Constant cheating accusations - why is he so paranoid?

[whendidisaythat]

My partner is driving me crazy. We've been together not much over a year and he seems to have major trust issues. Early on in our relationship I noticed he had a tendency to over-analyse things I said to question if I believe in monogamy (which I do) or if I had feelings for other people.

These accusations started to build over the last few months and they've got quite intense. He flat out accused me of cheating about six months ago because (after I got a coil fitted) I had discharge and had worn a thong to work that day. Since then, there have been lots of random accusations. He gets very anxious when I go out for drinks with male colleagues and there is one particular male colleague (who years back I had a crush on) that he is especially suspicious over (who I wouldn't go for a drink with one on one, because it would be disrespectful to my partner). He has demanded before that I stop going for drinks with male colleagues, that I stop speaking to this other male colleague at all, accused me of cheating because the same man appeared twice in pictures from a day out with my family (coincidental), accused me of secretly being in contact with my ex because he saw their first name on my phone (it was a song by a singer with the same, very common, first name!), accused me of hiding something because someone whose number I don't have saved messaged me, accused me of cheating because the passenger seat had been moved in my car and I forgot my uncle had been in the car...

Some of it has improved (he's stepped back from the ultimatums over me drinking with male colleagues, for example, which is part of my job) but I feel like he has absolutely zero trust in me, even though I haven't so much as glanced at someone else.

He's broken up with me a few times and we've quickly got back together, but in that time he was asking a lot about whether I had slept with someone else (when it had been just a few days!!) and whether I saw us as exclusive while we talked through our issues (which I said I did).

All of a sudden last month he mentioned we should get STD checks because he still is suspicious of his ex gf. We've been together for nearly 1.5 years and we both did an STD check before we first slept together. I would usually see this as cast iron evidence of him cheating, but logistically it's not really possible he has been sleeping with someone else. I think he must have suggested this because he was suspicious that I had slept with someone else while we were very very briefly broken up? Even though he asked me and I said no. It had only been a few days so it didn't even occur to me to ask him.

He hasn't really been in relationships before and so he hasn't ever been cheated on. There wasn't infidelity in his parent's marriage. I did cheat on an ex but that was over a decade ago and I've learned a lot from it in the time that has passed.

This is never going to change is it?

Yes moving the goalposts to disorientate you. Classic abuser behaviour.

if he’s had a rough childhood he may well be programmed to always see the worst case scenario, but he needs some therapy and coping strategies for this.

My DP had an abusive childhood and in his own words becomes “insecure and annoying” in relationships but he’s aware of it, he’ll joke about it and ask if I still like him every time I see him, but he won’t ever make me feel bad about it, he knows it’s his issue to deal with and all I can do is just be a constant and positive presence for him.

The fact that this guy is accusing you of cheating, splitting up, attempting to control you - even if he then gives in, all say he’s not ready for a relationship. Throw him back.

I left an abusive marriage two years ago. I’m now in a healthy relationship. We are long distance and single parents so we generally see each other alternate weekends and take turns to go to each other‘s houses. Our chats are more like ‘Hey I know you came here last weekend but there’s x on so are you okay to come here again?’. ‘Yes no problem’. The closest we’ve come to rowing was when he inadvertently upset me, I raised it as ‘I wanted to ask why you didn’t come with me when I was taking the dog out. That upset me, I thought you’d come with me, I didn’t like going alone by your house because I don’t know the area’.
Him: ‘I didn’t really think about it, I just thought I’d get on with dinner. I’ll come with you in future.’ Now he comes with me or always offers. Sometimes I say ‘Nah it’s okay crack on with dinner’ (now I know the area better I’m not as bothered).
I’ve been with my OH for just over a year and do you know how many ultimatums have been issued from either of us? None.
Sounds like your DP only backs off when you massively reinforce your boundaries. You shouldn’t have to be that firm. Boundaries are important but you shouldn’t have to be so assertive. It’s meant to be a partnership!
I’d second doing the Freedom Programme and maybe having some individual talking therapy.

Do you have children OP?

If so it's really important to model healthy relationships to them, or you being happy, healthy and single.

