Affair revenge

[PrincessLeia2]

My husband of 17 yrs had an affair last year. I still haven’t got to the bottom of what really went on. Messages were deleted and there was literally nothing for me to see other than a message from him to her saying ‘I love you’.
Affair lasted 2 months according to him. He lied and lied and I was forced to ring the ow to find out the truth. She turned out to be vile and dropped hints there was more but wouldn’t tell me. Long Story short- he didn’t want to leave me. I took him back. He’s had no contact with her and she lives a few hours from us.
its almost a year on from my discovery.
in the weeks after that my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I wake up every day wanting to die but I keep going for my wonderful teenage children.
We had counselling but I didn’t get on with it. He says it was a sexual thing and it is now over. Our sex life had been non existent and now it is much better.
however.. I haven’t forgiven him. I love him but I also despise him. Every time we have sex I think of him doing it with her and it spoils it for me.
I have met someone online and he is in the same boat as me- his wife cheated but they are still together. He wants us to have sex. We get on brilliantly. We’ve spoken on the phone and FaceTimed. We’ve met up for coffee twice. We have loads in common. He is everything my husband is not. He says that he would never ever cheat but his wife’s infidelity means that he no longer cares about being loyal to her.
I feel the same way about my husband, but I’m conflicted. Aren’t I just stooping to his level if I go through with it?

If you do that your marriage will be over and it could cause you lots of problems and drama that you don't need. He's a piece of crap for cheating on you but you're so much better than him. Either you love him more than you despise him and you're willing to make your marriage work, or you despise him more than you love him and you want to leave him.

I absolutely get why this is thrilling/exciting and I think I’d be tempted too - however I also think it is just a distraction from the mess of your marriage and the pain of your Mum’s diagnosis - a distraction that has the potential to go wrong on so many counts.

Also, don’t feel pressure to have sex unless you really want to - maybe this relationship simply met a need for a bit of attention - a nice flirtation when you were feeling low. You can leave it there if you want to.

I have a friend who has been in a miserable, abusive marriage for nearly 20 years - she has had 2 affair partners in that time - they are just diversions and whilst she constantly thinks about leaving her marriage, she never does. She always seems tormented and miserable and like a broken record when I meet her. To be honest she’s a shell of the vibrant woman she used to be - don’t let this be you OP. Focus on what you really need to be happy in life and make some plans to get there.

Mr online Cheaty may also be spinning you a yarn. His tale of woe is a common one to elicit sympathy and get laid. It’s a boring tale as old as time.

You need to cut him off and block him.

Your marriage - it is possible to reconcile but your husband isn’t currently reconciliation material. Most cheaters aren’t. Unless he does the work and works out his reasons for allowing himself to lose his integrity, honesty and self worth he won’t be a safe partner. At the moment he is still trying to control his world by not telling you the truth and allowing you to have agency and make an informed decision as to whether he is worth sharing a life with. This is common and often results in Trickle Truth. Trickle truth is more likely to kill off the marriage. He is currently in regret not remorse. You are in false reconciliation.

Your focus should be on recovery and although mr cheaty online may fill your kibble jar and make you feel like you got one over on your husband he will not do you any good in the long term. I would block him now. Throwing a grenade onto the ashes of your house is t going to help anyone.

Try how to help my spouse recover from my affair. If you don’t want to reconcile try ‘cheating in a nutshell’ (anyone reading this who is trying to reconcile and is still struggling you may want to avoid this now/forever).

But don’t lose your own integrity for your pathetic husband. Your integrity, honesty and self worth is YOURS. Your values should matter to you. You may find your self esteem is suffering anyway, cheating is very likely to make this worse. So block him.

Have you had counselling? Have you been on surviving infidelity forum? Google the term Mad Hatter and look for the mad hatters threads - that is when both people cheat. Read about others experiences online.

Why can’t you leave? Can we help you with a plan?

