Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

Throw him out and do not have him back under any circumstances, he will try to lie and cheat his way back if things don't work out.
Concentrate on being the best mum you can and forget about him.
Has he any parents to go and live with ?

Apply for universal credit today as a single person, with two children and living in the same house as your partner until you sell.
Get all your ducks in a row, you and your children are better off without him. X

Good luck OP! You sound like you are definitely finding your anger. It's overwhelming but from now on it's a clean slate, he is nowhere on your list of priorities.

Other pp have given great advice, but just to mention if you do go for Spousal Maintenance it's counted as income for UC whereas child maintenance isn't. And it may only last for a short period of time. My exH is a high earner but my solicitor pointed out I'd be entitled to more UC if I didn't go for SM which a judge could say should end after 2/3 whatever years, whereas UC will continue til the dc are grown. My eldest also gets DLA and you get a bit extra of UC as a carer plus you don't have work UC commitments as a carer. If you haven't, check the benefits calculator on entitledto - it was very accurate for me and turned out I was actually better off as a lone parent to my disabled DC than I ever was with my financially controlling ex! Also there may be able to be a stipulation that you may keep the house until dc are X age, particularly if it's been adapted to your child's needs, your solicitor should be able to guide you there.

Stay strong x

Op
i know you said you don’t want to tell Affair husband, but how would you feel if shoe was on the other foot ?
people knowing (and some will) that your husband messing around and you still live together, straight away they will think
“ what the fuck “ he’s having his cake and eating it and poor wife doesn’t know “

Being dignified won’t make you the better woman , I’m surprised your angry hasn’t pushed you to tell other women husbands as he’s the one in the dark about all this they have caused.
You don’t have to tell OW husband, you say to him. (Husband)
if she or you don’t bring it to light about your sordid affair they you will , you both have 24 hrs

Gone on website Turn2us. This will give you an idea of what you’ll be entitled to. Just idea it’s doesn’t have to go through till your ready.
You need to get your finances in order,
salary, benefits, child allowance,
child maintenance (sure there must be a calculator for this somewhere online cms website?)
You might be surprised how much it is

please don’t be doing his shit
cooking
ironing
washing
He chose her(cheeky fucker)
Reason he’s home late is because of her
drinks, coffee , even daytime hotel room (as where else would they have sex)

So your at home, running the house
and He’s out having an affair with OW
who he loves so much more than he EVER did you . My blood boils for you how dare he

your priority is YOU & dc 100% future
Tell him he has to leave, you can’t look at him no longer. ( problem is his now, pity he didn’t think where he was going to stay when it all came out)
You must be walking on eggshells with him there, playing his stupid games.

Only thing he did was take other child out over weekend
Everything was you anyway , so it won’t be any different living on your own

Don't be hard on yourself you've had a huge shock and you're in 'freeze' mode.
I'm sorry this has happened I've been there but not with a disabled child. My friends father did this with the nanny when they were little (and one child also disabled) and their mother went on to re marry the most wonderful man who has been a brilliant husband to her into older age. Just sharing so you know there is love light and good times ahead xxx

This !

Wait untill his bag is packed and he is on his way to a hotel for the night thinking she will be getting away ,, then bang bring their world down by telling her husband .

Don't be trying to play fair. You'll regret it later when he's sipping cocktails in Barbados and jazzing around in his ferrari whilst you scrimp for a week in Scarborough and hope your fiesta doesn't give up the ghost.
Start the financial info gathering undercover NOW. Try to find copies of everything: his wage slips, p60s, evidence of bonus, account info, insurances, loans, credit cards, savings, policies shares etc
Find out what you would be earning bow had you continued on the same trajectory before kids.
You can barter for pension and house equity etc.
Make sure you have all the kids and your passports.
Personally I'd also be secretly selling assets you dont need for untraceable cash: sound systems, old mobiles, gaming stuff, bbq, electronics, bikes, watches - stuff you don't need or want.
Squirrel away money where you can. Make sure you have a personal bank account. Personally I'd be giving as much as I can to my (trusted!) mum/sister to look after.
You got this.

