Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

The same thing happened to me. Then he had a stroke and can speak anymore. I am his unpaid carer and I am totALLY FED UP OF IT..

People saying you should kick him out and leave yourself sole carer of a disabled child. No. That is exactly what he wants.

He is staying to face up to his responsibilities the same as you have to. Fucking men.

No matter what happens, the relationship is over. You just need to go through the painful process of realising that. For some people this can take years and they stay in a very miserable situation. The sooner you accept it, easier it will be for you and your children. Never mind what he wants, that's irrelevant to you now. Just get good legal and financial advice and drive the split.

Be prepared for tears - from him - once he realises you're going through with it. Suddenly his comfortable life will seem much more important to him. Unfortunately for him, what he wants is no longer important to you.

You can do this and when you come out the other side you will be glad you did.

Have only read your posts OP.

Just want to say, I am sure the OW’s most attractive quality is a willingness to participate in a fantasy world where there are no responsibilities.

Apart from that she is betraying her husband, deceiving her employer and relying on you to provide childcare so your husband is free for a shag. Ugggh. She sounds awful.

"People saying you should kick him out and leave yourself sole carer of a disabled child. No. That is exactly what he wants."

Its not a case of leaving OP as the sole carer of their children. Once men get to this stage (affair and no remorse at all) then the contributory factors are fairly irrelevant.
He is not penitent and probably never will be. He is already long checked out and probably wants OP to kick him out anyway. Whatever the reason (disabled child, OP did not have sex with him enough, he decided his life at work was way way easier than his life at home etc etc) does not matter. The kick him out thing is not a thing in an it-might-make-him-change-his-mind philosophy.

Nope. The only thing which might keep him at home with the OP is if the affair partner continues to refuse to leave her spouse or ends it (temporarily or permanently). And even then he will probably have an affair with someone else eventually.

This type of thing is definitely a pattern.

My goodness OP, I’m full of admiration for the way you are beginning to process all this so quickly and realise you will be better off alone. To my mind that constitutes being half way there already.

I agree, don’t tell his work, don’t tell the OW partner. He’s probably hoping you will tell her partner so that he can kick her out then they can ride off into the sunset. And he will use it an excuse to blame you. Give him no such weapon.
What an idiot he is. He will regret it.

You have organised legal advice and you have contacted an estate agent so that’s not paralysis, that’s already very practical and on the ball.

Your biggest concern now is that once he knows you are serious about divorce, he will beg you not to, say he’s sorry, wants to try again, had a moment of madness etc etc

But he’s not saying that now is he, quite the opposite so don’t believe him. It’s such a massive betrayal and you can never trust him again and he’s not so good at a difficult family life with a disabled child so the marriage is over really. You can manage much better without having to worry about him.

If you can, I would quietly wait until you’ve seen a lawyer next week.
Don’t tell him yet, in fact if he won’t talk, I’d not bother with him at all. Let him stew and wallow in his own misery.

And then when you feel more confident about what you might be able to legally afford, tell your mum and best friend your intended plan of action. They will be so proud of you for your no-nonsense approach to his infidelity, emotional cruelty, and his weakness and stupidity. Their support will be invaluable as it all pans out.

Stay focussed on yourself and the children OP …and good luck !

Op I've been through similar. Not exactly the same, he said he didn't love OW, however, there were multiple OW and one was my best friend. It's shit.

I wanted to post on a practical note what you are entitled to :

Possibly more than 50% of the equity. Because you took a backseat career wise and he didn't, you can seek Economic Recompense for this, giving you a larger share of the equity/assets.

Anything he acquired during the marriage, such as shares, you can take half of.

If he has a more expensive car than you, this needs to be take in to account as well, when equity is being divided.

Re the Pension - you ABSOLUTELY can go for half of his pension, and he can go for half of yours. If his is larger (which t will be), you add the two together and divide by two. And you CAN seek this discrepancy in cash from the equity pot, because I did this.

You will have one shot at getting the most money you can : don't go easy on him. Remember he will continue earning 100k, and you won't!

File for Child maintenance now, because it cannot be backdated. My ExH was a dick about sending me money - a form of control - especially once I got together with my now DH.

Personally, I wouldn't tell work - if he lost his job, you lose child maintenance. My ExH attacked me when I was about to leave him - I didn't report it for this very reason.

