Constant cheating accusations - why is he so paranoid?

[whendidisaythat]

My partner is driving me crazy. We've been together not much over a year and he seems to have major trust issues. Early on in our relationship I noticed he had a tendency to over-analyse things I said to question if I believe in monogamy (which I do) or if I had feelings for other people.

These accusations started to build over the last few months and they've got quite intense. He flat out accused me of cheating about six months ago because (after I got a coil fitted) I had discharge and had worn a thong to work that day. Since then, there have been lots of random accusations. He gets very anxious when I go out for drinks with male colleagues and there is one particular male colleague (who years back I had a crush on) that he is especially suspicious over (who I wouldn't go for a drink with one on one, because it would be disrespectful to my partner). He has demanded before that I stop going for drinks with male colleagues, that I stop speaking to this other male colleague at all, accused me of cheating because the same man appeared twice in pictures from a day out with my family (coincidental), accused me of secretly being in contact with my ex because he saw their first name on my phone (it was a song by a singer with the same, very common, first name!), accused me of hiding something because someone whose number I don't have saved messaged me, accused me of cheating because the passenger seat had been moved in my car and I forgot my uncle had been in the car...

Some of it has improved (he's stepped back from the ultimatums over me drinking with male colleagues, for example, which is part of my job) but I feel like he has absolutely zero trust in me, even though I haven't so much as glanced at someone else.

He's broken up with me a few times and we've quickly got back together, but in that time he was asking a lot about whether I had slept with someone else (when it had been just a few days!!) and whether I saw us as exclusive while we talked through our issues (which I said I did).

All of a sudden last month he mentioned we should get STD checks because he still is suspicious of his ex gf. We've been together for nearly 1.5 years and we both did an STD check before we first slept together. I would usually see this as cast iron evidence of him cheating, but logistically it's not really possible he has been sleeping with someone else. I think he must have suggested this because he was suspicious that I had slept with someone else while we were very very briefly broken up? Even though he asked me and I said no. It had only been a few days so it didn't even occur to me to ask him.

He hasn't really been in relationships before and so he hasn't ever been cheated on. There wasn't infidelity in his parent's marriage. I did cheat on an ex but that was over a decade ago and I've learned a lot from it in the time that has passed.

This is never going to change is it?

Be selfish! Think about what YOU want to do. Who cares if he thinks you're selfish? That's just another lie to make you doubt yourself.

Ask a friend or family member you trust if you're selfish.

You honestly don’t seem to be any of the things he’s saying. His constant going on at you is starting to affect your mindset and how you view yourself and this will continue to chip away at you over time.

He has major insecurities which he is projecting onto you and some of what you’re dealing with from him is incredibly disrespectful ie the cheating accusations and less than subtle suggestions on repeat STD testing, and I hope you have made that clear to him. He sounds hugely lacking in self awareness in being unwilling or unable to see that his issues stem from within himself and are related to his own past.

I’d say if you’re only a year in and technically still the ‘honeymoon’ period, it will only get worse. Yes relationships take work but it shouldn’t be this difficult. You’re on a break, my response would be ‘I wish to discuss how we make this break permanent’ and wave goodbye. You can’t fix him if he’s not willing to work on himself and you deserve much better.

Abusers like him thrive on someone who questions themself and thinks the nonsense they're spewing has validity ..... Don't be that someone.

No offence but the fact you have, to date, been someone who takes their opinions and accusations as valid .... Is why you've had several abusive relationships and are in another one.

You need a big hefty dose of "aye riiiight" in your thinking.

You need to think carefully about what you'd say to another women being treated how you are and being told she is a, b and c like you are ..... By an unstable, pathologically jealous, paranoid header who's checking her fkg underwear and questioning her car seat being back for a relative, trying to control her socialising, and all the other peak mentalist shit that he's done.

He's not right in the head and he's extremely unlikely to ever be.

You need to get away from him.

I expect partners to trust me. I expect partners to be ok with my going for drinks with male colleagues. I expect partners , if they regularly instigate breaks, to ask zero fucking questions about whether I saw anyone on that break. That last one is a hypothetical because a partner who keeps instigating breaks gets to go on a permanent break from me. In your ‘partners’ eyes, that makes me selfish and controlling. Very very very happy to be that kind of selfish and controlling aka someone with healthy boundaries and self esteem. Make this break permanent op.

Having reread your op; you know you should have gotten rid of him long ago, don't you?

Let alone still be seeing him, with him dumping you when he feels like. You should have been the one doing the dumping and it should have been done months ago.

In the most well intentioned way - because I stayed in a relationship similar to this for a while too - can you get some counselling? So that you can have boundaries and perspective and get rid of people like this, instead of continuing to see them and possibly get invested etc.
You are never going to have a good relationship and father for any kids, if you don't break this pattern.

