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Original poster

Affair revenge

102 replies

PrincessLeia2 · 29/01/2024 15:53

My husband of 17 yrs had an affair last year. I still haven’t got to the bottom of what really went on. Messages were deleted and there was literally nothing for me to see other than a message from him to her saying ‘I love you’.
Affair lasted 2 months according to him. He lied and lied and I was forced to ring the ow to find out the truth. She turned out to be vile and dropped hints there was more but wouldn’t tell me. Long Story short- he didn’t want to leave me. I took him back. He’s had no contact with her and she lives a few hours from us.
its almost a year on from my discovery.
in the weeks after that my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I wake up every day wanting to die but I keep going for my wonderful teenage children.
We had counselling but I didn’t get on with it. He says it was a sexual thing and it is now over. Our sex life had been non existent and now it is much better.
however.. I haven’t forgiven him. I love him but I also despise him. Every time we have sex I think of him doing it with her and it spoils it for me.
I have met someone online and he is in the same boat as me- his wife cheated but they are still together. He wants us to have sex. We get on brilliantly. We’ve spoken on the phone and FaceTimed. We’ve met up for coffee twice. We have loads in common. He is everything my husband is not. He says that he would never ever cheat but his wife’s infidelity means that he no longer cares about being loyal to her.
I feel the same way about my husband, but I’m conflicted. Aren’t I just stooping to his level if I go through with it?

OP posts:
Usernamechange1234 · 29/01/2024 18:05

You're WAY too vulnerable for a revenge affair.

Affairs pass pain on and somewhere someone WILL get hurt (often the children caught in the aftermath).

I’m also entirely unconvinced by the ‘cheating wife’ story.

Block and delete this man and divorce your husband who incidentally has done ZERO work if he’s still bleating the ‘sex’ as a reason for his affair so is still highly unsafe as a partner for you.

Come on you deserve better than your lazy husband who expects your forgiveness and a man who ‘would never cheat but…’

MissHarrietBede · 29/01/2024 18:13

Come on, you know that men you meet online lie to get sex.

Jook · 29/01/2024 18:44

It won’t fix the problem. You’ll still imagine him sticking his didgeridoo into her didgeridon’t every time you have sex. Only you’ll be carrying guilt as well.

I think it’s done, but at least you gave it a try to see if it would work out.

Coconutter24 · 29/01/2024 19:16

Just leave your husband! You despise him and haven’t forgiven him. Leave and move on, why start cheating yourself? It’s never the right answer

Original poster
PrincessLeia2 · 29/01/2024 19:32

For various reasons I can’t leave him.

OP posts:
FacingDivorceButSad · 29/01/2024 20:47

The man you are talking to is no doubt spinning the same bullshit your husband did to their op. He is saying relatable things to create an emotional bond which will make it more likely you will cheat. DO NOT DO IT. You cannot have the moral high ground if you do. Get therapy and stop talking to this man. Once you are healed you can reconcile or divorce

jhy · 29/01/2024 21:04

Says he would not cheat but asking you to have sex? 😐
Ultimately I think you need to make a choice here. It sounds like you can't forgive your H (I wouldn't either) life's short, it's never too late to be happy!

5128gap · 29/01/2024 21:46

I think you need to think about you, and what you want in your own life, rather than basing your actions on your H. You should only have sex with someone because you think it will make you happy, not because you think someone else would be hurt by it. For one thing, you're presumably not going to tell your H anyway, so there will be no 'revenge'.
For what it's worth, the online guy sounds like another wrong 'un to me, spinning you a story for sex, and I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.
The best thing you could do is leave your H and take some time to heal. Staying with him in hatred will make you so miserable, and your life could be so much better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2024 21:55

You can leave him.

Opentooffers · 29/01/2024 22:04

I'm not gonna lie, if I was in the same boat, I would not think twice about having a fling - why not, and even if he found out, so what? You don't win prizes for being loyal in return here. But, it wouldn't be for revenge, more to do with having my bit of fun with someone who doesn't creat images of a past infidelity for a change.
I'd go into it with my eyes wide open though, and with an expectation that he's probably spinning lines and fake empathy. It's classic for any married man to make an excuse up that could garner sympathy, and with your history, he doesn't even need to think much, just mirror your situation.
So, if you don't care about OM's reasons, are fine with possible BS on his side, and don't think it will make things worse between you and your DH. What's to lose? Just be careful and take precautions.

OzempicFaceJLoBum · 30/01/2024 06:26

If rhe new guy is lying as i suspect he is you will be party to destroying another woman's life.

