@whendidisaythat I’ve read all your posts and honestly think you should read back what you wrote! Imagine it was a close friend who wrote that. What would you say to them?
It seems to me that there are 2 things going on, firstly that you have been accepting this behaviour which means for some probably deep-rooted reason you don’t think you deserve better, and secondly that you’re trying to find reasons why he does what he does or a way to excuse his behaviour. It doesn’t matter why, he is an abuser and it’s his responsibility as an adult to look into his own behaviour, but of course, like all abusers, it’s everyone else’s fault!
So I’ve gone through your posts and picked out some of the things you’ve said and added some comments (hence the very long post!). Where I’m coming from is that I’ve recently realised I’ve been emotionally abused by an extremely narcissistic “mother” all my life. I’ve done therapy, I’ve read books, listened to podcasts and studied narcissism, including a diploma. One thing I’ve learned is that growing up in a dysfunctional household primes a person for abusive relationships because they have never been allowed to put their own needs first. So if their bar is set very low, they are a prime target for an abusive person as they don’t see the red flags – someone who has grown up in a “normal” respectful family will walk away.
My partner is driving me crazy. We've been together not much over a year and he seems to have major trust issues. …
These accusations started to build over the last few months and they've got quite intense.
Your partner should never drive you crazy; disagreements are normal but not being driven crazy.
It is common in dysfunctional relationships for things to start off ok (I wonder if he love-bombed you?) then deteriorate in the following months.
He has demanded before that I stop going for drinks with male colleagues
Absolutely controlling behaviour.
I’ve had a few abusive relationships before. I thought I’d broken the cycle and he seems so lovely, just insecure, but maybe I’m being naïve.
As I wrote above, you probably have been brought up to set your bar low.
He had a rough childhood
Maybe. So did many other people. We didn’t all end up being abusers.
I’m not sure I’d describe him as controlling necessarily. Interestingly, he accused ME of having too much control in one of our break ups.
After a huge number of posts in your thread, do you see the controlling behaviour now? The fact that he isn’t as controlling as your exH doesn’t mean he’s not controlling.
If you want to read a bit more about the accusations he has made to you, read up on projection.
He's very warm and affectionate. Just got a lot of issues.
Warm and affectionate when it suits him. Happy to put his issues on to you rather than dealing with them.
Every time he’s set a controlling ultimatum he’s eventually backed off when I say no.
I commented on this earlier in the thread; a good guy wouldn’t try to control you in the first place. A good relationship is you working together, not one trying to control the other while the other person tries not to be controlled. No wonder he’s making you crazy.
I think I’m in love with the person who he can be when he is trying to impress me (like in the early days).
Sorry to say the person in the early days was a mirage, he doesn’t exist. He is now showing you the real him. Your comment about the early days again makes me wonder did he love-bomb you – which is a classic red flag.
He is saying that I don't make him feel loved enough and we're stuck in a parent child dynamic which is why he keeps ending things.
In a way he’s not wrong, he’s acting like a child. But you’re not his parent. It’s not for you to make him feel loved enough. If someone is adult enough to be in a relationship they do not need the other person to make them feel loved enough; if they’re unhappy then they should leave. The solution is not to make the other person change. This doesn’t mean a couple shouldn’t show each other mutual love and respect, they absolutely should; in a fulfilling relationship both sides should feel loved and respected.
Do abusive men generally tell you that you're selfish and not focused enough on their needs?
Not just abusive men! Abusive mothers too ;) Read up on blame shifting to understand this better.
I'm still concerned I might be selfish and uncompromising like he says though. How would I know??
This guy has you so gaslit that you are trying to overlook his appalling behaviour to try and blame yourself. It is not you! Where has he taken responsibility himself? You know, deep down, it isn’t you. He is not trying to build you up, he just wants to tear you down. This is not the behaviour of someone who cares about you.
If I present him with examples of why I feel like we do things that are for his benefit / at his preference then he says I'm invalidating him or being too defensive.
Classic abuser stuff. He’s had a bit of therapy himself and he’s using the words he’s learned against you. He’s actually invalidating you while saying you’re invalidating him. Projection again. Also read up on DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender).
But then he is still saying now I don't do enough.
And it will never be enough, because he will always shift the goal posts. You can see that, you tried but he will never be satisfied.
I am intending to tell him I don't want to get back together - I'm just trying to figure out if there's merit to what he says that I should be taking on board as feedback for the future, or whether it's not worth even considering.
No there isn’t! He has not tried to be a good partner, he has only thought of himself. You need to get EVERYTHING he said to you out of your head, it has not come from a good place, he only cares about his own needs and to do that he is trying to ruin your mental health. Why would you take on board anything said by someone like that? I know it’s hard, but really, he needs to be out of your life and I'm so glad you're "intending" to tell him you don't want to get back together. I'd like to see more certainty in what you're saying though, "intending to tell him I don't want" sounds like you may not carry through, and if you do the fact that you "don't want" suggests there's a possibility you may allow him to persuade you to get back together.
Does borderline personality disorder seem a possibility to anyone else? The paranoia, frequent break ups, seeing me as someone he just can't be with when I do anything that upsets him, big childhood trauma, difficulty making friends, assuming everyone is out to get him, really poor self image / mental health...
It doesn’t matter. His behaviour is abusive. That’s all you need to know. Walk away. He’s an adult. It’s up to him to fix himself. Don’t allow yourself to undertake that job (it’s quite common in those of us who were brought up in abusive situations that we think need to fix others). Live your life. Find out why you aren’t insisting on being treated with the respect you deserve. But get rid of this guy.
I have loads of resources for people who have been in dysfunctional relationships, this Instagram page is pretty useful as it’s got lots of short phrases that it can be easy to identify with -
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc