Constant cheating accusations - why is he so paranoid?

[whendidisaythat]

My partner is driving me crazy. We've been together not much over a year and he seems to have major trust issues. Early on in our relationship I noticed he had a tendency to over-analyse things I said to question if I believe in monogamy (which I do) or if I had feelings for other people.

These accusations started to build over the last few months and they've got quite intense. He flat out accused me of cheating about six months ago because (after I got a coil fitted) I had discharge and had worn a thong to work that day. Since then, there have been lots of random accusations. He gets very anxious when I go out for drinks with male colleagues and there is one particular male colleague (who years back I had a crush on) that he is especially suspicious over (who I wouldn't go for a drink with one on one, because it would be disrespectful to my partner). He has demanded before that I stop going for drinks with male colleagues, that I stop speaking to this other male colleague at all, accused me of cheating because the same man appeared twice in pictures from a day out with my family (coincidental), accused me of secretly being in contact with my ex because he saw their first name on my phone (it was a song by a singer with the same, very common, first name!), accused me of hiding something because someone whose number I don't have saved messaged me, accused me of cheating because the passenger seat had been moved in my car and I forgot my uncle had been in the car...

Some of it has improved (he's stepped back from the ultimatums over me drinking with male colleagues, for example, which is part of my job) but I feel like he has absolutely zero trust in me, even though I haven't so much as glanced at someone else.

He's broken up with me a few times and we've quickly got back together, but in that time he was asking a lot about whether I had slept with someone else (when it had been just a few days!!) and whether I saw us as exclusive while we talked through our issues (which I said I did).

All of a sudden last month he mentioned we should get STD checks because he still is suspicious of his ex gf. We've been together for nearly 1.5 years and we both did an STD check before we first slept together. I would usually see this as cast iron evidence of him cheating, but logistically it's not really possible he has been sleeping with someone else. I think he must have suggested this because he was suspicious that I had slept with someone else while we were very very briefly broken up? Even though he asked me and I said no. It had only been a few days so it didn't even occur to me to ask him.

He hasn't really been in relationships before and so he hasn't ever been cheated on. There wasn't infidelity in his parent's marriage. I did cheat on an ex but that was over a decade ago and I've learned a lot from it in the time that has passed.

This is never going to change is it?

Yes, we agreed to go full NC and he blocked me.

Constantly breaking up with you. (He's obviously going back to someone else) Bouncing from person to person.. Telling you you've cheated is to make you feel guilty.. Just because he don't shout and scream doesn't mean he's not being abusive.. he is emotionally abusing you by accusing you of things and controlling you, making you take tests..

He's getting off on hearing you defend yourself as well when he knows your innocent and it's all very draining for you. This is a toxic relationship.

If you stay with him he will either give you an STD or get bored of this behaviour and probably up the ante to aggressive behaviour.

Tbf, there is noone to go "back" to and most of the times we would get back together pretty well immediately so I don't think he was with anyone else. But it's become a toxic, shitty situation and I should have ended it for good a while ago. I think I need to work on self-esteem and emotional maturity

whendidisaythat · Today 22:35

TwylaSands · Today 22:17

are you saying he has blocked you?
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Yes, we agreed to go full NC and he blocked me.

He's addicted to upsetting you. You don't realise how much he's doing you a favour.
I bet you he will unblock you again in a few days or weeks time to mess with you some more.

Don't allow him to have any more access to you.

He's got someone else! You just don't have the proof.

Don't give him too much credit. He's definitely not breaking up with you to be on his own..

Yeah. They treat people like crap but somehow they're always hurt and angry at our actions..

He must be laughing to himself at all the nonsense he's putting you through.

You will likely be feeling confused so go on you tube and Google 'narcissism' and you will have all the answers you need.

Yes maybe he will unblock me - who knows. He did last time, but this time it feels very final, in any event I won't be checking

Having read all the OP's posts I don't think him having someone else is the issue at all, and I don't think it helps to confidently insist on something that you don't know is the case in this way. The OP's relationship had plenty of real problems, there is no need to insist it had problems it didn't have. It's just alienating to people who post when you do that, and less likely that they will engage with advice.

Yeah, I agree. A shame. He sounds utterly awful and so abusive. I’m worried the OP can’t see that and that she has already shrunk her life to suit him.

On the money.

He's 33. There's a specific reason he has been single for a long time which I do understand

That wouldn’t be military service would it?

I agree.

I've had a relationship with a similar guy and he did the dumping thing too.

They can't regulate their emotions and they throw the head if you won't give into their controlling demands. When they do the ending, it's usually because they are convinced you have cheated, are about to cheat or will soon cheat etc. ... Can't handle it and think they'll be insulated from it and have more control if they end the relationship.

I was always dumped when about to embark on a night out or weekend away or similar .... Or had just had a night out or weekend away, and it was obvious frm the words used that he was highly anxious and angry and was losing the plot over his lack of control.
I'd say op has been dumped at pertinent times like this too.

It's a sign of the throes that someone so intensely insecure & controlling goes through when their partner has, in their mind, opportunities to cheat. They genuinely think that by staying in the relationship they are a sitting duck/vulnerable victim and think the only way to wrest back control is to end things.