What he thinks makes me selfish / controlling is that, according to him, things in the relationship are always done my way / for my benefit and I don't make him feel loved enough. I actually don't agree. If I present him with examples of why I feel like we do things that are for his benefit / at his preference then he says I'm invalidating him or being too defensive. When he said he didn't feel loved enough, I asked what I could do to make him feel more loved then followed up on that (planning dates, giving him a hug when I first see him for example). But then he is still saying now I don't do enough. It makes me feel rubbish and like I am just not a very good partner. But maybe he is actually unable to feel sufficiently loved because he has no love for himself, and he's expecting me to fill a gap that only healthy self-esteem could fill...

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Get rid of him

Longer answer: Get rid, then block, then do the Freedom Programme

Fuck sake, just stop. The man is a total fucking abusive lunatic. Leave him. You’ll never make him happy, he enjoys watching you dance.

I am intending to tell him I don't want to get back together - I'm just trying to figure out if there's merit to what he says that I should be taking on board as feedback for the future, or whether it's not worth even considering.

Not worth considering

This!! OP with respect you could give him the moon on a gold platter delivered by a rainbow unicorn and he’d still say you weren’t trying hard enough and make himself the victim.

Just stop with the ifs and buts, google DARVO and get yourself on the freedom programme.

And please stay single until you can have healthy boundaries rather than continue in this abusive cycle.

I'm just trying to figure out if there's merit to what he says that I should be taking on board as feedback for the future

No.

You've been far far far too "tolerant".

His behaviour is totally unreasonable.

In fact it is insane.

This!! OP with respect you could give him the moon on a gold platter delivered by a rainbow unicorn

He'd probably accuse her of fucking the unicorn.

This absolutely is gaslighting and narcissism. Definitely time to let him go!

No no no no no. While you’re googling DARVO and the freedom programme also look up gaslighting because that’s what he’s done. Hes twisted your reality so you doubt yourself.

Please please OP don’t even think about another relationship until you’ve worked on yourself to understand why you tolerate this shit

The only thing you need to take on board for future is that you did nothing wrong, you deserve much better and to look out for those red flags and deal at a much earlier stage. Best of luck

Absolutely this.
Do not get back together with him.
Do not take any notice of his insecurities.

Take some time out to review your wants, needs and expectations. Get to know and appreciate yourself.

If only this dude could put all the effort he puts into gas lighting, twisting, darvo'ing, and and manipulation into figuring out why he's got an Othello complex and is batshittily paranoid and jealous and controlling. (And from your example it sounds like he's not even just controlling re your interaction with the opposite sex, but around domestic things too, if you went along with it).

Unfortunately that would take personality traits that he does not possess.

Remember - my issues - however unreasonable - are other people's fault and responsibility. It's them who needs to be different, it's them who need to become puppets in my world.

I'd say he has a significant personality disorder.

Men like this often seem to have a mentality/personality that is perpetually frozen in toddler-like egotism, irrationality and centre of the world-edness. It's like their necessary mental and emotional development has never happened.

Does borderline personality disorder seem a possibility to anyone else? The paranoia, frequent break ups, seeing me as someone he just can't be with when I do anything that upsets him, big childhood trauma, difficulty making friends, assuming everyone is out to get him, really poor self image / mental health...

No way. Young and smart, beautiful, say Bye to this one and find a nice normal guy

I think you’re doing the right thing by telling him you’re not getting back together. I would just say that there’s been too many issues and you can’t keep up with the constant accusations of cheating. He is continuously making you feel guilty and is gaslighting you.
Just explain that you think both of you will be happier apart and don’t let him try change your mind.

Maybe, but so what? It doesn't change the fact that he's abusive and will ruin your mental health if you don't end it. Be prepared for him not to accept it when you do and to harass and harangue you into getting back together. He will guilt trip you and you'll have to find your strength and block him at some point. Do NOT stay 'friends'.

@whendidisaythat
Please don't go down the road of looking for a reason he's like this, he's a nasty person and you deserve better.
Honestly the volume of women posting about vile abusive men and trying to scrap a diagnosis together rather than just leave him is awful.

This is giving me vibes of my ExDH and he turned out to be a covert narcissist. Living with him was like being in the twilight zone sometimes, he made me feel like I was losing my mind.

Please stop trying to analyse him and find excuses for his appalling behaviour.

Does it matter if he’s got BOD, narcissism, depression, Monster Raving Loony disease - he’s a controlling manipulative gaslighting dickhead who will continue to wear you down unless you walk away.

All that matters is he treats you appallingly - the reason is irrelevant