When to tell children about Infedelity

[Teacup19]

I was just pondering when/if ever I would tell DC that the reason their dad and I divorced was due to his infidelity. I want them to always have a good relationship with their dad, but also don't want to go to my grave without telling them the truth...

If my children one day ask why their father left I will be telling them the truth. Would it affect their relationship with him - yes undoubtedly but that's not my problem that's their dads - when they are adults and have a mind of their own to choose what to do with the information it's up to them. (He didn't leave due to infidelity)

Infidelity is such an emotive issue that I'm not certain a parent could talk about it without involving their children in their hurts and resentments, which is never advisable, even with adult offspring

It's not just their dad's problem. It's their problem too.

@NewNameNigel

Perhaps. But why should I keep the pretence going that he is a great man and father - he's not. I would keep it factual - this is how he left and this is why he said he was leaving. My opinion wouldn't come into it

See I think you can just say - he left because he had an affair end of

No emotions there. Just factual. Any normal human being doesn't need to have the hurt and resentment spelled out that infidelity causes

My husband's mum did the same, DH dad had two affairs.. One when DH was 6 and another when he was 15. DH spent his entire childhood being made to feel guilty about still having a bond with his dad. To this day (30 years later!) she talks to him like shit and expects us to all join in the hatred of her husband... She should have left him at the time, I find her bitterness very hard to be around.

I have also struggled with this one. We have never told the kids that their DF was unfaithful and that is the real reason why we split. We told them it was a mutual thing and that we just weren't getting on. It was historical infidelity which I found out about though which is why we didn't tell them.

I have decided that there is no real benefit to telling them now even though there are times I want to due to their DF's continued selfish behaviour.
I don't because it might make them think their childhood and our subsequent amicable relationship were both fake. A lot of soul searching has told me that it's my desire for revenge that would be behind telling them rather it being in their interests.
I just hope it's the right decision.

Then the same could be said about anyone with children who leaves any marriage for any reason.

The problem with telling the children "the truth" is that it is subjective. It also opens the floodgates for accusations and recriminations on both sides. You need to really examine why you want to tell them. If it is to change their feelings about him or to have a ally who you can use for support then it is the wrong thing to do. If it is to foster openness and can be done in a fairly neutral and calm way and is age-appropriate then it's up to you.

I used to work for a children's charity (many many years ago) and we did a piece of work with children and young people who called child line re divorce and by and far they reported that they DID NOT want to get involved in their parents disputes and wanted to feel supported in loving both of their parents.

For the sake of your children. If that's not a good enough reason for you then I don't know what to tell you.

I have never told my sons. Their happiness is the most important thing in my life. They have a lovely relationship with their dad and I have remarried and couldn't wish for a better DH in N

I think a potential problem of not telling them is that they come to the wrong conclusions by making assumptions.
when my cousin was in her 30’s she was having a conversation with my aunt which revealed that she though it was my aunt who had the affair and broke up the family. She thought this as my aunt remarried fairly quickly. But actually it had been my uncle who had the affair. My cousin was very upset when she found out the truth as she had harboured a grudge against her mother for many years- for an affair she never had.

@Phonedown the truth with no emotion is that we split because the dcs dad spent the whole of our marriage before and after DC unbeknown to me, picking many multiple men and women up off the internet and having sex with them.
If I were to put emotion in it, then I would add that as a consequence, this made him emotionally unavailable, very detached and preoccupied with his own needs and refusing to communicate. You may excuse or try and justify his behaviour in some way or by looking at me and my behaviour, but you would be wrong. He was just a selfish manipulative dick.

Yes, but more so with an affair as the person cheated on has to bring up the kids whilst recovering from the abuse that an affair is.

Well you were incompatible. Your idea of marriage required faithfulness and his required a mistress. So when you realized that you dumped him.

@CoffeeatIKEA incompatible FFS!!! yes silly me for believing in marriage where you literally promise to be faithful, would be disrespected several times a year for many years without my having a clue.

Why shouldn't you tell them once you feel they're old enough to understand? My DD12 knows her dad was unfaithful and bollocks has it affected her relationship with her dad, they're absolutely fine.

She (and your child too at this age) are starting to explore relationships in general and I don't think there's any harm at all in them learning that life isn't always rainbows and flowers with unicorns skipping by 🤷‍♀️

As an adult of divorced parents I would say please do not tell them. I think there's a chance my dad cheated because he was soon with my stepmum but I'd really really rather not know. It's enough as an adult dealing with everything else difficult that comes with having split up parents. Take care x

@Fernsfernsferns It’s important you keep to the facts and don’t get drawn into telling them a lot about how awful it was for you, even though I’m sure it was.

My mother did and still does this a lot around her marriage and it’s end. I have boundaries now, but the reality that she used me as her therapist and emotional support from 11 or so onwards has had a permanent negative impact on our relationship.

My mother did the same...but my father didn't leave until I was 21. So that was a decade of being her therapist and emotional support. Obviously after my father left that ramped up 100%. The only boundary that ended up working for me was moving to the other side of the world.

I did not deserve to be burdened with all the crap in my parent's marriage, they should have kept it to themselves.

I'm now 55 and my mother still takes every single opportunity to bad-mouth my father. After 34 years of it any sympathy I had for her is long, long gone.

My DD is 16 and has no clue her dad cheated on me. What do you hope to achieve by telling them?

I just told her that sometimes people fall out of love, so don't want to live together anymore. She's it not said anything since.

I think it's cruel if you tell them, they don't need to know. Just make something up!

If they ask when they are adults, I'm not going to lie.

Don't tell them. My 40-something DH has never known the reason his parents got divorced when he was 10, he's never asked and he doesn't want to know. He's happier not knowing the details.

If you don't volunteer the information, you still have the option of telling them if they ask, but if you tell them before they've asked they can never un-know it.

The way I approached it with DD has always been very matter of fact - as in, your dad met someone else when you were a baby, and that is how you have your sister (through her dad and his now wife). I have never ever broached it or framed it as something he did bad to me, more that this is just what happened.

I think it's cruel if you tell them, they don't need to know. Just make something up!

I think lying has far more scope to create distress and destroy trust than the truth conveyed at an age appropriate time and in a calm and factual way.

I'm not advocating dragging children into adult situations or justifying the type of vengeful character assassination some pps are describing. But I'm really surprised at how many posters advise creating secrets.