When to tell children about Infedelity

[Teacup19]

I was just pondering when/if ever I would tell DC that the reason their dad and I divorced was due to his infidelity. I want them to always have a good relationship with their dad, but also don't want to go to my grave without telling them the truth...

Essentially, yes.

I would say every person who cheats is a bad parent.

They're putting their own selfish desires above their child's life and happiness.

I don't want history to repeat itself and hope that when my DC find the truth out, they will reflect on their childhoods and the impact their dads behaviour had on our family and treat their partners/family with more respect. I will not be shielding them from the truth. They have asked but I've told them I will tell them if they ask when they are 18.

As the child who was told this, I am telling you now it is not a disclosure I appreciated and I wish my parents had kept their shit to themselves.

My dd figured it out as she got older. She asked questions to her dad and I and we answered. As she began to make sense of time lines and how long her dad and SM are together. The longer they were together they forgot that they had knocked a few years off.

She asked me at about 12 I think were we still together when he started dating her SM. I answered yes.

I didnt feel the need to tell her but I wasn't going to lie when she asked me.

It did upset her but I was honest and said her dad and didn't have a good relationship and even if he hadn't cheated we wouldn't have been together and they were still together so they were a better fit.

I found out at age 26 about my dad infidelity… through my mum when we was having a deep conversation with a cup of yea one night! Glad she told me when she did… I wouldn’t of liked to of known I don’t think if I was still a child

As someone who was a child and teen in this situation and found out as a teenager - I would answer what you’re asked but I wouldn’t make any grand disclosures. I would also think very hard, and perhaps talk through with a therapist, about why you want them to know, and how that might affect their relationships with you and their father.

But I would also be mindful that secrets can grow in power. I knew. My sibling still doesn’t. My parents ultimately stayed married. That’s been very difficult to deal with as our perceptions of the parent who cheated - and the memories - are quite different and we therefore have different relationships with them.

My dad was repeatedly unfaithful and, after years of putting up with it, my mum had an affair. My dad found out and said he wanted a divorce. He then changed his mind but by then my mum had decided she wanted a divorce.
They separated when I was 13 and I knew the details by the time I was 16.
I wasn’t told it all at once, it came out organically over time.
Importantly, at no point did either parent suggest that they were the victim. It was more that they weren’t suited (which was very true) and were happier apart (which actually wasn’t true for my dad). I’m glad they told me. I never felt like it was too much information. It’s my history as much as theirs.

I don’t think I’d tell her. My dad cheated on my mum and I haven’t benefited at all from knowing (though my mum might potentially have been happy that we knew she wasn’t the guilty party).

As a teen, it made me feel so guilty for having a good relationship with my dad… I sometimes still feel guilty about it now, despite my mum always reassuring us that she wanted us to have a good relationship with him.

I also remember feeling like he’d cheated on me too. Obviously I was his daughter, not his spouse, but in my head he chose to cheat on our happy family (in reality, they weren’t happy together before the ow). Anyway, it caused a lot of difficult emotions whilst I was growing up.

I was also told too much by my parents, particularly my dad who wanted us to know my mum had cheated.
many years later, we’re both much closer to our mum and I resent that my dad told me these things. It felt manipulative.

Don't.
No good would ever come from bad mouthing the other parent.
Also, it's none of their business. If they still have a good relationship with him/her and it's all good, why disrupt it.
They will discover themselves for sort of the person this parent is and it won't damage your relationship with them x

I have just told some of my children. I found out about it eight years ago and it isn't the reason I am divorcing him. One of my children asked me outright and I've never lied to my children. They have said they prefer to know now as it puts things in perspective and they are now making their decisions about how they go forward with regards to my stbeh.

It’s also often assumed that children will then think less of the cheating parent, and that may be a (conscious or unconscious) reason to tell them.
for me, it got me thinking and reflecting about my parents relationship and I have more sympathy for the unfaithful parent.

My father cheated. My mother stayed we knew because I found out and told my mother.

Did I reflect on my parents marriage?Definitely.
Did it make me have sympathy for my father? Absolutely not.
Did I lose respect for him. Yes and it hasn't never been the same. It also reflected his selfishness in many other areas that were brushed over.
Did it teach me something? Yes to never ever leave my self financially vulnerable with my kids in a relationship.

Isn't there a mid way position- you don't need to lie but if it crops up or they ask, tell the truth. I don't think you purposefully need to sit them down to have a specific conversation about it.

Never. They will work it out, and likely never mention it out of discretion. My 21 yo has never mentioned it, even though it's really obvious as exH moved in with OW straight away. My child was 12 at the time.

Ex cheated on me not in his child. Their relationship remained very close and he was a very involved father.

I have never mentioned the infidelity to my child although I'm sure they know

I think ideally it's for your ex to tell them. But if they don't, then I'd wait until they were both adults and share the news with both at the same time.

@Bobishere telling the truth is not badmouthing

@Allthingsdecember sorry about your experience but effectively a cheater cheats on the family and children because their act has a negative impact on the spouse and kids. Adults work out their differences and leave if they can't fix their problems, without cheating. Cheating is taking advantage of the other person, selfish and disrespectful, they hope to get away with it because their needs are above everything.

So I'm of the view that the wider context is everything here and people who are going absolutely do because he's a dick are just projecting.
I'm the transgressor but my exH was also not a good person and was quite horrible about everything during the divorce. I don't justify my actions which were bad but I don't necessarily think "Helland cheated and that's why we split up" gives the whole story either. He also remarried quickly and has a whole new family and carries huge resentment still against me whereas I took many years post divorce to concentrate on being a sole parent and go through therapy to rebuild myself into a better human. Which I feel I now am.
I do remain petrified that he'll tell the kids and that I won't see them again because they'll just get the " your mum is evil and cheated" side. I can only hope that they see the work I've put in since then

I don't see the benefit of telling them, my step daughter was 4 when my DH and her mum split (she's now 14) split was due to her mums infidelity.. she thinks the world of her mum so why risk tainting that view by telling her something that has nothing to do with her. She was also told it was because of incompatibility/fell out of love.

I waited until DC asked. They didn't ask until young adults. I then asked if they honestly wanted the truth, and gave a truthful answer.

DH caught his ex in his bed with a man he had previously forgiven her for cheating with. She is still with him. He has never even considered telling the children as it is not their burden to bear. Why should they have to deal with the feelings of betrayal that would bring up for them.?

In contrast my mother told me all the sordid details of my dad's affair so I would hate him to punish him. I have never forgiven her for putting that on me and we have a distant and strained relationship. My mum is a very selfish woman and this is just one example of her being unable to consider my feelings as a child

As an adult I can actually see why my dad did what he did and I am much closer to him than her,

No, my kids don't need to know that. They think their dad is the greatest man alive, and so they should. Why would I want to shit all over that just to score some FU points at my kids' expense? He made a selfish decision, but it doesn't take away from him being a good & very involved dad.

It's hard to escape the feeling that this is driven by resentment and a desire to sour the kids opinion of their father. A completely human and understandable thing to do, but I don't think I'd do it in your position. There's a risk the reaction will not be as you expect. If their father is a bad parent and/or person, the kids will discover it in their own way, in their own time.

If your child asks it isn't scoring points to answer.