Anyone lost weight to fix intimacy problems?

[scorpio5]

Regular poster NC because this is embarrassing.

Dh and I have been together 15 years. Married 12, we have two primary aged DC. We haven't had sex in 18 months and it is breaking me. We've spoke about it at length and he told me (under duress I should add) that he doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and doesn't want to have sex. We get on apart from this and carry on ok. Except my frustrations.

I have gained a huge amount of weight. Combination of hypothyroidism and emotional eating I'd say - around 7 stone altogether. I'm stuck in a vicious circle of feeling so upset and frustrated that I turn to food. I do understand where he's coming from, I'm not just chubby I'm morbidly obese and it's not nice to look at.

When I've asked him how he deals with the lack of sex he just says he doesn't think about it. I can imagine this to be true as he has got the lower libido of the two of us but surely after 18 months he must need/want something.

I just find it very difficult. Sometimes when we're having a nice day and, on my side at least, I can feel tension building it just comes to nothing. I was smiling at him before but not saying anything, he kept saying 'what, what?' playfully and then obviously realised I was looking for some attention so he quickly changed the subject about how he can't wait to have a huge pizza, a full tummy and an early night.

Just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation, lost weight and it fixed the sex issue.

Also I know I need to lose weight for myself/ my health and not him but it's so hard to find motivation when I'm on the receiving end of constant rejections.

I’m currently losing weight and part of the reason is to solve intimacy problems on my side. My husband has no qualms having sex with me but I feel very uncomfortable at my current size.

Little by little I’m losing weight. It is incredible slow because I’m perimenopausal but it will get there eventually.

https://healthmedia.blog.gov.uk/2023/09/04/accessing-wegovy-for-weight-loss-everything-you-need-to-know/

You need to think about yourself here because absolutely and understandably, you might become resentful. I would think of your health and think about maximising your wellness in terms of your children and grandchildren. And your comfort, as surely this would tie in with your health.

There are a lot of women here who could tell you about their experience with Wegovy. You do still need to change to a healthier diet and exercise as you feel better. Therapy for why you are emotionally eating would also be a good idea.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/weight_loss_chat

Lose weight, look hot then leave him. I'm in two minds, he should really love you for you, but equally it's fair enough if he doesn't find you attractive. I'm assuming he still looks great of course than he's justified to judge

I'm assuming he still looks great of course than he's justified to judge

Attraction isn't about judgement though, and healthy relationships don't work on a tit-for-tat basis. He doesn't have to 'be justified' in finding/not finding OP attractive, even if he's put a lot of weight on himself.

There really is a lot of confusion about what we feel and what we think. We can't control our feelings, really. Most of us have been attracted to someone we knew we shouldn't, at some point, but couldn't just stop feeling.

I'm not gonna lie, saying things like "all that effort " and what if he doesn't want me still is in itself defeatist and not attractive. You really are seeing it already as too hard when it needn't be.
As and average build person, I notice if I've put on a few pounds and I already feel more sedentary, tired and frumpy from half a stone. 7 St is an extra human, its lot of weight to lug around and I can only imagine its quite draining to be shifting your out body mass up the stairs etc for instance.
You could be heading for diabetes in future - I bet its in your family if they have the same lifestyle.
Don't have a fad diet, you need a life change, and the unmotivated vibe I'm getting is that you need a club with others to motivate you.
IME, moderation and a little of what you fancy is total BS. Actually, eating sweet stuff, makes you like sweet stuff. If you cut down carbs and especially sugar, you do actually lose the taste for it, so down the line, if you have some, it's too sweet and not enjoyable. The less you have of what you initially crave, the less you want it.

I've been in a similar boat to where you are OP. My ex (note the ex) told me he didn't find me attractive anymore and blamed that for a lack of intimacy. I never recovered from that TBH.

We had been together a long time and both of our weights yo-yoed up and down in the 20 years we were together. Being blunt, there had been intimacy issues for our entire relationship and I buried my head in the sand with them. He was always emotionally unavailable. We were not compatible TBH. I lost a lot of weight a few years into our relationship and it changed absolutely nothing. He was still emotionally avoidant and distant. So when he came out blaming me all those years later, I knew it wasn't about my weight at all.

We have now separated. I am happier living on my own. Our relationship just wasn't good. I've also stopped binge eating for the first time in 20 years. Not a coincidence. We were miserable together TBH. I ate and he drank to drown it all out. We are both much happier separated now and our kids are too.

The emotional unavailability strikes a chord. I so understand attraction is important but I get nothing beyond a hug.
I miss kissing, holding hands etc but it's all off the table.

I think if he just up and left tomorrow, once over the initial upset, I'd probably have a better mindset to lose the weight. It's such a headfuck wanting someone who doesn't feel the same but feeling like there's no way out. It's such a vicious cycle.

I don't mean to sound defeatist, I understand the need to do it for my health. I mean from the perspective of getting us back on track it could all be for nothing. Obviously I still benefit from it personally

Do you think that there's a possibility that, even if he wanted you again in the future, you wouldn't want him in the same way, because he's shown such a lack of respect for your feelings and needs?

I think it'd turn me right off, if my partner stopped showing me affection because I'd put weight on. I can understand not wanting to have sex, but there's so much more than that. Holding hands and cuddling etc, stuff he doesn't seem to want to offer you. I don't think I'd be able to reciprocate affection that turned on and off according to my weight.

Has the intimacy ever been there? Has he ever been emotionally available?

You might benefit from advice from someone who has similar experiences of long term weight and lifestyle issues who has surmounted it. People who don't have similar problems have a hard time understanding how others get so big and out of condition. It's hard to fathom unless you are there I guess.