Be careful if you tell the husband, he could tell the company that they both work for…

Maybe you could have some counselling (possibly through your employer) to offload, process your feelings and decide what you want to do.

Thankfully all our finances have always been separate he’s always refused to have a joint account. Any credit cards he has will be in his name. I have no debt. All we have together is the mortgage.

Zero savings between us. He always refused to save.

And that was my thoughts re the husband … if he is explosive - as my husband seems to imply, he could be quite reactive. And for the time being I want my husband working. If I have no benefits to his income in the long then I may reconsider!

It sounds to me as if he is hoping that his GF is going to change her mind and set up shop with him. There is also the fact that he is grieving the loss of his relationship with her. TBH with you I would say he needs to go and stay away as he is definitely not on your team. It is very daunting to go for a divorce but you deserve better than this mealy mouthed self pitying prick.

How do you know what savings he has or doesn't have..?

Ah, the OW's husband is 'explosive'. Aren't they always? So be a good girl and don't tell a soul I've been shagging about and aren't the lovely husband I seem - that's what he's really saying. And isn't it lovely he's primarily concerned for the OW's safety, rather than your peace of mind?

OP - affairs thrive on secrecy, so please burst their bubble and heap some shame on him. Tell the OW's husband, tell your mum and tell your mates. Also tell his friends and parents you're splitting up and why, if you can - although they'll probably side with your husband, it'll make him see you mean business and make him realise he isn't a doomed hero / lover and just a grubby little man.

Well done on booking an estate agent and solicitor and stopping his creature comforts. He needs to know actions have consequences and losing you, your family and your support is a BIG THING (and he's responsible).

Because I know he spends every penny he earns… always has! Has never had savings hasn’t got that mind set.

For the love of god OP tell him to fuck right off, tell him he doesnt need time to think about things because you already decided you dont want to be with a lying cheating wanker! He doesnt even want you he wants her and would literally be with her right now if he left her husband!!! Take a deep breath and put the big girl pants on and do what you need to do! Theres no easy way to deal with this it just needs to be quick and to the point and over because every day your sticking by him and hoping it will work out your self worth and respect is being chipped away at. Its gonna fucking hurt but hes betrayed you and clearly told you its her he wants. Please do not let this continue another day. Take back your power!

You can check online how much help you can get if you split, especially important with a special needs child you are caring for.

he’s her boss
For this you have him over a barrel. I get you need him working and he needs his job for a)the salary and b) to maintain contact with OW.

Never mind what he wants to do. He wants to disappear into the sunset with OW but she won't leave her husband so he is now in limbo and not exactly hiding it and is moping about sp you feel bad which is just unforgivable.

So forget about what your needs are and start thinking about what you are entitled to. Get a solicitor on board to give you what a game plan and exit strategy would look like.

Sorry for what you are going through-men can be truly pathetic at times. He has broken the relationship, not you so don't let him forget it.

Tell your mum
and book an STD appointment

Confide in the people closest to you. You do need a support network around you now. I'm sorry this has happened to you but, as others have posted, he is using you. The grass is always greener on the other side because it is spread with bullshit. One day, he will realise what he had and regret it. Stand strong and don't fall for what he might say to you to change your mind. He has had an affair, betrayed your trust. There is no going back from that, you won't ever fully trust him. Good luck and sending big hugs 😊

My exH is a high earner but my solicitor pointed out I'd be entitled to more UC if I didn't go for SM which a judge could say should end after 2/3 whatever years, whereas UC will continue til the dc are grown.

If your circumstances change, such as income falling, you update your UC claim to reflect that.

If the OW's husband is violent, OW should leave him for her own safety whether she is having an affair or not.

It's not your responsibility to manage OW's H's anger. You certainly shouldn't deprive yourself of support to do so.

What's happens if she leaves her husband? He lives her more than you, he's actually telling you that, so he will leave...
You'll basically be waiting for that to happen.
He isn't showing remorse or regret, which surely is the only situation you could forgive him?

‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’

It's astonishing, astonishing I tell you, how many men find that their One and Only True Love just happens to be their workplace junior. I mean, what are the odds?

That made me lol and snort out my cuppa 😂😂