When to tell children about Infedelity

[Teacup19]

I was just pondering when/if ever I would tell DC that the reason their dad and I divorced was due to his infidelity. I want them to always have a good relationship with their dad, but also don't want to go to my grave without telling them the truth...

They will work it out at some point. How old are they?

Why don't you want to go to the grave without telling them "the truth"?

Do you think there would be a single benefit to them to be told?

If not you're doing it for you rather than them. It would have an impact on the relationship with their dad I'd imagine. It would also open the door for him to share his side (whatever that may be) and stick them in the middle of something they don't need to be involved with. You made a decision to divorce based on information you had, why would they need to know the ins and outs?

12 now. Been 6 years since divorce. Reason I gave it that we were not compatible.

I wouldn't. Why would that benefit your DC? I completely get why you would want to but that's not right for DC

I wouldn’t go out of your way to tell them. What’s the point of causing upset now when it was years ago and you’ve all moved on. If they specifically asked to some point when they’re adults I may tell them the truth

You don't need to tell them imo. They may well work it out at some point. His infidelity is nothing to do with them. If, when they are adults, they ask you outright, I'd tell them the truth.

I wouldnt bother, it's none of their business, doesnt affect their relationship with their dad and the only outcome is that they will think less/badly of him

My dad cheated on my mum, my step dad cheated on my mum. All telling us did is make us resent them and dislike them

It didnt change what happened, didn't fix anything, just made it so my mum had us teenagers/adults to talk to/get support off

I really wouldnt. The only outcome of it is that you will get some sympathy of some sort and they will think badly of their father. What's the point?

My sister hates my dad, hasnt spoken to him for years, yes he treated my mum badly but never her, did he deserve to not have a relationship with his child for 15 years because he cheated on her mum 20 years ago? I dont think that's a fair punishment

I can't imagine a reason to tell them at all. How would it work when the kids inevitably tell their dad that they know?

You tell them he cheated?
He tells them that you ignored him and made him feel unloved?

They don't need to know. Unless it comes up naturally when they're grown ups and have the maturity to know that cheating isn't an isolated thing; it is part of a whole marriage.

I was just thinking as an adult, I would want to know if this happened to my parents. Anyway it's probably self explanatory in my case, exH moved in with OW very quickly.

OP, you ended the relationship because of his infidelity? I completely understand why you'd want them to know the truth.

After all, their family broke up. Would these people saying basically "does it matter?" be happy to be blamed by their children for the breakup of their family when it was actually the spouse's lying and cheating that caused it? You risk other "truths" sneaking in that cast you as the guilty or responsible party.

I wouldn't announce it to them as a big reveal, but I also wouldn't avoid saying it if/when (it inevitably will) it comes up in conversation. Age 6 then was definitely too young. Age 12 now, in the coming years when they are naturally starting to think about how relationships work there would be no reason to hide it. You and your ex were incompatible as you've said, but one of the main reasons for that was that he was that he cheated on you. No reasons to hide it and no reason why your child should not have a good relationship with their father still.
If anything, hiding it - as my parents did - will cause your child to have a confused idea of how a relationship should work.

I do understand the other point of view, though, so maybe the compromise is that their dad tells them why he no longer lives with them and has (presumably) caused their lives to be disrupted.

Not sure. I think it’s the responsibility of the cheating partner. I have DSD and she is aware that her mum and stepdad got close while her mum and dad were married and got together very shortly afterwards but it became clear the other day that she isn’t aware that they had an affair and would be horrified if she found that out. We didn’t correct her but were a bit 🤔that her mum hasn’t sat her down and told her the truth.

I don't agree that cheating is not an isolated thing and there are reasons for the cheating to have happened. Even if I did ignore him or make him feel unloved (which isn't further from the truth, I thought we were happy), that isn't a reason to cheat.

I'm thinking this because I noticed DD maturing and making observations of relationships and am holding my breath for when the question comes. I suppose I'll just offer the incompatibility reason again until/if she asks as an adult.

I have not told my DC, but as they approach the teenage years then I'll be open about it if they ask (but will say something along the lines that he wasn't faithful).

I have already them know that he was not a good team-mate/support/partner to me & that we didn't get along about lots of things (him being messy v. me tidy etc).

Allowing ex to sit up there on his pedestal isn't right.. Dc should know the real him. My dc have forgotten a lot of the abuse their df gave them. I wish they had known when he was alive.. Instead they now sport fucking huge Dad tattoos like he died a fucking hero. The day stuff comes back to them won't be easy for them I suspect..

Ultimately your dc have divorced dps because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Hardly a good role model.

I wouldn’t. Let them read between the lines.

DH’s parents split due to infidelity on his DM’s part.

His DF has tried to tell him; he doesn’t want to know. His opinion is that it’s between them and they weren’t suited anyway

Your children absolutely don't need to know what happened between you and ex-husband unless it puts them in danger. The only thing kids need to know is that both parents love them. Your kids will work it out when they're older or they will ask when they are ready.

So what you're saying is every man and woman who's ever had an affair isn't a good parent?

It cropped up naturally with my dd when she was a teenager. We had lots of conversations about relationships etc. Mostly hypothetical or relating to TV programmes and films etc. Then as she grew older it included her experiences and she asked about mine. She wasn't surprised her dad had cheated. I think she may actually have asked directly, I honestly can't remember. It wasn't a big deal.
I don't really understand why it would be kept a secret as such. Neither would I understand waning to sit dc down to "tell" them.

Edit to clarify: his cheating was a big deal! Talking about it to my dd at an appropriate age was not

I think if they ask as an adult and really want to know the answer I wouldn't lie.
I wouldn't volunteer the information though as I don't think they need to know.

If there was abuse-sexual/physcial/emotional then that's different because they need to protect themselves as adults from future harm.

@Teacup19 I would definitely tell them! maybe not yet but when they are about 15 so they fully understand what cheating really means! why does he have the right to go about whiter than white????

But incompatible is't a lie is it. If you were compatible and the realtionship was working, your ex husband would have been very unlikely to leave you for the other woman. My ex husband left me and moved on very quickly (never admitted affair, but was very clear) but to be honest 12 years down the line its irrelevant. At the time was very painful. He's still with that same woman and very happy. I think they are probably more compatible than we were. I eventually met someone else and remarried and am also happy. Our relationship after 20 years was no longer working, so I accept my part in the downfall. My kids have a good relationship with their dad and stepmum. I get on fine with them (was some tensions initially). When my kids discuss cheating and affairs, whilst I don't condone them I am always quick to say to them you just never know what's going on in someone elses relationship and human beings people make mistakes. Now obvously I don't know your personal circumstances, all I am saying is that things are not always clear cut, life moves forward and it's better to focus on the future than the present. That knowledge, to your children, would serve no purpose only for them to potentially feel less respect for their dad and hurt them. I think the comments mentioned above by "CorylusAgain" are spot on.