't even discuss childcare etc, expects his 80 years old granny to help out, you've praised that he's helped you out with Christmas and birthday presents for your children while you're putting a roof over his head. Please realise that your children are watching their wonderful strong independent loving mother disintegrate in front of them, you may believe they don't notice anything but deep down they do, your daughter saying she hopes you marry him is the same as believing in the tooth fairy, it's a fairytale of fancy dresses and flowers, when she grows up a bit (and I mean a bit, just a few years) there's no way she'll want her mother tied to a man like the one you have. Would you want her with someone like him? I doubt it. I was a single parent, merely my husband when my dc was 8, started dating when he was 9, married when he was 16, never lived together before that BUT even before we got engaged a year before we married my husband insisted on buying the Christmas presents for my dc, PlayStation etc, he paid for holidays and days out, he went to school plays and concerts, drove my dc and their friends wherever they needed to be, he made life easier for me by being involved in our lives, we lived a three hour drive apart but he'd drive to us after work simply to go bring my dc to a scout event so he wouldn't be the only child there with no father figure present. This is what it should be like, not the tense pressure that you appear to be under, if you were my sister I'd firstly give you a hug and then remind you what you are worth and you are worth far more than what this guy is giving or will ever give. He needs to go, you will be fine, your children will be fine, it'll be difficult for a while but the change in you will happen and you'll be happy again. It'll take a lot of strength because he's right under your skin at the moment but be strong, show those kids that being in the wrong relationship is not something any of us have to accept.

Long past the time to ruuuuun!

Leave for your kids. You don't want them growing up thinking relationships that are constant arguments where women have to do all the work are normal, do you?

Because right now that's what they are learning.
That and to stay with assholes. And to away with people we obviously don't even like.

He wants you to have a baby so you'll be too exhausted to leave.

Also...'his legacy' - vomit 🤢 🤮
Men like him shouldn't have kids. They're a burden on women and society as a whole. And children are not legacies. They are not extensions of us that exist to carry on (usually very common) surnames. They are individuals. Who deserve two loving, responsibly, happy parents. Not to be brought into volatile messiness with useless manchild fathers.

Ps: arguing all the time isn't normal.

Even one or two arguments a year is a lot.

Saying that, I only remember one relationship where we had an argument once. Apart from that the only other relationship where there were arguments was an abusive one. Abusive people like to leave you exhausted so they are constantly starting nonsense or doing things to upset you and stress you out.

Normal relationships are supposed to make your life easier and ...lighter. Not more exhausting.

If your children love and adore this lazy horrible man who does fuck all but game all night, who upsets their mother, that shows you how dysfunctional things are in your home.

Why do they adore him? Do you think it’s normal for children to adore a man with a rotten character like your partner? They’re not even related. Stop making out it will be the end of the world for them. It wont.

He comes home from work and games on his computer and will be on and off it the rest of the evening. He says it’s escapism because he’s stressed and I should take an interest in him playing 🙃 This has been the cause of more arguments and I’ve explained it’s not the gaming itself but rather the frequency and timing of the gaming. He’ll happily sit on it all evening after I’ve cooked dinner, done homeworks, showers, bedtimes and not even bother doing the dishes unless I ask

What do you want/need a man like this for? Are you not bored rigid? all this on top of him being a right Victor Meldrew and making home life miserable.

It'd be a no thank you & goodbye from me. Lifes far too short. Take back your peace

Don't stay for the kids!

Leave for the sake of their happiness!

This man brings nothing - zero, nada, nothing - to your lives.

You would help them get over it by talking, listening, and explaining to them that relationships don't work when one person treats the other person badly.

Then you put your energy into their lives and building a happy home for them instead of being dragged down to the point of needing sertraline by the constant whining of a man who doesn't work well with others and thinks it would be everybody else's job to take care of his theoretical child, and won't do his share of housework.

Don't hide behind the children here. It's time to lead. They can see how this 'man' treats you, and they can tell when he has broken you down to the point where you need medication to cope.

They would appreciate having their mother's full attention and full energy back, I guarantee.

And your relationship is causing you to be on sertraline op? And giving you panic attacks? That’s really serious.

Basically op, your dp is making you miserable and, with the best will in the world, you can’t be a great parent to your dc in that state. It is wearing you down. Your dc will be happy when they know that their mum feels happy.

I understand your concerns about your dd in particular, but your relationship with this man is only relatively young and it sounds as though he love bombed you and your dd and he can’t keep up the facade now.

Do you really want your daughter to learn that relationships are about women doing all of the housework, carrying all of the mental load, working and running a business on the side while her dp sits on his behind gaming all evening?

You have only been with this man three years and in the past year the honeymoon period has well and truly worn off and he has shown himself to be immature, argumentative, a selfish freeloader, with a victim mentality, who blames others for his problems, who doesn’t put any effort in to his relationships or take responsibility for his actions. He’s also pretty unintelligent if he thinks a child is going to miraculously going to solve all his problems in life.

Tbh it’s good you are not having sex often because I would be very worried about an accidental pregnancy with this man as you would then be tied to him forever.

I think you are looking at this in a very black and white way op as if this will be your last ever serious relationship. You are only young. Yes you need to focus on your dc now but they grow up and move on in the blink of an eye and there will be time in the future for relationships again.

In your shoes, I would take the dc away for the weekend and ask your dp to move out while you are away. At the same time I would explain to your dc, in an age appropriate way, why you are unhappy and why you’ve asked your dp to move out. Tell them you understand that they will be upset and they can talk to you about that but also talk to them
about the things you are going to do together as a threesome. Give them things to look forward to and get your friends and family on board too if they are available to help.

How can you have any respect for a man who can’t seem to understand babies need childcare and his ageing parents might not want to provide that? That very very few grandparents want to drive a 2 hour round trip daily for long days of childcare or can necessarily afford it? Or that you won’t want to drive a baby 2 hours before work and again after work?’I couldn’t live in the same house as such stupidity.

My advice is that you end things with him. Your with him 3 years and the honeymoon period is over. This what your life is like with him. He lives in your house. He does no housework. He comes home from work and spends every evening playing computer games. He complains that he does not see his family or friends but he makes no effort to meet them.
He comes home from work and complains about his job and co workers. If he is that miserable in his job why wont he look for another?

He is 35 and he wants a baby. I presume that his friends or family around his age have or are having children. Despite wanting this he refuses to talk about the practical aspects of this.
He thinks his grandmother is her 80's will mind this baby and that won't happen. He also seems to think that having a baby will suddenly make his life better.
Has he any idea how hard having a baby is? How expensive it is? The cost of childcare and how hard it is to get in certain areas? Does he realise with a baby he can't pay computer games every evening and expect you to do everything for this baby?

Your 37 with a 8 and 11 year old. Your kids are past baby and young child stage which is hard going even for 2 parents who are both doing their share of the night feeds ect. This loser will leave it all to you if you get pregnant. He will complain when the baby cries, complain when the house is not clean, his washing is not done ect.
Also at your age you have higher chance of having a child with special needs and not all of these are appart at birth like autism.

You mentioned as well that your currently taking some drugs for your mental health.
You need to consider your own mental and physical health because you have 2 children who are depending on you.

I would tell him that your relationship is over and you have not been happy for a while. Tell him that your glad that your 2 kid's are getting older and because of this you don't want anymore kid's.

He wont be happy with this but he is not adding anything to your life.

Oh for god’s sake, he’s shit, he’s lazy and whingey, don’t have a baby with him, you’ll have to do all the nights, all the cleaning up, all of it because he will be busy gaming and being whingey and lazy.

You don’t owe him a baby and you can spare a child a shit dad by not doing it.