In all the cases where I've seen this play out, amongst friends etc, the husbands have come crawling back asking for a second chance, once they realise they've made a mistake. Only one friend actually took him back - they seem to be happy. The rest of us moved on and all married again and are very happy. This is a horrible time for you, but I promise things will get better. I bet if you really think about it your husband has many faults that you've been overlooking, as this really knocks the blinkers off. That was the case for me and my friends anyway. I am now forever grateful that he did what he did - it was what moved me along to DH. I honestly wouldn't piss on ExH if he was on fire.

Good luck. You've got this.

Oh and yes, I'd tell ow husband. I'd go to the house with proof. Why does she get away with it scot free? Nope!

You're trying to keep a family together that hasn't existed since he began the affair. You and your children deserve honesty and a peaceful healthy homelike. Not secrets and fear

Good advice from naysayers1 · Today 15:01

However be aware that the family courts in the UK like to ensure a clean break to allow men to go on and have future families so don't hold your hopes up too much. This is not publicised but it is true.

Judges (mostly middle aged white very wealthy male judges) like to see men get the opportunity to have future families with partner number 2, 3 etc so don't be surprised if you do not get what naysayers says.

There has also been quite a swing in judgements in the UK away from the wife/childrens best interests and in favour of the husband in recent years (last 10 years) so be mindful of that. Still try to get the most tho, it is true as naysayers says that you get one chance at this.

The reason your husband is so angry is because you are his cover story.

People he works with will suspect an affair but being married to you and staying married means the gossip is covert. the minute you leave him and people hear about this he knows all hell will break loose and he and the other woman will be fair game for open gossip and speculation.

He sounds like he checked out when your child was born. some people just cant handle disability because they have no flexibility, it wasnt in their plan and ultimately because they are actually just fucking selfish. One of my children has a disability, I have been around disabled children and their families for years and years and you see it all the time. one of the parents who is just so angry that this has happened to them and spoilt their plans.

This other woman is offering a different narrative and one nearer to the life perfection he has himself built up in his own mind.

In your position, I would be down at citizens advice going through all the benefit and support options. I would be contacting her husband because he deserves to know and I would definately be contacting his work. He has taken actions and at the moment is suffering none of the consequences but then he has form for this. he hasnt had to deal with any of the consequences of having a disabled child.

If you stay with him it will never be the same and will never be the relationship you want. you will never trust him again and be on edge every time he disappears off the radar for a few hours or hugs his phone or whatever. do you want the next 20, 30, 40 years to be like this?

This is totally your decision. He can think what he wants but he has wronged you can se what to do about it. Personally it would be over and I’d boot him out.

Believing in the sanctity of marriage only works when both spouses believe in it. He has defiled your marriage with this affair.

Get an STI test, don't let him into your bed again, and divorce him

You need to decide what you want to do. I'd leave and divorce him. He isn't interested in your marriage, has not apologised and wants to continue the affair. Tell him to leave and get yourself a solicitor.

Leave. I know that's easy for someone else to say, but honestly life's too short to spend it full of resentment - that ruins two lives, not just one.

He had the affair of his own choice, and the fact that he's now ill doesn't change that. It's sad that he had the stroke, but you can't spend the rest of your life feeling obliged to take care of someone. Whether someone else steps up or he has to go into a care home, whatever.

You’ve mentioned him not wanting to be with you and he is getting himself counselling. You also say you are being a walk over. I think you know what you need to do but don’t want to do it. In your position I would get myself counselling and make him stay elsewhere while you both think things through. After 10 weeks you are right to have hope but do you want to be second best?

This is going to cost him a LOT of money . I really hope she is worth it.

You have told us that you were on fairly equal pay before you sacrificed your career and earning potential to care for YOUR (HIS and your children) .

Everyone will have a different outcome from Divorce settlements. That is why no one can tell you 'what you will get' BUT there are some guiding principles.

1. Both parties need to be ' adequately housed' that doesn't necessarily mean they need to be able to buy a home - but they do need to be able to afford a home...

1. Children. You have a child with significant special needs . Is this something that will improve with age or are you looking at a future needing to care for him at an age when you could normally expect a degree of independence ? ie.. most parents can work full time without child care once kids get to secondary school. Will that be your expectation ? Or will it impact your ability to earn going forward ?

1. Pensions. I assume you also have one. ? However based on his earnings of 100k and yours of £30 k they BOTH go in the pot and are divided . (This is very simplistic explanation as some pensions have different advantages and benefits so it could be a more unequal split . Pensions are also a bargaining chip .. ie you get all equity for smaller portion of pension ..

