Constant cheating accusations - why is he so paranoid?

[whendidisaythat]

My partner is driving me crazy. We've been together not much over a year and he seems to have major trust issues. Early on in our relationship I noticed he had a tendency to over-analyse things I said to question if I believe in monogamy (which I do) or if I had feelings for other people.

These accusations started to build over the last few months and they've got quite intense. He flat out accused me of cheating about six months ago because (after I got a coil fitted) I had discharge and had worn a thong to work that day. Since then, there have been lots of random accusations. He gets very anxious when I go out for drinks with male colleagues and there is one particular male colleague (who years back I had a crush on) that he is especially suspicious over (who I wouldn't go for a drink with one on one, because it would be disrespectful to my partner). He has demanded before that I stop going for drinks with male colleagues, that I stop speaking to this other male colleague at all, accused me of cheating because the same man appeared twice in pictures from a day out with my family (coincidental), accused me of secretly being in contact with my ex because he saw their first name on my phone (it was a song by a singer with the same, very common, first name!), accused me of hiding something because someone whose number I don't have saved messaged me, accused me of cheating because the passenger seat had been moved in my car and I forgot my uncle had been in the car...

Some of it has improved (he's stepped back from the ultimatums over me drinking with male colleagues, for example, which is part of my job) but I feel like he has absolutely zero trust in me, even though I haven't so much as glanced at someone else.

He's broken up with me a few times and we've quickly got back together, but in that time he was asking a lot about whether I had slept with someone else (when it had been just a few days!!) and whether I saw us as exclusive while we talked through our issues (which I said I did).

All of a sudden last month he mentioned we should get STD checks because he still is suspicious of his ex gf. We've been together for nearly 1.5 years and we both did an STD check before we first slept together. I would usually see this as cast iron evidence of him cheating, but logistically it's not really possible he has been sleeping with someone else. I think he must have suggested this because he was suspicious that I had slept with someone else while we were very very briefly broken up? Even though he asked me and I said no. It had only been a few days so it didn't even occur to me to ask him.

He hasn't really been in relationships before and so he hasn't ever been cheated on. There wasn't infidelity in his parent's marriage. I did cheat on an ex but that was over a decade ago and I've learned a lot from it in the time that has passed.

This is never going to change is it?

Maybe not age alone, but age gap relationships often have an inherent power imbalance. One of you is more experienced due to age and I think that someone who is the younger partner in an age gap relationship would have to be very confident not to end up in a weaker position. That's a massive generalisation of course. But you also often see that men in particular who date partners much younger than them do so because they are looking for someone who is less likely to stand up to them.

Of the few women I know in age gap relationships, myself included, we can all more than hold our own. What I have noticed amongst women who prefer older men is that that tend to like old fashioned ways of doing things, and are usually very mature for their years. I've felt like a grumpy old woman since I was 18, so immature boys my own age never cut the mustard. My husband is 15 years older, I was in my 20s when we got married. Is there an age gap with your partner?

Back to your original post though, it sounds very toxic. He either has underlying issues you don't know about that have affected his trust (trauma?) in which case he needs to be honest and seek therapy so you can make an informed decision and decide if you want to be a part of that, or he is just extremely controlling in his behaviour. This type of behaviour often escalates so I'd be wary, but his behaviour currently would be enough for me to say LTB. I also think it is very fishy asking for an STD test because he thinks his ex might have had something... even though you got tested at the start of your relationship. That sounds like he has played away to me.

We've already broken up.

As I said, it's a generalisation, but if PP's husband was incredibly controlling and is now with a woman 20 years younger I bet he didn't choose her because she can hold her own.

Of the few women I know in age gap relationships, myself included, we can all more than hold our own

Unfortunately there are many women who can't. Their relative youth and inexperience makes them vulnerable.

I'm sure many many posters on here would say that they would now not put up with a huge amount of what they may have put up with in relationships when they were younger and greener.

When you have experienced typical behaviours, you then recognise them. You also know from experience the behaviours won't change and that the justifications for them are fallacies; it's very hard for many people to learn that without learning it from life experience.