Yeah that's interesting. He wanted to set a strict rule about taking it in turns to make dinner or tea in the morning. I resisted on the basis that we could generally take turns but sometimes one of us might be busy with work or need to get up early, so flexibility was best as long as we were both making an effort to keep things in balance. Rather than bean counting who does what and taking it in turns regardless of the circumstances. He did ultimately agree but it was a struggle to get him there.

Does he watch a lot of porn op? Could he have pied- porn induced erectile dysfunction. It's quite common for them to become obsessed with cheating/cuckold porn then project that on their partner regardless of your actions.

It also doesn't mean he wouldn't of been able to physically cheat if he does have erectile dysfunction. As the addiction relies on novelty an illicit affair or sex worker would provide the stimulus for an erection.

Nothing to do with looks or body preference etc I'm sure you are wonderful op purely that to him you're a real person with feelings and that puts pressure on him to consider you(as he should) therefore sex can be difficult for him. Absolutely not your fault.

I've obviously read into your comment op so maybe none of that applies. But if it's possible it sounds familiar then love after porn on reddit will give you some more resources and support.
All the darvo manipulation tactics fit in with addiction too.

Even aside from that so many red flags op there are healthy men out there that would worship you not make life 100 times harder.

No, nothing to do with porn or ED when he is with me. I'd rather leave it vague but I'm fairly certain about this one and what it would mean for him in terms of physical cheating.

My ex did have a major porn addiction though.

Unlike other posters, I don' think he is necessarily cheating. It does sound like he has a low opinion of women (his suggestion that he should have more "control", his accusations aimed at you and your ex etc etc).

But he is 100% abusive and controlling. And no, it's not normal for someone to tell you constantly you're selfish.

I have a theory that a lot of people have the potential to be abusive. Not because people are intrinsically bad but just because we have our own issues and expectations etc, and then in a relationship you're comfortable being who you are. The difference between people who ARE abusive and those who simply have the potential to be abusive, is that when they are called out on their behaviour, the very first time they realise, "SHIT, that was totally out of line" and it stops happening. But the ones who carry on, who justify it, who convince themselves their partners "deserve it" or "are stupid" or whatever... those are truly abusive people and they will never change. Because to even go down that route in the first place shows a basic lack of consideration or interest in anyone else's needs or wants.

Ah fair enough then just worth a consideration but sounds like you'd know the signs from your Ex. Sorry you had to go through that (and this now)

You should split up. He obviously doesn't trust you, and there's no reasonable way of changing that because it's how he feels. You could issue him with ultimatums to get him to stop acting on his mistrust, but it wouldn't solve the problem, it would just make him push it under ground and it would blow eventually. The relationship is a fail, and you'd both be best cutting your losses and moving on. Maybe with a different partner he'd be less anxious. Certainly with a different partner who didn't keep accusing, restricting and interrogating you, you'd be a lot happier.

"In comparison, this guy doesn't seem controlling. Lol. Every time he's set a controlling ultimatum he's eventually backed off when I say no."

Um you do see how much you have contradicted yourself with those comments don't you OP???

THIS. 100%.

The first year of ANY relationship should be so happy! Loads of talking, sex, fun dates, can't wait to see each other, love spending time together, barely any arguments... If he's regularly accusing you of cheating this early on, it will only get worse. Leave.

Sounds exhausting. This is no way to live.

I'd end things and seek counselling/do the Freedom Programme.

You mention you've been in abusive relationships before. I think when this is the case it's common to have had your boundaries eroded and expectations lowered so you think someone who is 70% a wanker is a good bet just because you've been with someone who is 100% a wanker.

Totally this. Just being not quite as big an arsehole as your previous partner isn’t exactly a glowing endorsement as a character reference.

He is abusive and controlling just in a different way to what you’ve previously experienced but it doesn’t make him a ‘good guy’ he’s still a manipulative controlling abuser.

Take on board the unanimous comments on here OP - it’s so much easier for outsiders to see the obvious red flags than someone caught up in a cycle of abuse.

Yeah, we're currently on (yet another) break instigated by him and he has said he would like to discuss how we get back together. I don't think I want to even discuss it. I'm still concerned I might be selfish and uncompromising like he says though. How would I know??

@whendidisaythat Short answer? Don't. It's all on his terms.

