Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone lost weight to fix intimacy problems?

107 replies

scorpio5 · 30/01/2024 18:20

Regular poster NC because this is embarrassing.

Dh and I have been together 15 years. Married 12, we have two primary aged DC. We haven't had sex in 18 months and it is breaking me. We've spoke about it at length and he told me (under duress I should add) that he doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and doesn't want to have sex. We get on apart from this and carry on ok. Except my frustrations.

I have gained a huge amount of weight. Combination of hypothyroidism and emotional eating I'd say - around 7 stone altogether. I'm stuck in a vicious circle of feeling so upset and frustrated that I turn to food. I do understand where he's coming from, I'm not just chubby I'm morbidly obese and it's not nice to look at.

When I've asked him how he deals with the lack of sex he just says he doesn't think about it. I can imagine this to be true as he has got the lower libido of the two of us but surely after 18 months he must need/want something.

I just find it very difficult. Sometimes when we're having a nice day and, on my side at least, I can feel tension building it just comes to nothing. I was smiling at him before but not saying anything, he kept saying 'what, what?' playfully and then obviously realised I was looking for some attention so he quickly changed the subject about how he can't wait to have a huge pizza, a full tummy and an early night.

Just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation, lost weight and it fixed the sex issue.

Also I know I need to lose weight for myself/ my health and not him but it's so hard to find motivation when I'm on the receiving end of constant rejections.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpio5 · 30/01/2024 18:21

Also we're both mid/late 30s for context so I don't think there should be any age related factors at his end going on

OP posts:
Whatapickle23 · 30/01/2024 19:49

I'll be honest. If I met a man who I found attractive and we got into a relationship, if he then gained 7 stone, I'd no longer find him physically attractive and I wouldn't be able to have sex with him. It doesn't matter how much I loved him or how wonderful he was as a person, I wouldn't be aroused by him at all. 7 stone is a lot of weight, it's the weight of a whole petite woman. I'd be ending the relationship because attraction is important, without that, you're pretty much just friends or like siblings.

But maybe your husband doesn't want a sexual relationship at all and actually, he's fine with things as they are.

It doesn't sound like you're happy though. Would you be happier finding a man who likes larger ladies and would be attracted to you at your current size?

Watchkeys · 30/01/2024 20:07

Also I know I need to lose weight for myself/ my health and not him but it's so hard to find motivation when I'm on the receiving end of constant rejections

I think you need to have a look at this part of the issue. It's where boundaries and responsibilities and needs get confused. Work out what you want. Find out what he wants. Work out whether they tally, or you can reach a compromise. For example, if he wants you to get down to the same weight you were when you were 16, that's very different from if he was comfortable your weight until the last few pounds. You might want to get down to x weight, he might want you to get down to less. Work out what you're actually dealing with, so that you can decide how to deal with it.

Your motivation isn't about him. Or, it ought not to be, if it's actually going to motivate you. What do you want? How do you want to go about it? When do you need it to be done by? If he keeps rejecting you, stop asking. Your life and happiness aren't about being what he wants. Are they?

Original poster
scorpio5 · 30/01/2024 20:12

I know, I think I'd feel the same. I wouldn't end our marriage over it because of the kids so I think the only solution is to lose the weight. I don't think he would either because we have a good quality of life otherwise

I was just curious to see if anyone had found an improvement. I think my worry is I could lose 7stone, which doesn't have any down sides for me, but all that effort and he still may not find me attractive. I know no one can answer it, just pondering I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpio5 · 30/01/2024 20:14

@Watchkeys what I want is to have a fulfilling adult relationship but he holds the power to that unfortunately.

I like your idea about what weight he deems attractive, that might feel more attainable than aiming for my version of thin and attractive. I'll get some photos and see what he says, thank you for that suggestion.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/01/2024 20:15

I think my worry is I could lose 7stone, which doesn't have any down sides for me, but all that effort

It does have down sides for you, doesn't it? The chances of growing old watching your children mature will be diminished, for example. Don't you want to make the effort to improve that?

MuchTooTired · 30/01/2024 20:18

I’ve lost weight to fix intimacy problems before, but purely being selfish for myself not DH. If it were an issue for DH and it was an achievable weight then I’d do it, but if he was into an extremely low weight for my size I couldn’t do it because I love eating way too much!

Watchkeys · 30/01/2024 20:23

what I want is to have a fulfilling adult relationship but he holds the power to that unfortunately

Is your relationship fulfilling in all the other ways you want it to be? Emotionally? Psychologically? Division of work etc? I'm just asking because you use the word 'power'. He doesn't hold any more power than you do. He has his requirements, you have yours. He can say no, you can say no. It's meant to be equal.

jessnoah · 30/01/2024 20:23

I'd lose all the weight then as soon as he showed interest in me again I'd tell him to get lost

WhatWhereWho · 30/01/2024 20:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
scorpio5 · 30/01/2024 20:32

I'd say it's mostly fulfilling. He works hard and loves the kids. We get on really well it's just the intimacy issue. Even if he left me over it, I wouldn't have the confidence to hop in to bed with anyone else because of my size so I just need to get on with it really.

