Anyone lost weight to fix intimacy problems?

[scorpio5]

Regular poster NC because this is embarrassing.

Dh and I have been together 15 years. Married 12, we have two primary aged DC. We haven't had sex in 18 months and it is breaking me. We've spoke about it at length and he told me (under duress I should add) that he doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and doesn't want to have sex. We get on apart from this and carry on ok. Except my frustrations.

I have gained a huge amount of weight. Combination of hypothyroidism and emotional eating I'd say - around 7 stone altogether. I'm stuck in a vicious circle of feeling so upset and frustrated that I turn to food. I do understand where he's coming from, I'm not just chubby I'm morbidly obese and it's not nice to look at.

When I've asked him how he deals with the lack of sex he just says he doesn't think about it. I can imagine this to be true as he has got the lower libido of the two of us but surely after 18 months he must need/want something.

I just find it very difficult. Sometimes when we're having a nice day and, on my side at least, I can feel tension building it just comes to nothing. I was smiling at him before but not saying anything, he kept saying 'what, what?' playfully and then obviously realised I was looking for some attention so he quickly changed the subject about how he can't wait to have a huge pizza, a full tummy and an early night.

Just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation, lost weight and it fixed the sex issue.

Also I know I need to lose weight for myself/ my health and not him but it's so hard to find motivation when I'm on the receiving end of constant rejections.

At least he has been honest and not mean. just start slow, cut down and do some exercise, you’ll feel so much better.

Ive always been chonky, I’m still sturdy but really fit at present and have toned up don’t regret a thing.

I'd like to be honest here Op, if that means I upset you it's not my intention. If you read a lot of threads on relationships it's mainly the women who go off sex, for many reasons, but what stands out in your post is that your DH doesn't want to kiss you or hold hands - time after time on the sex threads women don't want any physical contact because they're afraid their OH will see it as a come on, that their partners are so keen for sex they'll see anything as a green light. I think that's where your DH is, he doesn't want sex anymore and he doesn't want to give you the wrong impression.
The hard but honest part is that once your relationships been sexless for too long it's really hard to go back, your DH just doesn't see that way anymore. I'd love you to lose lots of weight because it would make you healthier, extend your life, let you do more with your DC and get you out of this downward spiral you're in but please don't do it for your DH, if nothing changes you will feel twice as bad and gain it all back again- do it for you and your DC

I've been in this position in the past so thought I'd throw my twopenneth in. In my first marriage my ex did exactly the same. He had a lower sex drive anyway but told me he didn't want sex due to my weight going up. I did end up losing the weight, and then he told me he wasn't interested as my boobs were too saggy ( they really weren't).

I realised it was more about him, not me and we separated shortly afterwards. My current husband is completely different. My weight has increased due to a long term health condition and medication. He is still as into me as ever and we have a good sex life .

Not at all, I appreciate your honesty @Daleksatemyshed. Your opinion echoes mine, which tbh is why I made this thread as it just doesnt feel like im getting the whole story. I think there's a few outcomes:

1. it is my weight and we reconnect when he finds me attractive.

2. there's something going on with him and he's using my weight as an excuse.

3. he doesn't love me anymore

I think 3 could be a possibility. He likes an easy life and divorce and starting again would not be easy. On the other hand we do get on and have fun together, I've given him no reason to dislike me the way that he must to withhold any intimacy. Guess I'll find out in 6 months or so!

@crochetcrazy1978 thank you for sharing. I can imagine him saying the same, or just that he doesn't see me that way.

I came across the Madonna whore complex reading recently and I think there may be some truth in that. Tmi warning but I used to frequently give him oral but remember him stopping it after eldest was born because I'm a mum now. Obvs I would've brushed teeth and cleaned up before going anywhere near the kids but that always sits in my memory as being a bit odd.

Honestly, I'd go for 2 Op, there's something going on with him. It's a big assumption I know but men can be very secretive about sexual problems. Just as some women can feel undermined in their feminity if they can't have a DC so men can feel "less of a man" if they have ED or sexual hangups and men seem to find it very hard to talk about it. Society has this view of men as always wanting sex, always up for it, but if he doesn't feel that way he can't help it.
It would really help if he could be properly honest with you but it's going to be a very difficult conversation- good luck

I would follow the diet on diabetes Uk and quit drinking anything other than water and tea /coffee. That what I did and I lost two stone along with walking and lifting weights (I went to a class but you can also do online) as building up even a little bit of muscle
Helps burn fat quicker for some reason.

All of this will definitely boost your own mood and confidence and make you feel better and of course live longer and have more energy for your kids. If your partner then decides he finds you shaggable that's an after thought ~ you might realise you deserve better and find someone nicer too!