Really,? As she’s said, she can’t leave. She’s not said he can’t. And yes it is plausible if she does, he will find out and he will leave. Generally when someone says they can’t leave it’s about money. They don’t have it.the other person does.

He says that he would never ever cheat but his wife’s infidelity means that he no longer cares about being loyal to her.

So he would never ever cheat... So long as he doesn't want to cheat?

It doesn't matter that she's cheated on him in the past. If he's agreed to move past it and then cheats he is just equally as bad as when she did it the first time. Sounds like a cowardly way to end a relationship or maybe a way to inflict hurt.

You should both just leave your relationships.

We had counselling but I didn’t get on with it

@PrincessLeia2 What was the issue with the counselling?

Having an affair won't give you what you desire. I've been in your shoes. You need therapy, and lots of it. You also need to leave. The marriage is over. If this is not possible then having an affair, emotional (which you are teetering on the edge of) or physical, won't help. Building yourself up will though. Knowing you are better than this and you can do this - that will help.

The one thing that would stop me would be the other wife. I wouldn't want to screw over another woman just cos I'd been screwed over.

If it was a single guy who didn't want more from me, I'd do it.

I think the only way my relationship would have a chance of moving forward after the betrayal of an affair would be to start again on even footing.

OP I could have written your post and posted very similar recently.
my husband had an affair, I found out and tried hard to rebuild the relationship but couldn’t. He had another affair recently and it absolutely crushed me again. But before that I despised him being near me, couldn’t look at him without thinking of the other woman. I confronted him a few weeks ago and he’s now moved out.
I was so scared to lose my house, my children and all the lovely things I’ve worked so hard for. But actually I’m okay, the children are happier and I’m more present as a mother.
I was talking to an old flame who just made me feel amazing at the end of my marriage. I didn’t sleep with him but I desperately wanted to to get revenge. But I’m so glad I didn’t because I have come out of this relationship as the victor. People know what he has done and he has lost me and the children (he isn’t bothered about contact.) find a way and end your marriage, I promise you will feel free and you will be so much happier in the long run. You cannot spend the rest of your life with this hanging over you and making you feel like you’re not enough.
Good luck xx

Leave your husband and focus on yourself, your kids and grieving your mum. So sorry OP.

Slight change of username.
but I am the OP.
some good advice here. I’ve known it was over since the day I found out. I haven’t wanted to admit it to myself.
Several of you put into words what I was thinking deep down: he should be jumping through hoops and putting huge amounts of effort in to make me feel loved and wanted and respected. He is the cheater, not me. He hasn’t made any effort. Buying flowers now and then doesn’t really cut it when you’ve been shagging some slapper for several months.
He is very keen to have sex with me and I now feel like if I don’t, he might cheat again. I don’t want to live like that.
He also shouts if I ask him details of what happened- like it’s my fault! If he had been open and honest from the beginning, we might have had more of a chance but I had to piece it together myself and I had to speak to this piece of trash OW because he was too cowardly to tell me. Consequently I still can’t move on because I know there is more. I actually think he met her online rather than on a work trip. They both told me she had a partner too- then later it transpired that she was single. Very weird.
I do believe that online man is telling the truth about his cheating wife- he volunteered this info before knowing my situation. However, I don’t want to wade in someone else’s shit- I have enough of my own. I told him that it would be better not to speak anymore and he understood. Said he is here for me as a friend if I want to discuss. I said best not.
I set up a call today with a lawyer to look at best options. I don’t want to upset the children anymore as they are doing exams this year but I do want to explore options.
I really do deserve better. I still believe in love and I enjoy being married. I just can’t believe this has happened to our family. I really did think he was a truly good man. I felt so proud of our long marriage. I will never get over the deception. Someone else on here described the pain as being all encompassing- it really is.

