Constant cheating accusations - why is he so paranoid?

[whendidisaythat]

My partner is driving me crazy. We've been together not much over a year and he seems to have major trust issues. Early on in our relationship I noticed he had a tendency to over-analyse things I said to question if I believe in monogamy (which I do) or if I had feelings for other people.

These accusations started to build over the last few months and they've got quite intense. He flat out accused me of cheating about six months ago because (after I got a coil fitted) I had discharge and had worn a thong to work that day. Since then, there have been lots of random accusations. He gets very anxious when I go out for drinks with male colleagues and there is one particular male colleague (who years back I had a crush on) that he is especially suspicious over (who I wouldn't go for a drink with one on one, because it would be disrespectful to my partner). He has demanded before that I stop going for drinks with male colleagues, that I stop speaking to this other male colleague at all, accused me of cheating because the same man appeared twice in pictures from a day out with my family (coincidental), accused me of secretly being in contact with my ex because he saw their first name on my phone (it was a song by a singer with the same, very common, first name!), accused me of hiding something because someone whose number I don't have saved messaged me, accused me of cheating because the passenger seat had been moved in my car and I forgot my uncle had been in the car...

Some of it has improved (he's stepped back from the ultimatums over me drinking with male colleagues, for example, which is part of my job) but I feel like he has absolutely zero trust in me, even though I haven't so much as glanced at someone else.

He's broken up with me a few times and we've quickly got back together, but in that time he was asking a lot about whether I had slept with someone else (when it had been just a few days!!) and whether I saw us as exclusive while we talked through our issues (which I said I did).

All of a sudden last month he mentioned we should get STD checks because he still is suspicious of his ex gf. We've been together for nearly 1.5 years and we both did an STD check before we first slept together. I would usually see this as cast iron evidence of him cheating, but logistically it's not really possible he has been sleeping with someone else. I think he must have suggested this because he was suspicious that I had slept with someone else while we were very very briefly broken up? Even though he asked me and I said no. It had only been a few days so it didn't even occur to me to ask him.

He hasn't really been in relationships before and so he hasn't ever been cheated on. There wasn't infidelity in his parent's marriage. I did cheat on an ex but that was over a decade ago and I've learned a lot from it in the time that has passed.

This is never going to change is it?

That is a very good point re values. He is a very "liberal" guy outwardly but he was raised in a highly conservative household where women are seen as wives and mothers, basically. He talked a lot about how he didn't want a life like that but when he was angry sometimes little things slipped out. Like talking about how he didn't want me to socialise with male colleagues - he said "it's not normal where I'm from". Then he tried to lie and say he meant it's not normal at his work (which actually, I think is also untrue). Then he later admitted that was a lie.

So yeah, regressive values are definitely a part of it. I'm feeling angry today. I tried really hard to be a good partner and he did not value that or treat me kindly.

I think lots of abusive men are actually deeply misogynist. Part of why they don't recognise it as abuse - what they want/think is, to their mind, perfectly normal and natural and it's not abuse to expect a woman to behave in a certain way.

Definitely that is true of my ExH. He grew up with a mother who did everything for him and the family, but without having an equal say. He fundamentally didn't respect me as his equal. I think maybe where I'm going wrong is that I don't respect myself much

Have you called it a day yet? Instead of wasting your life on him, you could be finding Mr Right.

He's saying I treated him like dirt! Because I was ungrateful about the present he got me for my birthday (which I really was, to be fair, but I've apologised a ton about it).

How come you're still in touch? I thought he ended it? You need to block this man and never have contact with him again. He's utterly toxic.

@whendidisaythat you can try just agreeing with him - "yes, that's true, so don't message me"

you are a victim of your own kindness - being loving and supportive is good, but only towards right people

OP please just block him. He will worm his way back false promises or play on your good nature and you'll eventually cave if not immediately then eventually. This is a seriously unhealthy relationship and the best thing you could do is spend some time single and work on your own insecurities and boundaries. There are good men out there don't settle for this shit.

Abused women can become addicted to a controlling, abusive partner. Some even lose their DC to Social Services because they refuse to give the man up.

He's saying he wants to get back together if we both work on ourselves over a long period (say 9 months to a year) and both still want that. I'm doing therapy this weekend (already booked and not because he suggested getting back together) and he's suggesting he'll ensure he gets better sleep and eat better to help him manage his anger...not sure I agree that constitutes working on your issues!!! Ha. I'm going to go NC for a couple of months.

Absolutely.

The anger excuse is actually a way of blaming the victim. There's always the hint that the victim did something to set him off because normal people see life through a prism of cause and effect.

The abuser is generating all the anger (or the displays of anger) himself. There's no rational cause and effect dynamic in relationships where one person is abusing the other.

OP - stay NC. Keep this abuser out of your life.
He will never accept any responsibility for his treatment of you. He will never hold himself accountable.
As long as you keep engaging with him he will consider that an invitation to keep on treating you horribly.

I'm going to go NC for a couple of months.

Why not permanently?

