Affair revenge

[PrincessLeia2]

My husband of 17 yrs had an affair last year. I still haven’t got to the bottom of what really went on. Messages were deleted and there was literally nothing for me to see other than a message from him to her saying ‘I love you’.
Affair lasted 2 months according to him. He lied and lied and I was forced to ring the ow to find out the truth. She turned out to be vile and dropped hints there was more but wouldn’t tell me. Long Story short- he didn’t want to leave me. I took him back. He’s had no contact with her and she lives a few hours from us.
its almost a year on from my discovery.
in the weeks after that my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I wake up every day wanting to die but I keep going for my wonderful teenage children.
We had counselling but I didn’t get on with it. He says it was a sexual thing and it is now over. Our sex life had been non existent and now it is much better.
however.. I haven’t forgiven him. I love him but I also despise him. Every time we have sex I think of him doing it with her and it spoils it for me.
I have met someone online and he is in the same boat as me- his wife cheated but they are still together. He wants us to have sex. We get on brilliantly. We’ve spoken on the phone and FaceTimed. We’ve met up for coffee twice. We have loads in common. He is everything my husband is not. He says that he would never ever cheat but his wife’s infidelity means that he no longer cares about being loyal to her.
I feel the same way about my husband, but I’m conflicted. Aren’t I just stooping to his level if I go through with it?

Yes, you are unfortunately. Leave if you want to leave, stay if you want to stay, but make a decision and stick to it otherwise it will eat you. As you have found out, once the rot sets in, all sorts of strangeness crosses your mind.

You still have to look at yourself in the mirror, and it for tat rarely meets one's own moral standards, so that will end up eating you too.

You don't really need to ask this question do you?

Maybe just ready any MN infidelity thread and you'll get your answer!

Your marriage is over

Honestly don’t stoop to his ratty level. You’re better than that & I know this new feller is probably giving you that buzz that you’re lacking from your Husband, but when all is said & done is it worth your dignity?

If you feel like your relationship with your Husband is not worth fighting for (Husband should be the one doing most of the fighting) then wouldn’t you consider divorcing him? At least you can say you tried & it didn’t work. Because by the sounds of it, you HAVE tried & you’re still unhappy.

Life is to short to be living unhappy x

The advice that a relative was given after her husband cheated was ‘if you can’t let it go then you have to let them go’

That's the reality OP. Having a tit for tat affair means you’re allowing him to drag you down.

I think you need to accept your marriage is over.

Don’t fall for the tales the other chap is spinning either. Stay or go. Don’t muck about.

it’s not unreasonable to be struggling with it, it will take a while for you to trust him, forgive him, and forget. It needs time and distance.

Nah, don't bring sully yourself down to his level. Just leave him,.

Don’t stoop to their level.

Absolutely leave him though. You deserve much better

Leave your husband if you can't bare him. Don't cheat, will be extra drama on your life. You don't need to be a cheater nor to fake a relationship with your husband if the relationship is broken.

If cheating is against your moral code, you will be disgusted with yourself. There is honour and self respect knowing you kept to your morals for you.
People cheat because that's who they are, not because of other people. For a non-cheater, no matter what happens they just don't cheat, it's not an option to entertain they separate. You might say you've only become like this because he cheated on you but then a cheatet would say I only cheated cos my spoude did this and didn't do that.

Marriage is over, leave with dignity. He will never be hurt about you cheating because he doesn't care in fact he will feel less guilty and even with you. Exit with your head held high and stop with this online guy who knows if his story is even true.

I would do it.

I also wouldn’t believe any bloke who told me his wife… cheated on him/won’t have sex with him/wont let him see the kids if he leaves, etc…

His wife’s probably a nice lady at home looking after the kids - like you were. Don’t be that person.

Whether or not it is stooping to his level, he will def see it that way, and it will be his what-about-excuse for anything going forward.
Not worth the bother. New guy doesn't sound great either. Ditch em both and find someone you and your conscience can enjoy

Dress it up as revenge if you want, but you're having an affair. And yes, you're already having one if you're discussing having sex with another man. An emotional one at least.

If you want to fuck someone else, either talk to your husband about an open relationship or split up.

Yep. They will lie and say anything to get no strings sex, especially on OLD.

I wouldn’t believe a word of it.

Also you will be asked in the future by new love interests family like your children or frirends if you have cheated and it will damage your reputation, a future guy who was hurt by cheating and never cheated wouldn't want to date you.
Your children will lose respect for both parents. It will fuck up how they see relationships as unsafe and commitment meaningless.

He broke the marriage dont let this also break your morality and integrity. You will have to live with your actions and the topic of cheating will come up, if you fess most people wont sympathise or will want to avoid you... the only revenge is leaving with the best financial settlement and a head held high. Seeing you live a new chapter with dignity and happiness.

I would just be very very careful that the online guy is not just saying a mirror image of what you're saying to get you into bed.

You should not see the online guy I don't think.

Your dh will have mega double standards. He thinks it's ok/excusable for him to cheat, but if you cheat, you will be the devil. He won't see it as a fair sort of you cheated so I get a go.

You really shouldn't have sex with the online guy, sorry. It is probably something that is making you feel a bit better at the moment, but it'll royally fuck things to hell. Plus your dh will probably brush his cheating under the carpet and tell everyone including your child that you are a harlot.

OP, do you really believe that the online lover boy's wife cheated on him? Don't you reckon it's just a line to get women like you into bed with him. "My wife doesn't understand me" or "My wife cheated on me, her wonderul loyal husband" are two of the oldest lines in the book.

So, if you do jump into bed with him you are being the OW yourself and treating his wife with the heartless contempt you were treated with.

He wants us to have sex.

He says that he would never ever cheat

But his wife’s infidelity means that he no longer cares about being loyal to her.

Interesting dissonance he has going on there.

I wouldn't have the affair, but primarily because you're already vulnerable and struggling. I think this situation could prove to be very stressful and potentially upsetting if things go wrong (which they likely will, either your husband finding out or this other man not being as nice as you think). For your own wellbeing I would close this down and try work through your current issues.

I wouldn’t do it.

1- you’d go down to his level. Why would you do that? Your self respect would take such a battering.
2- if I was you I’d be worried, your teens would learn about the affair. And then what? See point 1-
3- it won’t solve anything in your marriage. More likely it will highlight even more how crap things ate
4- you have your dmum to think about. You have a hell of a lot on your plate already. You really don’t need another layer of complexity, deception etc.. on the top of it
5- you know nothing about this guy. He is telling you all the things you want to hear. But is it the truth? See how many men lie to the OW.

Don't lower yourself and cheat in return. Keep your self respect and separate from your husband, then you can leave with your head held high. As for this man you met online he is probably a cheat too, you have no proof his story is true. Did you meet on an online dating site? If so l wouldn't believe a word of what he's told you.

I did it OP. In very similar circs.

I don't regret it at all, it felt amazing, the sex and connection was fantastic, just what I needed at that time when the practicalities of a potential divorce was looming and everything seemed so difficult. I felt totally justified. It was beautiful escapism, not one single pang of guilt here.

Do not lower yourself. This other man is telling you what you want to hear, you haven't got a clue who he is. Don't be a fool. Either leave your marriage or work on saving it before you end up in a right state.

You might not feel better if you go through with this, and I also suspect this man is spinning you a fairytale. If you can’t let it go, you should think about separating. Perhaps with space and a period of reflection, you might have a better idea of whether you want to divorce or reconcile.