Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

OP is going to need maintainance, if she tells the mistress's husband, he will possibly/probably tell their employer and if the cheating rat loses his job - no maintainance

I really think you at least need to tell your family because they will see a difference in you and you need support right now. Tell a friend if you can too. I'd 100% tell the husband. He has a right to know in my opinion.
I'm so sorry your poor excuse for a husband is putting you through this

He’s stringing you along hoping she’ll leave her husband for him. It’s obvious. That’s why he’s reeling you in a bit.

leave with incredible dignity. You’ve got this.

Speak to your solicitor about pensions etc. things like mortgages, cars, pensions etc are marital assets and will be put in the pot. Debts are also put in the pot. The starting point is 50/50 but it's all dependant on needs etc.

Talk to your Mum OP you need her support.
Take your financial information with you to the solicitor, you would benefit from specific advice regarding any savings and pensions.
Id stop doing his washing making his meals etc. He actions have consequences

The man’s told you he doesn’t want to be with you. He’s not apologetic and literally isn’t even trying to amend things or make things work. He’s awful.

I can’t imagine how shocked you must be rn but don’t focus on forgiving him, he doesn’t want to be forgiven. Focus on the next steps which is getting him to leave. ‘For better, for worse’ also doesn’t mean that your cunt of a husband gets a free pass to have an affair and not even be sorry for it

I'd do the practical stuff with savings, copies of documents etc. Tell family and friends - you need the support and you've done nothing wrong.

Legal advice is important. It will help if you have a rough idea of what you want a future without him to look like - eg would staying in the family home and doing 90% of the care for your son be what you want? I could imagine feeling resentful if he goes off and you're left with little freedom, maybe split custody would be a better idea.

Sleeping with a junior colleague is such a twatty thing to do. Why can't these men discuss feelings, try to work things out, break up in a mature and sensible fashion if they can't find a way to feel better in the relationship? Nope, just shag your secretary and let that blow everything up...

And I would 100% not be making him his dinner, sharing a bed with him, doing his laundry etc. Fuck that!

Absolutely this. Yes it's hard but getting your self worth back will be priceless

I’d make sure you have your own separate bank accounts, change passwords etc . He pays his own direct debits .
I would also change your Will beneficiary . Have you sorted a disability trust for your disabled son ?

OP, I have never been where you are so cannot speak from a place of wisdom. All I can offer is sympathy and the external view that all of his talk of not knowing what he is doing yet doesn’t really matter. What are YOU doing? You are the main character in your life, not supporting cast in his. Do you want a husband who is treating you as second place? Is that what you want for your life? He hasn’t respected you, your children or your marriage and now has the audacity to not grovel and throw himself into getting your forgiveness and respect back. He’s made his choice and now you need to make yours. Best of luck and wishing you strength.

^ this.

What he's done is unforgiveable. Plus he spends every day with her.

Regardless of whether things work out the way he wants with the OW, you are going to come to the conclusion that your “Dear Husband” is not that, but a lying, spineless sack of shit who has behaved in a way that nobody could ever respect. Once you have been to the solicitors, start telling ALL your friends. Send an email to OW describing exactly what 50/50 care of your son would detail and let her know that she may have done you a favour by stepping up to give you a break from the useless DH and the permanent exhaustion you have had since your child was born. (I would also suggest that it is time for her to seek alternative employment just in case her own DH were to told and in case someone him sent copies of their messages, but I am spiteful.) See the solicitor ASAP and say nothing to him of your plans.

You do need to get rid OP. This isn't going to get any better.

If you stay he knows he can do what he wants and will behave with even more contempt towards you and that will not be good for your mental health.

I agree (sadly) it's better if his work don't know but he needs to move out and you need to see a solicitor.

Do tell people and get support.

Tell your mum Op

Can you be signed off work for a short period to give you some breathing space to start getting things sorted. Especially legal side. You are having to deal with so much. Talk to people in RL for some extra support.
His work may or may not find out, but think it will be tougher for the lass as the 'boss' than him.
You will get through this, even if it takes some time.....

@Everafter6

Right now is a time of great confusion for you. I'm glad you're seeing a solicitor. That's the first step in relieving some of the 'fear of the unknown'.

