Affair revenge

[PrincessLeia2]

My husband of 17 yrs had an affair last year. I still haven’t got to the bottom of what really went on. Messages were deleted and there was literally nothing for me to see other than a message from him to her saying ‘I love you’.
Affair lasted 2 months according to him. He lied and lied and I was forced to ring the ow to find out the truth. She turned out to be vile and dropped hints there was more but wouldn’t tell me. Long Story short- he didn’t want to leave me. I took him back. He’s had no contact with her and she lives a few hours from us.
its almost a year on from my discovery.
in the weeks after that my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I wake up every day wanting to die but I keep going for my wonderful teenage children.
We had counselling but I didn’t get on with it. He says it was a sexual thing and it is now over. Our sex life had been non existent and now it is much better.
however.. I haven’t forgiven him. I love him but I also despise him. Every time we have sex I think of him doing it with her and it spoils it for me.
I have met someone online and he is in the same boat as me- his wife cheated but they are still together. He wants us to have sex. We get on brilliantly. We’ve spoken on the phone and FaceTimed. We’ve met up for coffee twice. We have loads in common. He is everything my husband is not. He says that he would never ever cheat but his wife’s infidelity means that he no longer cares about being loyal to her.
I feel the same way about my husband, but I’m conflicted. Aren’t I just stooping to his level if I go through with it?

@PrincessLeia2@PrincessLeia21

My heart does go out to you. I’m so glad you’ve cut contact with the online guy. You really need to focus on your healing, your family and figuring out a possible exit plan.

Your husband is regretful I have no doubt about that but he is not remorseful and there is no surprise you’re so utterly lost when he’s not being fully transparent and using manipulation strategies to avoid answering any questions.

FWIW a short read is ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ it’s a basic roadmap for cheats in supporting their partners to heal and you’ll see he falls way too short of all the things he should be doing. I think someone mentioned surviving infidelity and that’s an amazing site which can really help you understand what you need and why to heal.

I can see that you’re bleeding out in front of him and he’s not giving you anything. It’s nonsense that betrayed partners should just move on from the cheating or move out. That kind of (very old fashioned) advice leads to rug sweeping and a cheat being able to remain in wayward mode making them a poor partner as they’re so unsafe.

Reconciliation is bloody hard work and involves the cheater moving heaven and earth to make the betrayed feel safe again, if they’re not doing that they’re just not reconciliation material.

I do completely understand how you believed he was just not the type. I have followed countless stories and have first hand experience and they are never ‘the type’, often great family men, kind partners and you just don’t see it coming.

You may find that you shifting the dynamic makes your husband wake up to the fact you will walk. That can change things. I’m not saying it’s perfect but it’s often when you’re ready to give up that they step up it’s just sad that for many betrayed that happens WAY too late!

Good luck moving forward and well done for doing the right thing for you. That man would have only brought more trouble into an already troubling situation.

You are the prize here don’t settle for scraps!

I think ops latest update (which isn't in purple because of username change) is the most sensible way forward.

The best revenge is often the least satisfying, rather than stooping to the same level as them.

When my ex cheated by sexting people online and lying to me about it (we'd just moved into together and he had a history of this) he shouted at me when I brought it up, he was never a safe person to be around and to be with, I felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder all the time. When he saw me texting a male friend (literally nothing sexual or flirtatious WHATSOEVER) he made out that I was "just as bad" and used it against me to make his own indiscretions look like he had just done the same as me. He hadn't, he was sending pictures of his dk to people and telling them what he wanted to do to them so I hardly think so.

Ops husband isn't doing the work necessary to fix the marriage, or his own weaknesses, he's not even self reflecting on what he's done and the devastation he's caused so as a result it's highly doubtful anything would change long term. It certainly didn't in my case, they don't change, they just hide it better and become more abusive when you call them out for things they basically are not willing to change.