There is no doubt an element of trying to get the partner scared/upset of permanently losing the relationship, and to toe the line/amend their behaviour too. If they don't, they are accused of not caring and not being committed etc.

Obviously all this is not just down to insecurity though - as I've pointed out it's underpinned by values and entitlement and a quest for control/power in the relationship.

Instead of 'feeling' it is final why not take control and make it final and crack on with your life.

Trust me, I'm white hot furious at him and busy getting the ick, I won't be getting back together. Rumination is part of the process for me and doesn't mean I want to be together with him.

And no, not military service. I'd prefer people not try to guess as I'm trying to leave it vague on purpose.

All of this, 100%. Nail on head. I'm going for a drink with a former colleague? Time to dump the bitch! It's power games arising from massive insecurity. Not my fault he can't regulate his own emotions sufficiently to communicate concerns and take responsibility for his feelings of jealousy. All the reassurance in the world cannot make someone who is insecure in themselves feel secure in a relationship.

And omg yes. It's like you were in my relationship. He would dump me if I talked to the guy he was especially jealous of and then say things like "what a tragedy that you're choosing him over me" when I refused to agree to cut him off.

And it's like, no, I don't even care THAT much about this person, but being able to decide who I speak to about perfectly appropriate and platonic things is a hill I will die on 100 times over.

I also would offer to discuss compromise - what would make him feel less jealous about that person that I might be willing to do? But he wouldn't even discuss it. For him, it wasn't a problem we should be working through together, it was a failure on my part to act as he wanted me to, and that was unacceptable to him.

But you shouldn't be working on his jealousy and paranoia together. He needs to work on it.

Good thing you're ending it. Becuase it would just escalate - before you know it, you'd need to be actively punished for talking to a man. Perhaps with physical threats or violence. Perhaps with silent treatment. Perhaps with insistence that you do all the chores. Perhaps with sex.

@whendidisaythat you're absolutely right, it's not about speaking to a specific person - it's about a right to speak to people in general, otherwise he will always find a reason to not let you speak to someone.

in a sense you may also do him a massive favour - it may end up being a wake up call that he is really the problem. He seems to believe that he is some sort of prize worth fighting for so you should be working hard on winning him back, he needs to learn that this is not the case. Not to mend the relationship with you (that should be dead and buried) but for his own sake in the future.

Who knows. I think he's at a bit of a crossroads and it could go either way for him. Right now I'm to blame in his eyes; if I ever get an apology from him one day then hopefully he found himself on the right track. It would be a surprise to me based on how he has convinced himself he's worked on his issues when he seems barely to have scratched the surface. Either you know there's something wrong with your behaviour or you are doomed to continue it.

It might depend on what type of person he next dates too - I had been through this situation once before plus I have an active social life so I fought much harder than I would have done when I was younger. If he decides to date someone in their mid 20s he might have more luck controlling their behaviour, at least in the medium term. I think somewhere within him he knows it wasn't right, but he's buried it pretty deep.

A simple tip for the future to make your dating life smoother. Avoid men who express that they have undergone forms of abuse in their childhood. I've met a few over time and they have all had issues that remain and would make any relationships miserable and dysfunctional. I won't even go there now, see it as a major red flag, its not your job to fix.

As someone who also did, I think that's maybe taking it a bit far. I've worked hard to overcome the problems my childhood gifted to me, and I see that as a lifelong project. I think for me the red flag would be lack of evidence they have done work to correct the issues. In fact, my ExH described his childhood as perfect. In my experience, someone with a perfect childhood doesn't recognise that they have any issues at all, and that was worse, because every time we argued it was because of me and my issues; couldn't be him because he was perfect!

They are a type.

And their behavioural patterns are the same.

Like any disorder/mental illness/pathology, I suppose.

My ex like this was also extremely immature in other ways as well.

He didn't "play well with others" either ... He seemed both uninvested in/unmotivated by friendships, and shit at them. (He had just one relative/friend who was equally a dickhead).

With help on here I realised he was developmentally (mentally/emotionally) kind of stunted and undeveloped.

He also had the values from a very very conservative, parochial, traditional, sexist background.

On part of it was that socialising separately from your partner and family was seen as inappropriate/unwise/selfish/disrespectful. He certainly subscribed to that. To him it was tantamount to a declaration that you were looking for another partner, were not committed etc.
It was impossible to deal in any reasonable way with that mentality. And everytime he said he understood and it was ok and he would 'try" .. after a while there's be another blow up about it.b

Though I noticed he cherry picked what suited him from it (!)

I thought he might meet someone like him, with whom it work, but from a little bit of FB stalking hasn't seemed to .. unless he has recently.

People like them can't get away with this shit as easily now. There's more and more awareness. Coercive control is a crime, in the UK anyway etc. Of course it won't stop them from trying. Because they truly don't see themselves as unreasonable or wrong.

Yes, totally! Struggles with friendships and seems to see people in quite a black and white way. Struggled with disagreements even over minor things and would berate me for always wanting to be "right" while doing the exact same thing. Tiring in hindsight. A bit like having to live with a moody teenager.

I don't think age necessarily makes someone more open to being controlled. It depends on the person. If your DC live there half the time, surely they would have noticed or mentioned anything insidious, and wouldn't want to live there. Younger women nowadays don't tend to put up with shit like the older generations seemed to.