May I suggest you write down all of your questions for the solicitor on paper as well as a 'basic sketch' of your and 'that man's' income, assets (incl the house), pensions. It will help them give you a better picture of what divorce might mean to you. And don't trust your memory on their responses, leave room to jot down notes.

Also, I know you don't want to tell anyone, but it can be a good thing to have a 2nd pair of ears with you when you see the solicitor. I've done this for two friends. I sat and listened, took notes, jogged their memory, and (with their OK) asked 'follow up' questions if my friend didn't seem to be 'getting it'. This is an overwhelming time for you and you don't want to miss or forget anything important that the solicitor says. Pick someone you can trust to keep your confidence who will be able to keep their mouth shut as far as anger at him/the situation. You need cool heads around you right now.

If you can, put everything else on the side until you speak to the solicitor. Once you have that information you may see your path more clearly and begin to make real decisions.

You'll get through this. You aren't the first, you won't be the last, and you're not alone. You're a member of that club that no one wants to belong to.

Just read first few posts so someone may have already said this: really sounds to me like he wants a fairy tale romance, and wants to run away (physically or mentally) from the reality of his home life (looking after a disabled child) as it all started to go pearshaped then.
He's a coward, and a rubbish dad/partner.
You are in 'survival mode' right now hence carrying on as if all was normal, please don't see that as weakness, it's your protection right now

@Everafter6 What a little Scrote he is.
He’s obsessed with his new affair- So he will be disconnecting from you.

Why should you have to put up with being second best?

If it is only for economic reasons you are with him, that is no way to live, unhappy, having him mooning about like a soppy lovelorn teenager over this woman-

I’d be very tempted to tell her husband.

^^This

You're not his unpaid housekeeper so from now on he looks after himself

Don't suppose you have a spare room?

OP you need some RL support. I've been where you are now. I avoided speaking to family but they weren't stupid. They knew something was going on. He won't want you speaking to anyone because he knows it will make him look bad.

Do also be prepared for him to blame it all on you. He's never really loved you, if you'd given him more attention it wouldn't have happened. It's all part of the "script". My ex-H even tried to phone my parents to justify himself to them. They were on holiday and had a friend staying while they were away. The poor man was then subject to my ex and his tale of woe!

Just feeling you have someone on your side makes all the difference.

Please tell your friends and family. you need people you can trust who have your best interests at heart. they will help you, and they can keep you strong when you are feeling weak.

they can also help with practicalities and talk things through over and over, the way you are very likely to need to do. It all helps you get things straight in your mind.

Stop shielding him, and let those closest to you know. It will make things more real for you too.

You will be financially better off, have more free time and the chance of love with someone else who truly appreciates you. In my divorce settlement I received Global Maintenance which was a combo of an amount for the kids which is more or less what CSA would have awarded and an additional element to account for the disparity in our incomes which essentially was a spousal element. My solicitor was amazing though.

Get legal advice ASAP - it will make you feel so much better, it's instantly having someone on your side who knows ALL the rules of this horrible game and will stick up for you even if you are exhausted and can't argue any more... As a long time dependent and primary carer, not least of your son with those challenges you will be entitled to far more than you probably realise. Oh and yes of course if his pension is bigger than yours that's an asset to be shared. When you marry assets and liabilities are jointly owned and so nothing's off limit unless very specifically ringfenced. People don't realise this sometimes - if you are a dependent/lower earner/primary carer etc marriage offers some incredibly powerful protections. Best of luck - better times ahead!

Genuinely sorry for you.

Rise above them - do not tell work, do not tell her husband. They will all find out anyway but it doesn’t have to be from you.

Ask/tell your husband to move out. His absence from your home is non-negotiable.

Get support from friends/family.

If you think the marriage may be worth saving then AFTER he has finished with other woman AND one of them has moved jobs, you COULD consider counselling and therapy to see if you can make something new and better together.

it sounds like you’ve had a tough time as a couple and good people sometimes do crazy and stupid things.

But, he’s the one being a prick so you need to decide what will be best for you and your family. First step is him leaving the family home and he only comes back if you are completely convinced he knows what a huge and damaging mistake he has made, understands properly the impact on you and the family and you believe him when he says that he will move heaven and earth to get relationship and family back on track.

Good luck.

I think this is a good idea. OP give yourself grace you are going thru so much. Talk to a solicitor. Make sure you find out everything you and the DC are entitled to. Wishing you all the best