Anyone lost weight to fix intimacy problems?

[scorpio5]

Regular poster NC because this is embarrassing.

Dh and I have been together 15 years. Married 12, we have two primary aged DC. We haven't had sex in 18 months and it is breaking me. We've spoke about it at length and he told me (under duress I should add) that he doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and doesn't want to have sex. We get on apart from this and carry on ok. Except my frustrations.

I have gained a huge amount of weight. Combination of hypothyroidism and emotional eating I'd say - around 7 stone altogether. I'm stuck in a vicious circle of feeling so upset and frustrated that I turn to food. I do understand where he's coming from, I'm not just chubby I'm morbidly obese and it's not nice to look at.

When I've asked him how he deals with the lack of sex he just says he doesn't think about it. I can imagine this to be true as he has got the lower libido of the two of us but surely after 18 months he must need/want something.

I just find it very difficult. Sometimes when we're having a nice day and, on my side at least, I can feel tension building it just comes to nothing. I was smiling at him before but not saying anything, he kept saying 'what, what?' playfully and then obviously realised I was looking for some attention so he quickly changed the subject about how he can't wait to have a huge pizza, a full tummy and an early night.

Just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation, lost weight and it fixed the sex issue.

Also I know I need to lose weight for myself/ my health and not him but it's so hard to find motivation when I'm on the receiving end of constant rejections.

When we came back from abroad I weighed myself for first time since before covid- I was 16st 3 - couldn't believe it and didn't look that bad as it was 'all over' - a year later I'm down to 14 stone and at 62 even 2 stone was not easy. - but I do feel a bit better about myself. Do it for you OP- and can I say (and I'm a total hypocrite I know) - I didn't fancy my H with 3 stone gained - all on his belly -

This may sound unkind, but a few stone gained over time is quite normal, 7st is a huge amount and I imagine you must look like a completely different person. I get the impression that struggled with your weight to begin with. I do feel for you Op. I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to tackle the over eating. I found the book Never Binge Again very helpful. It's harsh and not everyone 'gets it' but imo it's very good.

Regardless of whether it improves your marital issues, it is important for you to prioritise your own health and your children's wellbeing by losing weight.

With regards to your husband not wanting sex. It is perfectly acceptable for a woman or a man to decline physical intimacy with their partner, morbidly obese or not, if they are not comfortable with it. He may or may not want sex after weight loss, you may or may not as well. I imagine atm weight loss should be a priority over sex life.

It's extremely thoughtless and insensitive for your husband to continue ordering takeaways knowing that you struggle with food and weight loss. While you can express your concerns and ask him to stop, ultimately he will make his own decisions regardless. If he disregards your request and continues ordering takeaways, then it really indicates a lot about his level of care and consideration towards you!

How I lost weight
One step at a time

1. Walk more until it becomes routine.
2. Address mindless eating habits, triggers etc, until they no longer control you.
3. Gradually adopt healthier food choices.
4. Make calorie counting a habit, then consider monitoring macros.
5. Join a gym or pursue a desired physical hobby to stay active.

Progress isn't linear and you will have setbacks and bad days, weeks etc. Just keep going.
Rememeber: Small changes accumulate into a significant transformation.
Remember: Calories in, calories out.
Remember: To indulge more, burn more calories!
Good luck! Make 2024 your year. You are worth the effort.

It's extremely thoughtless and insensitive for your husband to continue ordering takeaways knowing that you struggle with food and weight loss

clearly it’s not just take aways and it is unacceptable to decide this man can’t have what he wishes occasionally, because of his wife’s weight issues. He is a person, not simply a pet there to provide emotional support.

I’m always dismayed by the view some posters have about their spouses and understand fully why so many marriages end in divorce,

the amount of posters who seem to think it is a man’s job to provide, financially and sexually. Never have an off day, never drink unless the wife ok s it, seldom go out with friends, and only eat food that his wife approves of is shocking,

do people walk up the aisle and say, right that’s it, it’s now all about me. You don’t count snd I want all your money too.

because that’s what it reads like

That is heartbreaking to read 😣 I understand how hard it is, I have been massively overweight, lost it all then gained most of it back so I know how hard it is, and bloody draining too when all you seem to think about is food/what you can't eat/how much your knees ache etc

He sounds really cold, nobody deserves to be with someone that makes them feel that way and scoffs at them. I would be looking at planning a future without him in it (I know you said you have young kids so it's easier said than done) because life with him doesn't sound very happy or fun. We only get one life, is it worth wasting it with someone who makes you feel this way?

I know I might be missing the point and forgive me since advice was not asked for. But I've found that smaller manageable changes at first tend to be more sustainable. Would it be possible to start gradually and build up? Reduce a certain item and where necessary work towards cutting it out completely, perhaps start also with going for a regular walk -even a few minutes can help get things moving and make that a daily thing and gradually increase. Yo-yoing with weight is pretty common, I have too. I also, have had a difficult relationship with food and still have a long way to go with weight, but it's got to be part of an overall lifestyle change not a diet as such. Figuring out why I overeat has been a big part of it, but not the only part as have a lot of habits and routines to change.

And whilst perhaps its not fair or sustainable for a partner or family to never have certain things in the house forever he should be looking for ways to support you. Certainly not complaining about not having a takeaway in the short-term. Being honest with each other and working on this together could be a way to bring you closer together again. And am sure he could benefit from getting fitter and healthier too. I know how difficult and upsetting it is. I wish you both well