Don’t discuss it and stay away from him. You’re not selfish or uncompromising he’s gaslighting you and it’s working because you’re doubting yourself

Who cares if you’re ‘selfish’? You should be selfish anyway. You’ve been through enough. And you’ve swapped one abuser for another.

This is a bad, manipulative, insecure, controlling fruit loop of a man.

You should run. His behaviour is off the scale cuntish.

Block this idiot and move on with your life. Why are you doing this to yourself? You're your own worst enemy, honestly.

If you were really that dreadful to be in a relationship with, do you really think he'd want to get back together with you?

In comparison, this guy doesn't seem controlling. Lol. Every time he's set a controlling ultimatum he's eventually backed off when I say no.

But if he wasn't controlling, he wouldn't be trying to set controlling ultimatums in the first place (!)

Also do you think the bench mark/bar of an extremely controlling, abusive man is a good bench mark to judge people by??

Wouldn't the bench mark of a reasonable, non controlling, well adjusted, secure person be the one to judge by?!

Just cause you haven't dated one - yet - doesn't mean they don't exist. I've dated several.

I'm still concerned I might be selfish and uncompromising like he says though. How would I know??

I would say imagine that your mate/sister/female relative is telling you the situation you're in, about her relationship; what would think and say to her?

That will give you a bit of perspective.

Incidentally it's not selfish to not do what other people want you to do, when want they want is unreasonable.

It's not uncompromising to not "compromise" towards something that is unreasonable.

Though it's obvious why your (hopefully) ex wants to portray it as that. He's a gas lighter & manipulator, as well as, frankly, mental.

I once had a foreign man who I made the mistake of being friendly towards tell me that I was "selfish" for not having sex with him ; because I didn't want to have sex with him lmao

even if you think you're being selfish then be selfish - people are entitled to their time, mind and body. you dont need to be with someone if you dont want to

he broke up with you - time this asswipe learned that actions have consequences and people are not things he can leave and they'll just stay where he left them, waiting for him to come back

I agree with the poster who said that the break ups are an attempt at control/manipulation too.
He thinks he'll strengthen his position and get what he wants.

(Theyre also just the throes of a paranoid, insecure, mentally ill person).
I dated an insecure, paranoid, jealous header like this, and he did exactly the same .... Kept breaking up with me.

Eg I went out for a drink with acquaintances on a night I wasn't seeing him,.
(I knew he didn't like/want me socialising on own my but was not going to be controlled like that. We also had no agreement that I would contact him and tell him if I was going out beforehand, because I wouldn't agree to that either).

He rang me when I was in the bar, he asked what I was up to, I said "out for a drink with x and y, they're going on somewhere else, I don't fancy it so I'm going home soon", he ended the call quite abruptly with "I won't keep you then" etc.
I got half way home and received a "you didn't tell me you were out, the trust is broken and the relationship is over" text.

It was one of several similar incidents.
He'd had several unsuccessful relationships of a year or less before dating me. I guarantee it was at least in part due to his behaviour. I guaranteed your stbx also hasnt had a real/long-term relationship before you because of this behaviour too.

No-one decent and well adjusted is breaking up with their partner once, let alone repeatedly like this. He's unstable.

That would make it something to end and leave behind ..... Without all the insane, controlling, thong checking, car seat noticing,, intense paranoia etc.
He's not right in the head, you know.

Why are you throwing yourself away and wasting your time on this?

Women don't have much time to waste if they want to.build a good relationship, have a family etc.

Make this break a permanent one.

You're clearly NOT as bad as he's making you out to be otherwise why would he want you back?

He's just trying to undermine your confidence so you think you can't do any better than him. He's very wrong, you can do loads better.

OP you seem to (understandably) be caught up on whether your behaviour is at fault, whether he's at fault or he gets a pass because of issues...

He's very insecure, no doubt. But the difference between a respectful partner and an abusive partner is that the former sees it as their issue to work on, the latter puts the pressure on you to fix it for them.

Also it's interesting that he says selfish and uncompromising - because there are plenty of things just in this thread where he is both of those things, but again doesnt see any responsibility on his part only on you to make him feel more comfortable.

You need out. He needs to work on himself before he has another relationship