Anyone lost weight to fix intimacy problems?

[scorpio5]

Regular poster NC because this is embarrassing.

Dh and I have been together 15 years. Married 12, we have two primary aged DC. We haven't had sex in 18 months and it is breaking me. We've spoke about it at length and he told me (under duress I should add) that he doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and doesn't want to have sex. We get on apart from this and carry on ok. Except my frustrations.

I have gained a huge amount of weight. Combination of hypothyroidism and emotional eating I'd say - around 7 stone altogether. I'm stuck in a vicious circle of feeling so upset and frustrated that I turn to food. I do understand where he's coming from, I'm not just chubby I'm morbidly obese and it's not nice to look at.

When I've asked him how he deals with the lack of sex he just says he doesn't think about it. I can imagine this to be true as he has got the lower libido of the two of us but surely after 18 months he must need/want something.

I just find it very difficult. Sometimes when we're having a nice day and, on my side at least, I can feel tension building it just comes to nothing. I was smiling at him before but not saying anything, he kept saying 'what, what?' playfully and then obviously realised I was looking for some attention so he quickly changed the subject about how he can't wait to have a huge pizza, a full tummy and an early night.

Just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation, lost weight and it fixed the sex issue.

Also I know I need to lose weight for myself/ my health and not him but it's so hard to find motivation when I'm on the receiving end of constant rejections.

Weight gain is a huge turn off for me. Both for myself and any potential partner. My personal weight loss is a huge libido enhancer

Seriously? I'd find it impossible to find my partner attractive if they'd gained 7 stone.

I couldn't have sex with my partner if they'd gained 7 stone. There's nothing shallow about that ffs. Instant turn off

If I was with a partner who gained 7 stone, I wouldn't be attracted to him, that's a lot of weight to put on and would change your body beyond recognition.
I weigh 7stone and always have done as an adult apart from gaining a stone and a half with each pregnancy (both 7lb healthy babies) and lost it again within two months, both times.
You are carrying around a 'me' surely that can't be good for your health.
I understand losing weight is difficult but I can't understand why you didn't address it when you'd gained two stone.

I absolutely could not find my partner physically attractive and want to have sec with him if he gained 7 stone. A stone maybe, but 7, no.
But if you’re going to lose the weight it needs to be for you and your children, not just for him. It doesn’t really sound like you have that drive and if you’re happy at your weight, maybe finding a man who likes larger ladies is the way to go.

There is so much going on here.

From everything that you have written it sounds like your H’s labido has dropped off a cliff and when pushed he’s said that your weight is a factor because it would stop you from making further advances. I don’t know if he’s adverse to any form of intimacy or just rejects it outright because he’s fearful any form of intimacy will end in an expectation of sex. It sounds like a case of mismatched sex drives. He’s not broken and this isn’t all your fault, it’s just is what it is.

Your disordered eating is a separate issue which I believe you really do need to focus on. Your issues with food and weight gain predate your intimacy issues with your H by a long way and even though you admit this, you give the impression that it will be a relatively easy fix. Trying to lose weight and it not resulting in the return of intimacy with your H could set you even further back.

Your priority at the moment is getting support for your disordered eating and if the GP won’t help you will need to seek get your elbows out and start kicking up a fuss.

Virtue signalling or what?

Weighing a mere 7 stone is equally not a good look tbh so stop being so cruel

OP came on here for help after being rebuffed by her DH. From her latest comments, it is pretty obvious the issue is her DH's lack of sex drive for either medical or psychological reasons and blaming her was a diversionary tactic on his part.

What a cruel world we live in. Shame on those who were never taught that if you haven't got something nice to say, keep your trap shut.

Well done OP for taking the initiative and good luck.

Stop over thinking it. Just take your doctors advice, less eating more movement.

I had my DD on my early forties and I gain 5 stones due to lack of movement because of the pain, confort eating etc. I dropped naturally 4 of them without diet, just managing and lowing my levels of anxiety and stress. Still got one remaining after 5 years and I am not good with diets, but the point is that if you are over eating because of stress and anxiety the best thing is to manage that first. You can go to the GP they can do you a check up and see if there is something else causing it other than external factors, sometimes thiroids may have an impact, sometimes anemia, lack of iron make us slow and our brain ask for food. Not necessarily you have gained that weight because of laziness.

Regarding your initial question I wouldn't do it for him, I would do it for me. You seems not comfortable in the size you are.

Thank you for the supportive comments. For the others who seem astounded by my weight gain it's over a period of 15 years. It creeps up. I have tried to lose weight lots of times. The most I've lost is 3st and then put it back on again.

Relationship with food is complex. I've been fat since infancy. My diet has been terrible My whole life, I never had vegetables as a child for instance. That combined with a huge encouragement of comfort eating has fucked me up for life. I can see it objectively, I know it's a problem. I guess it's similar to being an alcoholic or taking drugs, except I can't go cold turkey with food. Its everywhere obviously. Dh doesn't help at all, he loves takeaways and tbh I feel sabotages my efforts by whinging about having one if I'm on a diet. He has the opportunity for takeaways at work, is only home for 3/4 evenings a week so it's not like he's deprived or goes long periods without one.

That's so sad.

I went from 10stone to 17.5stone because of pregnancy and some serious health issues and I can honestly say DHs love towards me emotionally and physically didn't change a bit. Not a bit.

My confidence was shattered of course but not because of him.

I think it would have broke me if he told me that.