OzempicFaceJLoBum · 30/01/2024 06:29

And things come out, one drink too many, an argument goes too far. Then the children hear about it.
Your children could discover your affair and then what. It's not a revenge because revenge implies you triumph over someone, you can't triumph over a man who already doesn't care about you, he is only sad he got caught and might lose out financiallt and the hassle of moving home and separation in general. If he cared about your feelings he wouldn't have cheated, he cheated because he likes his home comforts too much to separate.

Usernamechange1234 · 30/01/2024 06:32

PrincessLeia2 · 29/01/2024 19:32

For various reasons I can’t leave him.

it’s not can’t it’s won’t.

I don’t think anyone’s advice here would change on this update. You don’t KNOW for an absolute fact that his wife has cheated on him, it is most likely a lie and the fact you didn’t even comment about people suggesting that to you makes me suspect you realise that.

Come on, face up, your husband used validation, attention and ego kibbles to self soothe something going on for him (whatever pathetic nonsense that was) don’t fall down the same rabbit hole.

You do deserve better.

WandaWonder · 30/01/2024 06:35

This is deliberately harsh for goodness sakes keep some self respect and leave your husband first

Even then does it really sound healthy?

Franticbutterfly · 30/01/2024 06:38

I could've written your post regarding your husbands affair as I'm going through the same thing now, we've even been together the same amount of time as you. But, I think that if you do this you'll be swapping 1 problem for many more. I get that you want to experience some of what he did, the butterflies of novelty etc, but you also need to be able to look yourself in the mirror and you might lose the ability to do that. You don't truly know what it's like to live without integrity (like your DH does), don't change who you are because of something he did.

Musntapplecrumble · 30/01/2024 06:42

pickledandpuzzled · 29/01/2024 16:05

Don’t fall for the tales the other chap is spinning either. Stay or go. Don’t muck about.

it’s not unreasonable to be struggling with it, it will take a while for you to trust him, forgive him, and forget. It needs time and distance.

👏

Usernamechange1234 · 30/01/2024 06:43

@PrincessLeia2 after blocking and deleting this potential sleaze ball, I would get myself on surviving infidelity and read about what reconciliation and remorse truly looks like because your husband is falling woefully short and failing to help you heal. It will help you understand why you’re not moving forward together. That might help you see how pointless it is even trying to hold onto this marriage.

Elektra1 · 30/01/2024 06:43

Ask yourself how you'd feel if DH found out about your affair, your marriage ended, and the story he tells your DC is that it was because of YOUR affair. You'd then feel tempted to try to set them straight with "but he did it first". Is that what you want for your DC, to be stuck in the middle of their unfaithful parents each blaming the other for their affairs?

End your marriage now with dignity. Then find someone new (who isn't married). It is painful and hard but that is the only way to come away from it with a clear conscience and your relationships with your DC intact.

ArnieLinson · 30/01/2024 06:46

If you cannot leave your husband, presumably that means you dont have the means to live independently, is it sensible to risk him leaving you? If he found out and left you, would you manage? And if so, then you can leave your husband.

I have met someone online and he is in the same boat as me- his wife cheated but they are still together.
How do you know this is true? He could target hurt womena nd say what they want to hear.

He wants us to have sex.
of course he does. Youve mer twice. He wants to have sex. This is not a good man.

SamW98 · 30/01/2024 07:46

You feel like absolute shit because of your husbands infidelity and you say feel like you want to die but you are considering making another woman feel exactly the same way? Is that really what you want? To be complicit in ruining another woman’s life?

SortingItOut · 30/01/2024 07:58

If you truly can't leave your husband...which I very much doubt unless you live in a country where women are 2nd class citizens....then why not ask for an open marriage?

Bin off the man you're having an emotional affair with and go with someone single.

Having validation from a man after what your husband did does make you feel good but you should give yourself validation and not rely on a man to give it.

HollyKnight · 30/01/2024 09:51

Regardless of what this man's wife has done to him, she has done nothing to you. So if you go ahead with this, it will make you no better than the nasty woman your own husband slept with. She had her own agendy too after all. There is no way you can come out of this looking well. You'll lose any moral high ground as a victim by becoming a perpetrator.

Hellsmells · 30/01/2024 10:06

As other people have said (morals aside, but just don't cheat when you know how much it hurts - I'd not be able to believe he wasnt thinking of the other woman either and it would pull me apart) you will just validate his behaviour. Open the marriage if you need to, but recognise that this is your life going forward.

larkstar · 30/01/2024 10:13

There’s a fair chance that all that’s happening here is that you’ve revealed your “buttons” to your OLD and he’s just pressing them.

Firstpost666 · 30/01/2024 11:43

Go for it