The only way to get past an affair is when the person who cheated takes full responsibility for what they've done, is truly genuinely sorry and does absolutely everything they can to repair the relationship. There has to be full disclosure and a willingness to answer whatever questions you have.
Without that, a relationship is dead in the water. Sounds like your husband just wants everything to go back to normal and him not to have to do anything to put this right.
You can't live your life thinking that of you don't sleep with him, he'll cheat again, so I think you are right to see a solicitor and put an end to it.
It's okay to do everything on your timetable, not his. He is the last one whose needs and preferences should be considered, so you can time things around your children's exams. But it's good to get the legal info and make a plan.

I probably would, because I would have to level up the score and not feel like the under dog.

Those were my initial thoughts too. But I now think best to wait and do things properly. I couldn’t face my children if I behaved like him. Our daughter hates him and has been badly damaged by this. Breaks my heart to see it as she was always a Daddy’s girl. Cheaters just don’t think about anything other than their dicks.

Yes that’s it exactly. He is annoyed that I can’t go back to normal.

If you care about your partner so little to be considering cheating on them, you shouldn't still be in a relationship with them. Just wasting your own time being together. You have one life, live it. Leave the cheating bastard and sleep with whoever you want to (but because you actually want to, not as some petty revenge fuck), guilt free.

I think you’d regret it. If it’s not in your nature to cheat and your dh cheating means you despise him then that’s how he’ll feel about you, even though he did it first. It may feel exciting in the moment to be chatting with a man who is fresh, new and exciting but he is not single. He plans to cheat on his wife. if you can’t bear to look at your husband or always think about him
with the ow then I’d say maybe you need to separate . Life is too short and there are men out there who will put you first and not hurt you.

It isn’t revenge though is it, it’s justifying doing something you know you shouldn’t, exactly what your H did when he cheated on you. Two wrongs and all that.

Go shag the new dude!

This. A friend of mine said it's like a favorite dress. The first time it tears you repair it then it tears again and you repair it. Soon enough you don't see the favorite dress you see all the damage. Leave. Get your self worth back.

Hi Op,

I have been in this exact same boat. It took me 4 years though, to start wondering about seeing another man. Not to even up the score, more that I felt that the marriage was broken, so why not.

In my experience, all of the men on those websites will profess that they are in the same boat as you, but 99% of them are absolute players, who will actively seek out women who are emotionally vulnerable, in order to have sex.

I did actually go through with it, with more than one man. Emotionally, it didn't do me too much good in the long run, as I realised I was being played, but at the time I found it very exciting.

I left my H in the end, and am now very happily married to my 2nd husband.

So, I think in summary, I would say : be aware that this man is probably just saying what you want to hear, to get his end away. You won't end up with him, but he could be the catalyst required for change.

You say you can't leave your DH, so I wonder whether there would be any merit in telling him the truth? That you can't get past this infidelity, and won't, unless you also fuck someone else. He might not like it, but what can he say? Even if you don't go through with it, I think it would do him good to wonder what you're up to, when you're on a night out without him.

I wonder if your man friend would still be so keen if you divorced?

Damage your reputation, are we back in 1920?

A man who was cheated on wouldn’t want to date you? Give over, many many people cheat and they always find new partners.

a new love interests family would never know if I had cheated or not as it’s none of their business and they would be told so.

People will want to avoid you if you have cheated? Fuck me, you should write fairy tales with that imagination of yours. People could actually be sympathetic as her husband cheated first.

stop spouting shit and before you go there, I haven’t cheated on anyone.

OP, leave, this is messing with your mental health, leave him

It won't make you feel any better, at all.

The OM is probably spinning you a line

Leave. You won't get over this. I don't hold with the idea that all cheats are terrible people. I think life's not that black and white, good people make bad decisions, but you'll be wondering forever and any real intimacy is broken.

Just get divorced ! Why are people so low and dirty doing this ? Why stay with him if you clearly despise him and why become what he is and make your marriage even worse than already is . Just get a divorce

Your online guy has identified that you're vulnerable and saying what it takes to get you to sleep with him. I really don't think you would feel better afterwards.