@jessnoah this has crossed my mind too. If I lose all the weight then I could end up resenting him for not wanting me now.

OP posts:
PinotPony · 30/01/2024 20:34

Although a desire to rekindle an intimate relationship can be a powerful motivation, will it be enough to keep you on track? I think you need to find a better reason to get healthy. For example, to be a good role model to your children, to have more energy, to avoid diabetes and other health issues. Trying to become "thin" just to be more attractive to another person is the wrong mindset.

What is DH going to do to support you in changing your lifestyle? It has to be a joint effort. Is he willing to look after the kids whilst you go for a walk/ swim/ exercise class? Is he willing to have stir fry for dinner instead of pizza? Tell him what you need him to do.

Instead of looking at the big amount of weight you want to lose, break it down into chunks. If you took it steady and lost 1lb a week, you'd be 4 stone lighter by next year. Don't get drawn into fad diets. Find a good PT to help you and record everything you eat in MyFitnessPal.

If you focus on improving your lifestyle and health, the body confidence will follow naturally.

seeingdots · 30/01/2024 20:38

I really sympathise with you. I’ve put on 5 stone over two pregnancies and struggle massively with my relationship with food. That’s without any thyroid issues like you have. It’s affected intimacy between me and DH but more on my side than his. I don’t know what the answer is. I think as an emotional eater feeling unattractive is more likely to sabotage than motivate.

Nortono · 30/01/2024 20:41

not vastly overweight but losing weight is a massive horn thing for me
you feel better and you want to show it off.

im glad you still get on and can talk honestly with each other. Hope it works out

WhatWhereWho · 30/01/2024 20:44

jessnoah · 30/01/2024 20:23

I'd lose all the weight then as soon as he showed interest in me again I'd tell him to get lost

Really? You think it's unreasonable for someone not to be attracted when a partner gains 7 stone?

Original poster
scorpio5 · 30/01/2024 20:44

It's really hard @seeingdots. I've never been a healthy weight, and I mean even as a child. My parents approach was if you feel happy = eat to celebrate. If you feel sad = eat something to feel better. To lose this weight will mean altering a literal habit of a lifetime. I've spoken to the GP whose advice was to eat less and move more.
Similarly most of my weight was gained through pregnancy too. I had terrible SPD and just couldn't move for the last 16 weeks of each one.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/01/2024 20:44

Trying to become "thin" just to be more attractive to another person is the wrong mindset

I'd be wary of words like 'wrong'.

You may want to question what it is that you want, but counting yourself as 'wrong' for anything isn't going to help your self esteem. There are reasons that you feel the way you do; there's nothing 'wrong' about you. You just need to work out where all the bits fit together, what you want to change, and why.

Dacadactyl · 30/01/2024 20:46

I've not been in this position, but I think you'd be wise to try to lose weight. It only has benefits for you and may lead to a better relationship too.

WhatWhereWho · 30/01/2024 20:50

Weight loss is difficult. Believe me I know and am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can, to a point, get that you fear of resenting him if you lost the weight. But do you think he's being unfair to feel as he does at the moment?

I guess the only thing you can both do is talk and try to understand how the other is feeling and support each other through this. You must both be finding the situation very difficult.

And forgive me for saying this as am sure that you know this. I would say for health reasons above all else you really need to address this.

Seaoftroubles · 30/01/2024 20:56

OP, do it for yourself, don't focus on losing weight for your DH. And please don't look on it as him holding all the power, instead view it as something you can do for yourself to improve your health and well being. If anything do it for your young family who will reap the benefits of you being healthier.
You will feel so much better and be full of energy and body confidence. Hopefully your DH will support you in this as he will have to make changes too.

Est1990 · 30/01/2024 21:05

How about counselling to help with the relationship you have with food? And help you change your mindset as at the moment I read as 'being obese is not great but if i had my intimacy back i wouldn't mind doing anything about it'

You need to do it for your health as it is damaging your organs and put you at much higher risk for other diseases.

Looks are not the most important thing an maybe 18 months without sex hides other issues...but being completely honest i think it can be quite of a turn off.

JumalanTerve · 30/01/2024 21:17

I think you have to decouple your weight loss with your husband's attitude to you. I'd say it is certain that you will resent him once you lose weight and he starts to want intimacy again

Queenmaker · 30/01/2024 21:25

You may be the perfect candidate for Wegovy on prescription if you are obese
This could help get you on the right track.

Original poster
scorpio5 · 30/01/2024 21:26

I know you're all correct, the weight loss should be separate to him and it should be for me for all the reasons listed.
I just feel stuck in a vicious circle of wanting intimacy and to feel loved -> eating badly for comfort for rejection which pushes him further away.

Therapy is definitely needed I think, I approached the GP a while ago but he wasn't interested tbh. Very matter of fact to just eat less.

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 30/01/2024 21:29

He is very shallow if he can't have sex with the woman he loves
Yes he might prefer you at a lower weight. But he can't have sex at all? Wtf is wrong with him