7 stone is a lot to gain so as others have said I don’t think it’s completely unfair that he doesn’t find you attractive anymore. You need to want to lose weight for you, to see your kids grow up, have their own kids, so you don’t develop weight related issues.

I recommend calorie counting. It’s easy to fit in around family life. Download my fitness pal or get a pen and notepad and first track for a week or so and see how many calories roughly you’re eating. I’d recommend finding out your maintenance calories using a TDEE calculator -https://tdeecalculator.net/. I use this one. It will tell you your maintenance calories, how many calories you need each day. Then reduce by 1000 calories per day for 2lbs loss per week (you’d probably lose much more in first few weeks) or reduce by 500 for 1lbs per week. Increase your step count, but even if you do zero exercise you’ll lose weight if you are burning off more than you consume. Just make some swaps to family meals, less potatoes, more veg to fill up.

That’s how I’ve always lost weight, others like to use slimming world (you can eat more on that, but only certain food, with calorie counting if you want a Big Mac you can if it’s within your calories. I’ve lost 7lbs calorie counting since 1st Jan. I feel so much better for it, hoping to lose the rest before April. You could lose a couple of stone before summer starts if you start today. But do it for YOU!!

@scorpio5 I think you've identified that there's lots of good reasons for losing weight in terms of health benefits, improving self esteem etc. I won't advise you on the best way to do it or anything like that but I picked this comment up in your OP and it rang a bit of an alarm bell for me:

he quickly changed the subject about how he can't wait to have a huge pizza, a full tummy and an early night

Is there any way your DH could be using your weight as an excuse to avoid sex? Equally as pp said even if he didn't feel sexually attracted to you, that's not really a reason to give up all affection, intimacy and physical contact. You don't have to want to shag someone to give them a hug or hold their hand. (Of course, he could be anxious about where this might lead too).

I suppose what I'm saying is, don't assume that if you lost weight your problem would be solved. I think it might run a bit deeper than that for both of you.

Id lose the weight for my children first and foremost with my health being the reason why, to give myself the best chance of being alive for them Aslong as possible.

When you have gained weight losing weight makes you feel more confident and happier in yourself.

So you really have nothing to lose.

What I find odd is you were talking and he said he wanted a big pizza, full tummy, almost exactly what you don't need. Like he is laying the groundwork that it is you that needs to lose weight whilst he scoffs pizza in front of you.

So I think you need to approach this with an iron fist OP, inform him what you are cooking, if you do the cooking, for yourself and the kids, and he is welcome to join you but if he wants a full tummy of pizza and chocolate he will need to buy and cook those himself.

Good luck OP

@Disturbia81
He is very shallow if he can't have sex with the woman he loves
Yes he might prefer you at a lower weight. But he can't have sex at all? Wtf is wrong with him
I wouldn't find my OH attractive with a 7 stone weight gain and wouldn't want sex, it doesn't make anyone shallow, ppl like what they like.

How is it shallow ? I couldn’t be attracted to someone overweight at all. Not in a nasty way but that would be the no 1 turn off me I do not find it in any attractive.

The guys been honest and upfront how can that be bad. And how can a man possibly get aroused if not into what’s in front of him ?

Honestly, I'm not sure. Sexual attraction for most people in long term relationships is not completely reliant on finding the other person's body aesthetically pleasing. It's usually about a lot of things, being attracted by their face, smile, expressions, the things they do, in and out of bed. I get that a huge weight gain may make a person less attractive, but to completely switch off any desire to be intimate with them, is perhaps less usual. From his behaviour when he suspects you want sex, your H seems to have an actual aversion, to the extent of almost panicking to head you off. I could be wrong, but i find it hard to see this as being all about your weight. My point, lose weight for your health, it will be a game changer. But don't see it as a guarantee of sex being back on the table, because I think there may be more going on there.

I find the double standards on this fascinating.

There was a post a few days ago about a woman wanting to leave her husband because she didn't find him attractive anymore and it was LTB. Then lots of posts on MN about how a DH wants to have sex with DW but the wife doesn't want to with the raft of responses of 'its your body. LTB'. It sounds here that the man actually is a good guy that when pressed admitted he didn't find her attractive and what people want here is for him to have lied and meet her sexual needs even if he doesn't want to.

Also, he has not asked her to lose weight but if she wanted to do so to feel attractive for him then why on earth is that a bad thing? When did it become a horrible thing to do something to make someone else happy? MN is so depressing some times.

I think the replies say the opposite to what you think and plenty of them agree with wat you have said.

So what if he still doesn't want sex with you after you lose it? What do you mean it would be for nothing?? you need to lose the weight for yourself and kids.

I think you have no other options than to lose weight and change lifestyle

let’s put aside the intimacy , but for your own health and well-being and confidence

im certainly not a wraith , but I do try and exervise and eat right as (a) I’m a lone parent (b) for mental health
im not even dating , I do it for me

this project of self care will make you feel a lot better than how things are now

in terms of intimacy , stop trying
focus on you and your health

who knows what will emerge

both of you are reasonable
and he can’t un say what he said

Thanks everyone. I know he's not unreasonable and it's helpful to have outsider perspectives.

I agree with the pp who mentioned about it being like an aversion though. I definitely feel like he heads off any possible situation that could result in some kind of intimacy. It's like panic on his face.

It's quite unsettling tbh. We haven't had sex in such a long time I feel like he must be needing some sort of release. I've even pondered offering to take care of him with nothing in return. I'm not sure if that's weird, certainly feels a bit dehumanising. But on the other hand I might get more of an insight in to his feelings around sex.

I've been off work today and put makeup on for the first time in a long time. I've had a day of self care and researching diet plans and I am going to go for low calorie. I'm also going to book myself in for some eyelash extensions, just because I'd like them. I've not looked after myself for so long I really need to make it a priority.

Yeah probably fair comment.