Affair revenge

[PrincessLeia2]

My husband of 17 yrs had an affair last year. I still haven’t got to the bottom of what really went on. Messages were deleted and there was literally nothing for me to see other than a message from him to her saying ‘I love you’.
Affair lasted 2 months according to him. He lied and lied and I was forced to ring the ow to find out the truth. She turned out to be vile and dropped hints there was more but wouldn’t tell me. Long Story short- he didn’t want to leave me. I took him back. He’s had no contact with her and she lives a few hours from us.
its almost a year on from my discovery.
in the weeks after that my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I wake up every day wanting to die but I keep going for my wonderful teenage children.
We had counselling but I didn’t get on with it. He says it was a sexual thing and it is now over. Our sex life had been non existent and now it is much better.
however.. I haven’t forgiven him. I love him but I also despise him. Every time we have sex I think of him doing it with her and it spoils it for me.
I have met someone online and he is in the same boat as me- his wife cheated but they are still together. He wants us to have sex. We get on brilliantly. We’ve spoken on the phone and FaceTimed. We’ve met up for coffee twice. We have loads in common. He is everything my husband is not. He says that he would never ever cheat but his wife’s infidelity means that he no longer cares about being loyal to her.
I feel the same way about my husband, but I’m conflicted. Aren’t I just stooping to his level if I go through with it?

You need to leave first

Why can't you leave him?

He says that he would never ever cheat but his wife’s infidelity means that he no longer cares about being loyal to her.

Bollocks

If this was your teen asking for relationship advice what would you tell them?

This won't make you feel better. It will make you feel wretched.

I suspect you will be much happier if you leave, but only you know the answer to that.

I presume your teens are unaware of the details, but they will not be oblivious to the conflict between their parents.

Also this.

I personally don’t think revenge cheating will give you what you want and you’ll probably feel worse once the reality hits.

However if you do decide to cheat back, don’t do it with this guy as you’re putting his wife in your shoes of feeling like fucking shit. Find a single guy if you really want a no strings sex not an attached one.

I would think very very carefully though

It is ALWAYS possible to leave.

In this day and age I cannot think of any reason why you can’t leave? People leave abusive relationships, people leave when they have little capital of their own, people leave with babies, young children, old children etc. you absolutely can leave if that’s what you want to do.

If you have a revenge affair you are perpetuating this toxic marriage. Is this really the environment you want your kids growing up in?

@PrincessLeia2 You can leave him but your choosing not to.

Revenge sex isn't going to make your relationship better. It's not going to make your mental health better either.

It's not something I would do. You lose the moral high ground.

Why would you want to start what could be a brilliant relationship and fresh start for both of you by sleeping together when in a relationship with others. End your marriage and enjoy a new life with a man who hasn't cheated

That’s conflicted with the op. You say you took him back which means you left a year ago. Did you take him back or did it never end?

if you won’t or can’t leave, and don’t wish to be with him and want to cheat, that’s fine, but them make this an open marriage and he can do the same.

I think you should do it. He had his just sex bit of fun, now it’s your turn to do the same. I hope it’s a lovely time!

You've seen a text where he told OW he loves her and yet he tells you it was 'just sex', meanwhile another married man says he'd 'never cheat', while asking you for sex...

People tell other people what they want to hear in order to get what they want.

If you have an affair it might give you some insight into how your husband felt, the excitement of illicit meet ups, the ease with which you can convince yourself what he doesn't know won't hurt, how it's possible to love and lust after someone outside your marriage.... But at what cost to your self esteem??

If you cheat I can guarantee he will tell your kids that the reason you split up was because you had an affair and will neglect to mention he did too.

Don't stoop to his level. It may make you feel better for a while but ultimately you'll still be stuck living with someone you hate. Just leave.

The best revenge is walking away and getting on with your life without them.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. It may be more relevant than you think e.g. doing something to make yourself feel alive and distract from her dying, or wanting to make sure your marriage ends because you feel you can't carry on with it once she's gone....all sorts of reasons.

I think that going ahead with a full on affair at the moment will only add to your pain in the long run.

OP seriously just a get a divorce already ffs. Your children are teens.

If you're asking this question you know already what the answer is, and surely there is also the argument of "well maybe your husband felt the same way". What's good for the goose isn't a particularly harmonious way of living if you want peace and tranquility in your life.

I've not read the whole thread yet but for me, once a husband has cheated, all bets are off and you absolutely can have sex with someone else yourself, without it compromising your morals or standards.
Your h has already broken the vows, and you don't owe him shit.
If this was me I'd shag the other fella (if you are certain what he says about his wife cheating first is true).Husband hasn't got a leg to stand on.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.

Well if you want to have sex with another man don't pick a married one FFS!

You KNOW that he's likely telling you a load of guff to get into your pants.

You KNOW how much betrayal hurts - don't inflict that on another woman! TBH if you go ahead you deserve misery. That'd be a really really shitty thing to do.

There are thousands of unattached men out there, you'll have no trouble getting one for a no strings shag.

Stop having sex with the man you despise. Get a divorce. Move on.

Can't believe the oh-so-moral crowd on here seriously advising a poster to essentially cannibalize an innocent third person in order to prop up a fucked-up marriage.

I agree. I’m pretty shocked that so many think it’s ok to be devastated by a partner cheating then to get revenge by being complicit in making another woman feel that same devastation.

If the other man's wife is a cheater too, then she's already trashed her own marriage.
I know most people believe this man is lying to the OP - he might be. But equally, his wife could be a cheater. All those husbands out there, shagging around, aren't all doing it with single women.

" He is everything my husband is not."

so they are both cheats. They are the same.

The pain you have currently - you are happy to help inflict that on someone else?

honestly? I’d just stoop. Get it out of my system. Feel the revenge and move on. You’ll get loads of replies about fixing the relationship, just as bad as he is etc but meh. I’d gladly scratch the itch. Your husband fucked so I wouldn’t give a fig about his feelings. I’m probably in the minority.

You and me both @Sausagesinthesky

But the OMs wife cheated. And if he’s lying that’s not the OPs problem.