@scorpio5

You need to address the issues,
behind the emotional eating,

another words specifically therapy that deals with comfort eating ect,

aswell as having something visual you can see on a regular basis such as a chart on display at your home
that can illustrate your goals of losing weight ect
so you more able to stay on track..

BTW I'm back down to 11st now and look like a deflated balloon and he's still all over me.

Have you considered that if he's that shallow that he's probably not gonna like your body again if if you get to 8 stone because it definitely won't look like it did before.

I've done this OP.
I lost a lot of weight in an attempt to make myself more attractive to my then DH when he stopped wanting to sleep with me. I'd tried before, but (and I'm not proud to say this) I wasn't motivated enough by health issues- I found that vanity and attractiveness were far more effective motivators!
Lost loads of weight (had been overweight all my adult life) and was slimmer than ever before. DH was then turned off by the loose skin I had and still didn't fancy me. We are now divorced.

I think you should use whatever motivates you, even if that's pleasing someone else or being prettier. But I would find it hard in your position, because even when you lose the weight, you'll always be aware that your husband has set limits on when and in which circumstances he finds you attractive.

At this point I think I could be a Victoria's secret model and he'd still have no inclination so you're probably all correct about loose skin and saggy boobs. I just don't understand how he can do this, or why? He was so absolute when we were talking last night.

I said at point, 'you know if I ask for a hug in bed I can't help but want one thing to lead to another' and he literally scoffed and said 'well that'll never happen'. I don't know who this man is.

This sounds like an issue over and above weight loss given your updates op

its an unhappy place to be in , and it does sound like the focus for you need to shift away from him and his issues into YOU

self work and development isn’t an easy journey
but it does work

but it saddens me that so much of your focus is in HIM
I’d like to see you focus more on your mental and physical health , without him

you say you are worried that he hasn’t got off
what about you and your orgasms and pleasure for example

I think its safe to say given your updates this is not about your weight. A man who has never had much interest in sex and has some unhealthy issues around sex and motherhood has checked out of sex altogether with the mother of his children. You could lose all 7 stone OP and you'd still be a mother and your body would still not be that of your child free years, so he'd still have an excuse to hide his own issues behind.
Tbh while I respect his right to decline sex, I think there's something despicable about telling you your body is the reason, when a fool could see from your updates there are others issues at play, which he must be aware of. For that alone my feelings would take a nose dive, never mind the thought of a sex free marriage.

I said at point, 'you know if I ask for a hug in bed I can't help but want one thing to lead to another' and he literally scoffed and said 'well that'll never happen'. I don't know who this man is.

That is so sad :(

I’m not sure op about this, you seem to want to make it a him problem, when actually it is at a min a joint responsibility.

i say that as I have two good friends in a similar situation, to the extent I wondered if you were her, she is now a size 24. It doesn’t just impact her appearance, but everything she does, from her ability to move around, she gets out of breath easily, her desire to do stuff, as her stamina also is much shorter, her get up and go limited, and it’s to how she dresses, looks, feels about her appearance and her personal grooming.

he loves her, but is not physically attracted to her any more. He has indicated her weight is a part of the reason, but out of possibly misplaced kindness and a desire not to hurt her, he tries to take a lot of the blame on himself, I don’t have a libido any more etc.

the reality is it’s not just the fact she is now very overweight that he doesn’t find attractive, it’s everything that goes with this. The lethargy, the lack of stamina, even her face has changed hugely , and her self care is very limited indeed.

its a difficult situation for both of them, he loves her , but he simply doesn’t fancy her any more. She does the same as you’re doing, she blames his lack of libido and low sex drive, thinks it’s a him problem, although deep down I think she knows, and she does that as although he does say it’s partly her weight, he is happy to take the blame and say that’s the issue, if it makes her feel better and until the day she feels able to loose the weight for herself.

DH and I went through a bit of a bad patch about 5 years ago. Similar to you, we got on great, laughed and talked but very little intimacy. And I felt rejected Anyway, one night it came to a head when he told me he didn't fancy me anymore because of my weight gain. But that he still loved the me inside the fat (paraphrasing here...he didn't say I was fat. I did) when it came down to it the choice was simple; the love of my life or cake. I chose him. Lost 3 stone, got into my target BMI and stayed there ever since. I'm now 51, hitting the menopause and the 3lbs I put on at Xmas is taking forever to shift, so I'm glad I lost the weight when I did. I didn't resent him for saying it. I ended up more annoyed with myself for letting a few pounds here and there go on and on without addressing it.

It's very sad indeed - but a cruel and heartless response from her husband

I strongly suspect that your relationship isn't fixable with weight loss, but that doesn't mean it's not worth doing for other reasons.

Speaking as a woman in her fifties, weightloss (and the associated skin issues and metabolism issues if you succeed) is only going to get more difficult as you get older. Now is the time to start while you still have relative youth on your side.

Thank you for your honesty @Freakinfraser I'm not your friend but agree similar parallels.

This is about more than weight, OP. This was very cruel and unkind of your husband. There's a thousand gentle ways of him saying he'd like you to lose weight, and he's choosing to be horrible.

His unkindness would make him very unsexy in my eyes.

I think you’re taking a comment in isolation. You need to look at the wider context, as well as he may feel under pressure to have sex he just doesnt wish to have. And thats his right she is not entitled to sex any more than he is. She can leave the relationship, but he’s clearly aware she wants sex and he is having to repeatedly make it clear he doesn’t wish to.

He clearly has been kind previously , one comment doesn’t somehow make him a horrible person, otherwise we would all be ogres.