In the relationship I was in that has some parallels with op (he is ten years older) I had never before been involved with a possessive, hyper jealous, controlling type, with "conservative" values .....and I made many mistakes during the relationship; of trying to reassure him, of trying to justify myself, of tolerating the behaviour, of trying to reason with him, of not telling my family how he was acting, of even beginning to behave back to him how he was behaving to me to try to make him.see how it felt and how unreasonable it was.

I would not, now, having had that relationship and life experience, ever waste my time doing those things or continuing to see that person. As other posters on this thread have said - been there, done that, got the t-shirt ...I know trying to save the relationship is futile, and that it's not really worth saving. I know his type and I know to gtfo. That life experience gives you a diametrically different attitude as you age.

(You can know things are wrong theoretically, but knowing they're wrong and taking a zero tolerance stand in real life in a relationship with someone you're intimate with and with whom youve probably had an apparently good relationship you were investing in, is something else entirely).

100%

Are any of you in relationships with abusers though??

It's one thing 'holding your own' if you have an older partner who isn't an abuser and another thing entirely if the man is inherently abusive and controlling.

Yes, the entire point of abuse is to make you unable to hold your own, to give you no option but to stay and absorb more abuse.

@Ladolcevita233 My first serious relationship was abusive toward the end. Verbally, financially and on one occasion physically. We were together from 17 to 24. No signs early on. We bought a house together at 22, spent a year renovating it whilst still living between our parents houses. I started to realise how horrific he was with money at this point (first time we were paying toward something together) but I didn't realise how bad he was until we actually lived together. When we finally moved in, the relationship broke down within months and we sold the house, because I couldn't stand living with him a second longer.
So my point is it depends on the nature of the woman involved, not necessarily their age. I tolerated BS off my childhood sweetheart for a couple of months before fucking him off. Very much a nip shit in the bud type of person. At 25 I met my now DH, who is much older and there is no power imbalance at all as he knows I am a strong woman.
So I don't think we can assume young women will put up with crap anymore so than any other woman. Upbringing, self esteem etc all play much bigger roles in a persons likelihood to attract an abuser and their tolerance to abuse.

We can definitely make assumptions on what is more likely or not. Just because you left almost as soon as it began doesn't mean that we can't make assumptions. Saying younger women are more likely to be abused doesn't mean that we think that ALL younger women with an abusive partner are likely to stay. The assumptions are based on statistics and studies, people don't pluck them out of the sky.

Also just to touch on your last sentence, some abusers go for the confident feisty women with high self esteem because they like the challenge.

@kkloo 'Also just to touch on your last sentence, some abusers go for the confident feisty women with high self esteem because they like the challenge.'

Can't imagine they get very far with that.

Could you cite any of these studies, because I've been looking it up and really struggling to find research that suggests domestic abuse is anymore prevalent amongst age gap relationships.

They do! Such an ignorant comment.

You know a lot less than you think you do clearly.
You just keep missing the point entirely and say young women can't be more vulnerable because you did x and y.
Now it's that abusive men won't get far trying to abuse a confident woman 🙄

Maybe you should educate yourself on the subject?

I'm not missing the point. And I just said to you, that I have been looking up studies this afternoon and have not been able to find any that support young women are more likely to be abused in age gap relationships, in fact its the contrary.

^^ This… that’s all there is

Abusers absolutely get far with abusing confident women. One of the biggest domestic abuse myths is that it doesn't happen to confident women. The opposite is true.

I know you don’t want people to guess but it’s either military, prison, inpatient at mental health facility or he’s been in space.

It just feels like you're trying to bait me to say, which I won't be.

So my point is it depends on the nature of the woman involved, not necessarily their age.

17 and 24 is a moderate age gap, but the ages are both "young", under 25 ... And therefore I don't think many people would see it as having the power imbalance that more typical age gap relationships have (20 something woman with 40 something man etc).

OP specifically said she was uncomf able with people guessing and asked people to stop. Why have you acknowledged that but then followed up with a list of guesses? What an odd thing to do.

17 to 24 was the length of the relationship not the age difference. We were the same age. I'm now married to a man 15 years older.