There are SO MANY variable's . This is not HOW it will go. Just general principles.

Above ALL else the greatest determination will be upon child arrangements. How much will he have them. ? Expect dirty play here ... if I was his lawyer I would say I want them 50/50... which is obviously bollox . BUT be prepared for this preposterous line.. it's a starting point. You , me and the rest of the world know that it's completely unfeasible.. but his side will pretend that he wants this to negate his expense of maintaining you. Stand firm and gather evidence now of his lack of input .. EHCP, DLA etc etc (I bet you did all of that !)

Spousal Maintenance. Extremely unusual these days except in exceptional circumstances. It is worked out on your ability to provide AND your age AND your prospects of employment.. Will it be impacted by the continued care for your youngest ? If so then you MAY be in with a shout .

Focus your attention on all of the above . It will make the devastation of his betrayal a whole lot easier . !

Last but not least I want to tell you a story about my close friend who had something similar happen and did something ridiculous but wow I was so proud of her ..

The same scenario. Colleague from work. His 'soulmate' .. (difference is that she told husband and moved into a rental 'love nest' )

The next day my colleague pitched up at said LN with their 4 kids and said 'my mum has broken her leg and needs my help at home ... leaving kids with him with the words .. I am not the 'default parent you need to step up' .. she was away 3 weeks.. (FaceTime every night and popped back once a week for kids reassurance) .. the relationship fell apart and his soulmate decided that he was ok but couldn't cope with the kids .. blinder !!

She still divorced him for the betrayal but at least he learned how hard she had worked and is now a very supportive ex husband.

Spousal

I've only read your posts OP... and I know the thread has moved on. But I had to comment on what you said a few pages ago.

As I’ve said we’ve not had a proper relationship for years and I do take blame for that.

It really does take two to tango, maybe you could have done more but you were busy taking the career hit so you could look after the children of BOTH of you, which it seems you do the lions share of all of that. All his justifications are about himself and his new love. He wont discuss things and from what you've said hasn't really mentioned the children. And he hasn't, so far said anything in your favour that would persuade you to continue the relationship

If you can't face telling friends etc... and I do understand that having everyone else chipping in might actually be more distressing than helpful, then find someone in RL you can talk to like a counsellor.. its perfectly reasonable to do that. In fact, whilst you are doing your research and consideration - Ducks in a row and all that. its probably better to play your cards reasonably close to your chest for the moment and don't tell him anything about what you are doing until you are ready.

You are still in shock, but you've already arranged legal advice and are finding out about future income etc.. That's pretty good going so far.

Tough times, but you said that things are getting easier with your son and I think this man sounds like he's dragging you right down emotionally so it could be that you are now on the road to planning a better long term future for yourself.

What I was going to say.

excellent post /advice by canttellyouwhereorwhatido · Today 15:41 in my opinion

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well clearly you need to just fuck up both their careers!! but get your ducks in a row and get all paperwork sorted and money in your account. then see a solicitor!! he doesnt get to decide the outcome of this!!

If she leaves her husband tomorrow he'll be off like a shot. don't live your life being second best....take yourself out of the equation and kick the treacherous twat to the kerb.

Even if you want to stay with him, your first course of action should be to pack his bags and tell him it is over, you want a divorce. You are currently following the ‘pick me’ narrative, as others have said. This is never the way to go because even if he stays and his affair ends, he has kept the upper hand. His mindset will always be that he ‘chose’ to work on the marriage, you should be the one who’s grateful and it isn’t to be spoken of again. You need to be the one making the decisions and showing your strength. You have to be prepared to lose your relationship if you want to keep it. Whether to divorce or not (after his infidelity) is not a decision your husband should be making at his leisure.

Talk to your friends. It will be such a burden off you to share this in rl.

I never really get this 'take the high ground' thing.

Do what you want and need to do to get through this. Find your anger. Its honest and reasonable to show it. Be the one to stop this pretence.

Talk to your friends and your mum. Build a supportive team around you. If your friends are angry, channel that, ask them to help you find a really good solicitor - it could make a huge difference to the financial settlement you end up with. You started off level with him career wise, your career has suffered and his hasn't, because of your support for him. With a disabled child you could be looking at well over 50% of the house equity and possibly spousal support.

I am so sorry, it's horrible. But the practical steps you take now could make a difference to the outcome for you, and taking back control may help a little emotionally. He is an arse and you and your children deserve so much better