Well getting my thoughts out on here prompted me to speak to him tonight. Straight off the bat he was incredibly defensive. He said my weight is a factor but also said since he had a vasectomy he has had 0 drive. I tried to say it doesn't affect hormones so maybe he should get them checked incase there is something going on. He couldn't have refused more strongly.

He also said he thinks he's old before his time, doesn't place any value on sex and seems to find it seedy and repulsive from his facial expressions when I offered different approaches we could use to try and ease back into it. I'm talking baby steps but just got completely and utterly shot down.

He refused to discuss it in detail. So I pushed him for a time when we can discuss further that would suit him. He said in a month arbitrarily. So I've sent him a calendar reminder for a month's time to discuss the situation further.

This shouldn't even be an argument. I feel like we're arguing because I love him too much Yet he places no value on my needs or happiness. He's not going to change which means I get the impossible choice of breaking up an otherwise happy family for sex or continue living a half life like this til they're older.

Or going outside of your marriage for sex. Ideally with his consent. But if that's not forthcoming, there are some situations where it can be justified.

Losing 7 stone is nigh on impossible if you have a bad relationship with food.

it is a lot of weight to put on though.

I think it would be justified to be honest if he continues to refuse to do anything at all to help himself/us. I don't think I could do it though

Why are you looking for other reasons? He told you he doesn’t find you sexually attractive. All the rest is bullshit.

@Thisisit2 might be fat but at least I'm not a twat.

Erm for better or worse. Well I'm glad my hubby didn't turn from me when I put weight on at one point because I was ill

@scorpio5 This is so sad op he's saying he's got no sex drive and refuses to go see about it so it seems like he's decided the sexual side of your relationship is pretty much over. You now need to decide if you are ok with a sexless and unaffectionate marriage. Lose the weight for yourself op to get your own confidence and health back on track

Yeah exactly. Again, probably tmi, but I asked him how he's coped, like if he's took care of himself and he said no. So I don't think it is me. If it was just my appearance I'm sure he'd take up watching porn or something to compensate but he hasn't.

It wouldn't bother me if he has a medical condition that we could work through, once I've lost some weight, but the refusal to get any help is really the worst bit.

i think it’s fair enough not being attracted to a morbidly obese person. Sorry but I wouldn’t be either

I think he's been honest. You subjected him to duress and he gave you an honest answer. He's entitled to his opinion as you are.

I would look at it as losing weight for a far better quality of life rather than for fixing your intimacy problems.

I'd lose the dead weight by divorcing him and find a man that loved me the way I am. You'll instantly lose 10 stone, problem solved.

If you do decide to lose weight, I would really recommend first reading 'The Obesity Code' by Dr Jason Fung and also watching various talks he's given on youtube. I found it massively helpful and it allowed me to go from obese to a healthy weight.

The typical 'eat less and exercise more' advice didn't work for me. I'd exercise but then eat to reward myself, or eat less but then snack during the day. The book explains exactly what's happening to insulin, food, weight loss (and even how stress affects us as well). Understanding how my body works helped me make better choices. Cut out sugar, eat main meals but don't snack, stretch out the time that I'm not eating from dinner to breakfast etc.

Good luck and be kind to yourself!

I will focus on loosing the weight first and then see where we are. I found the deadbedroom thread on reddit so that's been, well not nice to read but enlightening.

Thank you for all the helpful weight loss ideas too. I've worked out my tdee and just need to make a list of meals that are low calorie, then a shopping list from that.

I'm hoping to lose a stone by our meeting just so I can take tangible proof of making an effort on my part.

I gained 3 stones after pregnancy and i feel disgusted to see myself in the mirror. And i’m in the process of losing weight now. Its damn hard but you have to do it.

attraction its important. Both me and my husband is gaining weight after marriage and when we in our highest weight we rarely had sex. I felt like a whale 😅. Now both of us slimmer (but still not ideal) and the sex coming back.

the most important is losing weight. Its bot important what your motivation is as long as the motivation worked for you.

@scorpio5 it is NOT your weight Believe me it isnt!!!

This is another bloke who has problems with intimacy and sex and the stopping oral sex cos you are a mum now SCREAMS Madonna/whore complex. After you have lost the weight it will be something else he will find fault with.

OP, I think it was incredibly cruel of him to say that he didn’t find you attractive anymore. Especially as it seems he just has zero libido and doesn’t want to do anything about it. I suspect that if you lose weight, he will find another excuse to avoid intimacy as he seems no longer wired for it.
Weight is a highly personal thing and I have nothing to add on that matter. But maybe you might find someone else more in tune with your needs with or without changing your appearance. Xx