Surely you can see that this man will never bring you happiness, peace or security?

He is training you.

He's trying to gauge how much you want to be oppressed, so he's dangling the carrot of a continued relationship. If you are relieved that he still wants you and you accept the 'issues' are partly your fault, he'll see how conditioned you are to the abuse and proceed on that basis. You can expect much more if you stay in the relationship.

He's asking you to hand yourself to him on a plate here.

Dump him, for the sake of your own sanity. He will reduce you to a shadow of yourself if you keep him in your life. It will happen slowly, until one day you'll wake up and realise you're being destroyed and it will be very hard for you to see a way out.

Also, fwiw, imo you're dealing with a sociopath.

Tell him to leave you alone for 9 months and if he feels he's worked on himself he can contact you and see how you feel then. You spend that time getting over him and moving on. Never take him back!

you can live the rest of your life without talking to him - his audacity is mind-blowing

you don't owe him anything - you don't need to work on yourself for him, you don't need to stay in touch, you don't even need to reply

remember that he broke up with you, let the consequences bite him

I just want to work on myself anyway, I always do. I am a bit guilty of picking myself apart and trying to improve everything all the time. I see it isn't a trait he and I share! I was a bit stunned when he suggested we both try to change and I said "well I'm already in therapy, going this weekend" and he said "I'm going to get myself more organised and sleep on time, etc". Maybe he's not as self aware as I always thought he was...

@whendidisaythat or he is aware of his issues but would rather weaponise them to control you then work on himself.

He really reminds me of my ex who also suggested we both work on ourselves after i left him...then told me off for not being positive enough about his apparent change (as in I told him I did not want to get back). People like this won't change because they don't want to - he wants you to do as you're told, in his eyes your unwillingness to subordinate is the problem, not his anger and paranoia. Not to mention that for people like him it is very convenient to have someone whom they can always blame for whatever set them off that day

@whendidisaythat This relationship is really bad for you. If you said to me, should I remain in this relationship or return to it? If say a resounding NO! In much the same way I'd say NO! if you asked me if you should drink a bottle of vodka every night.

Tinkering with it is comparable to saying, well then I'll try only three quarters of the bottle a night. It's never going to be good for you. You need to quit.

Yeah I do feel this is a clash of values; I'm not sure exactly what it is but it definitely seems like the break ups always coincide with any kind of ego blow. Like he has a very fragile ego and then tells me I'm a terrible person because I upset him. Surely in a relationship people DO upset each other, and you have to be willing to raise it (the upset person) and resolve it (the person who did the upsetting)? You don't just say "you're a shitty person" and break up because someone did something you find hurtful. Or am I wrong about this?

@whendidisaythat you're right...I would even go further and say that just because someone is upset does not mean the person who upset them was wrong.

But these things need to be discussed and resolved together, what he is doing is literally punishing you for allegedly upsetting him. Once that dynamic is established anything he doesn't like will be a reason enough for him to be upset and punish you

True - though I think all feelings are valid. They might not all be a reasonable response to the situation but I'd be sympathetic to someone feeling triggered. But yeah, I don't think he is reflecting on his behaviour, and I am wondering whether he has any awareness of what he is doing. He told me "I hadn't accused you of cheating for a while" (as evidence, I suppose, that it is unreasonable for me to still be upset about it) but the last time was actually in December so not really that long ago...

I'm staying angry at him which is helpful as it completely kills any desire to be back together. Thanks for the help with that on this thread.

No this will not get better but it will get worse.

My ex constantly accused me of cheating. He left me a broken soul with a baby. Guess what? He was the one cheating.

Get rid of him.

He told me "I hadn't accused you of cheating for a while" (as evidence, I suppose, that it is unreasonable for me to still be upset about it) but the last time was actually in December so not really that long ago...

"I haven't accused you of cheating for 8 weeks" - that's a selling point, is it? Just lol

You know he's going to do it again if you get back together.
It's as predictable as the sun rising.

Now you've given some indication of his background - parochial, chauvanist, "conservative", women as dependant, subordinate home makers; it's obvious how his values and outlook have been formed and I'd say they are entrenched. You can't undo that. The man I was with hated being single, was over the moon to have pulled a younger woman with looks that are his type, no baggage, generally easygoing, well spoken, presentable etc etc. He didn't want the relationship to end, he was still trying to keep it going when I was ending it. He had been earnestly warned over 5 times that if he didn't stop his behaviour (of anger and blow ups and temporarily dumping me when I socialised separately from him, that the relationship would end .....and he could not stop. I don't think he could have stopped for a million quid.

Your ex has not had one lasting relationship to date because of his values and behaviour, and he's fucked this one up for months too (he'd have been dumped 50 times over by some women by now) .... He hadn't change.d through all of that, so I doubt he's going to change now. If he was capable of it, he'd surely have done it by now, to save a previous relationship; he'll say they weren't important enough to him and you'll want to believe they weren't and that you're special and different .....that would be delusion. And delusion that will keep you wrapped up with a batshit abuser for months or years more .. wasting your precious time.