Constant cheating accusations - why is he so paranoid?

[whendidisaythat]

My partner is driving me crazy. We've been together not much over a year and he seems to have major trust issues. Early on in our relationship I noticed he had a tendency to over-analyse things I said to question if I believe in monogamy (which I do) or if I had feelings for other people.

These accusations started to build over the last few months and they've got quite intense. He flat out accused me of cheating about six months ago because (after I got a coil fitted) I had discharge and had worn a thong to work that day. Since then, there have been lots of random accusations. He gets very anxious when I go out for drinks with male colleagues and there is one particular male colleague (who years back I had a crush on) that he is especially suspicious over (who I wouldn't go for a drink with one on one, because it would be disrespectful to my partner). He has demanded before that I stop going for drinks with male colleagues, that I stop speaking to this other male colleague at all, accused me of cheating because the same man appeared twice in pictures from a day out with my family (coincidental), accused me of secretly being in contact with my ex because he saw their first name on my phone (it was a song by a singer with the same, very common, first name!), accused me of hiding something because someone whose number I don't have saved messaged me, accused me of cheating because the passenger seat had been moved in my car and I forgot my uncle had been in the car...

Some of it has improved (he's stepped back from the ultimatums over me drinking with male colleagues, for example, which is part of my job) but I feel like he has absolutely zero trust in me, even though I haven't so much as glanced at someone else.

He's broken up with me a few times and we've quickly got back together, but in that time he was asking a lot about whether I had slept with someone else (when it had been just a few days!!) and whether I saw us as exclusive while we talked through our issues (which I said I did).

All of a sudden last month he mentioned we should get STD checks because he still is suspicious of his ex gf. We've been together for nearly 1.5 years and we both did an STD check before we first slept together. I would usually see this as cast iron evidence of him cheating, but logistically it's not really possible he has been sleeping with someone else. I think he must have suggested this because he was suspicious that I had slept with someone else while we were very very briefly broken up? Even though he asked me and I said no. It had only been a few days so it didn't even occur to me to ask him.

He hasn't really been in relationships before and so he hasn't ever been cheated on. There wasn't infidelity in his parent's marriage. I did cheat on an ex but that was over a decade ago and I've learned a lot from it in the time that has passed.

This is never going to change is it?

To be fair, he actually hasn't had another relationship (one but it was very short). But yeah, I don't think his values can change and I think he's deeply resentful that in the past I've said I think he needs to change his thinking around jealousy, possessiveness, control etc. He doesn't see it as my place to tell him.

So his proposed solution to torturing his gf with accusations of cheating and trying to stop her socialising is to sleep and eat better to improve his 'anger" issues.

He doesn't have anger issues.

His problem isn't anger, it's his values.

It's the abuser script.

Yeah it's funny, I wouldn't even say he seems that angry. He's not shouting or slamming or whatever. Clearly he does feel angry but I wouldn't describe him as having anger management issues, more like an attitude problem

No fucking wonder if was very short.

I'm sure he has an explanation for why it was, but I'd treat that with a healthy dose of scepticism.

And how old is he?

One would probably have expected him to have had more.
Let's face it, if he showed any signs of the behaviour he's subjected you to to many women he was starting relationships with, they would run for the hills, he's text book batshit controlling jealous madman material.

I suspect he's not completely spitting the dummy out at the moment because he thinks you aren't serious. If you've already split up and got back together numerous times, the only difference is that this is at your instigation rather than his, and when he split with you before he always intended to get back together. So he presumably thinks you are doing the same. You're 'splitting' for the same reason he split with you - to teach him a lesson. All he thinks he has to do is to pay lip service to 'changing' (after all, why would HE change, in his head it's YOU that has the problem). All he has to do is keep in touch and you'll be back.

Break off all contact. Honestly. Otherwise he's going to drive you mad constantly touching base to see whether you've calmed down yet.

I've said I think he needs to change his thinking around jealousy, possessiveness, control etc. He doesn't see it as my place to tell him.

Not your place ..... His behaviour is insane and it's not your place to challenge it.

Says it all really.

This dude is beyond saving. He's like a fundamentalist; don't waste any more of your time and energy and emotion. You should be er ever have been subjected to one iota of what you've been subjected to since seeing him. His behaviour is sickening. Please just gtfo and have your counselling, and if you'd like to be in a relationship, try to meet someone else.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft Book?

Also Don Hennessy - How he gets in her head (or something to that effect) is decent.

They are both men who've worked with abusers and abuse victims for years, they do cover physical abuse but they cover all types of abuse. And their arguments apply to all types.

It's not really at my instigation, he broke up with me again, it's just that this time when he said we could get back together I said i didn't think it would work unless we'd resolved our issues. Which is true - I just don't think he's ever going to resolve his, and there's no point telling him that. I'm not sure how he'll react when he realises it's really the end for me. I suspect he'll just move on and find someone else.

All of this controlling paranoid lunacy in a relationship of barely a year???

FUCK THAT

Dump and run run run.

He won't get better until he gets some serious therapy.

It wasn't at your instigation but it's a good thing, it's an opportunity.

The wonderful thing is that this time, you're entirely correctly questioning the wisdom/sense in getting back together with him, and correctly coming to the conclusion that you should not.

Who knows what he'll do. It would actually be better for you (much as we are all prone to a bit of pride/hurt re people not being affected by "losing" us) if he does not keep trying to negotiate you back. If he moves on he will encounter these issues again and again (with anyone other than a religious fundamentalist surrendered wife type or a mail order bride (though even a mail order bride might just dump him when they've got what they need out of the relationship)).

I have been guilty of a little FB stalk of my ex, he seems to have been mostly single in the many years since; people don't put up with that shit. And the older they are, the more tuned into it and intolerant they are.

I doubt your ex will get a lasting, functioning relationship with anyone other than the scenarios I've touched on above.

Or a very very insecure, desperate, no boundaries, unassertive, gas light-able, brain washable woman .... Even then I doubt it would last.

Who knows - my ExH is with someone else and he was far more controlling. Though with him it mostly seemed more benevolent - like trying to change what I eat so it is healthier, read more literature, dress more according to to his preferences - but as the years went on it got darker. Plus, ExH was a much more effective gaslighter and very fond of constant criticism and put downs disguised as jokes. This guy didn't really do any of those bits.

Would you not be happier single?

@whendidisaythat Out of interest, do you think your ex is controlling with his new wife, too?
I always wonder this because my kids live with them loads so I hope the marriage is settled if that makes any sense?
She's almost 20 years younger and doesn't work so I think in a way she's a bit of an "easy target" for him?

Your ex sounds like a much "cleverer", more insidious abuser.

As you said, it took years for it to become obvious and become "dark" so his current partner is in that process.

It often takes a long time for these things to run their course.
People don't recognise abuse, they are invested, they are vulnerable, they might become dependant or not want to leave if children are involved, they may have any number of issues themselves. Some people never leave abusers.

And what is shown to the world is not what is happening in real life.

Anyway, I'm trying to imagine how someone could be more controlling than Mr Thong Inspector, with his repeated attempts to stop you from socialising etc. It's a frightening thought.

Oh, by the time ExH had worked his magic, I had no friends or family really. I was completely isolated from everyone. For years he had whittled me down to almost nothing. He doesn't live with his new partner yet so I expect it will get worse if she moves in with him - hopefully not though.

It sounds like you needed ongoing counselling after that relationship.

If you were speaking to a good counsellor, I doubt you'd have stayed past one or two incidents of this exes crazy accusations, suspicions and attempts at controlling you, stopping you socialising etc.

@Ladolcevita233 My ex didn't let me buy food, see my mum, made me sleep on the floor and locked me out if I was home past 10pm.
When I left him he took me to court and was awarded majority custody of our sons.
I'm not surprised.
His words to me were: "You dare leave me and you'll lose everything, bitch."
He's remarried now.
I hope she is OK. She's young and he's cut her off from everything. As long as she's OK with that I suppose.

I'm so sorry.

Have you regained equal custody of your sons?

That was a miscarriage of justice and a disgrace. Did you not have WA or anyone on your side?

Rights of Women could possibly help you if you haven't.

He's saying he wants to get back together if we both work on ourselves over a long period (say 9 months to a year) and both still want that.

Both work on yourselves lol

But the only working on yourself that you need to do would result in you never giving him the time of day again.

This is a lot of head space for a man who doesnt live as a fully functioning adult. He sounds absolutely awful. Be grateful he has gone and block him.

@Ladolcevita233Thank you x
It's too late - they're 14 and 16 now and this was when they were 3 and 6. He brainwashed them beyond repair. The things he has told them almost killed me. Literally. I wrote goodbye letters but never sent them; he wouldn't have passed them on anyway.
Ex took me to court time and time again; the worst one was the Final Hearing when my baby (with second husband) was just five days old. I was not given consent to postpone.
Not one "professional" helped me; they were entirely blindsided by his charm and manipulation.
I'm finally remarried and my husband is my rock. As you can imagine I still struggle to trust but time is helping.
At 43 I literally pinch myself every day that I can make my own choices in life now!

@whendidisaythat sorry if i've missed that but how old is he?

it may well be that the reason he never had a long relationship before is that he has never met someone who was willing to put up with his batshit crazy behaviour. Not only he sounds controlling, he sounds like a bloody idiot! His arguments don't hold up on logical basis (working on anger issues while anger is not even a problem...and doing so by healthy eating?!). No wonder he's forever single

He's 33. There's a specific reason he has been single for a long time which I do understand. But he also doesn't have much in the way of friends and his relationships with colleagues are also shallow, despite having worked in the same place for 3 years.

And there are very clear reasons for all of that too. stop wasting your time.

And we've gone no contact! He was hurt that I was angry and cold at the end.

are you saying he has blocked you?