When to tell children about Infedelity

[Teacup19]

I was just pondering when/if ever I would tell DC that the reason their dad and I divorced was due to his infidelity. I want them to always have a good relationship with their dad, but also don't want to go to my grave without telling them the truth...

You don't; when they are older they might want to talk to you about it. Let them lead the conversation but be responsible. Its possible they have already guessed, or know something that they think you don't. They might never tell you because they worry it will hurt your feelings.
Let them talk it out if they need to but otherwise its not their problem.

I would definitely tell children the truth if they asked yes.

Well the real reason it didn't work is because he's a cheater. He cheated on his first wife and is sadly cheating on his third wife. No behind the scenes nuances to the relationships, both are actually lovely women. His dad was the same.
But yes perhaps the right approach would be to casually answer any questions if they pop up in later years.

I divorced my ex 9 years ago and our dc still don't know it was due to him having an affair. My dd is 16 now and if she asked id be honest and tell her. But id not volunteer the information.

(Just to clarify I met him years after his divorce)

My oldest DDs dad cheated when she was tiny and I left him. She wasn't even 6 months old at the time. I tried to encourage a relationship between them but his behaviours escalated and we haven't seen him in just over 4 years. DD1 asks occasionally but has never really asked about what happened. When she's old enough and asks those questions I'll tell her truthfully what happened and how I responded. That won't be any time soon though. She's 8 now, I would think she'd be at least mid-late teens before we have that conversation.

I disagree with most comments. There are no truth or lies, there are facts. If one parents prioritise their own wellbeing to their children, disrupting everyone's lives it does affect the children and they should know what kind of parent they have.
It won't affect their relationship with their dad in the long run. He'll take them to buy ice cream once and retain the title of best dad in the world till they become adults and will hopefully understand.
If one has a shit parent why covering up for them? For the kids repeating the same behaviour?

I think I would just tell her the truth if she asks, other than that I would just leave it alone. Hopefully she will ask her dad first!

How can you be a good parent and think lying and cheating are great morals to show? That’s not thinking of your family is it.
If I feel I don’t get along with someone I talk and then leave. I don’t lie and hurt anyone.
But no OP don’t tell them, it could be seen as coercion by him. Protect your kids from adult troubles at all costs.
It doesn’t help anyone really.
You have to protect them from how he treats women and ensure they’d never accept it or the lies that go with it.

I will tell mine if she ask when she is old enough. As how is life I don't expect her to settle with her first boyfriend so I think after she had a bit of experience in how relationship can fail I will tell if she ask.

18 plus and only if it ever really came up. I never said a bad work to my kids about their dad, then I found out via my 19yr old his dad had married someone he met overseas and was bringing her and her 15yr old son to live in the house my kids stayed at 50-50. I was fuming and told my son some stuff, honestly I regret it. Seeing that crushed look on his face told me I was wrong in telling him that kind of stuff. I’ll never tell my DD (currently 15).

XH and I split up as he had an affair (still with the OW and tbh I think they are better married than he and I ever were). Split up when DC were 6 and 8 which is over a decade ago. If either of them asked about it now I would say but I’d never bring it up as I can’t see what good that would do

This, my ex cheated on me not our DC their relationship is separate.

As an opposite perspective to many here, I'm a child of divorced parents. My mother cheated for years and dad stayed while knowing and asking her to break it off with om. She basically refused (dad was married to his work and so she felt neglected) and so they split. I didn't find out until I was in my 20s. I found out from a sibling who had found out from my other sibling. I was pissed but because it has been so long I've just had to hold onto that anger.

Dad tried to confess the real reason recently, he was obviously nervous and kind of blerted it out and we all just stared at him puzzled as , we all knew, we were all in our 30s by this point.

I would tell children but like anything it needs to be age appropriate. Daddy didn't want to be with mummy anymore, he wanted to be with someone else but of course he loves you very much.

I think it's important to ensure responsibility is placed appropriately as long as it's said in non judgemental or vindictive way. You don't want to burden them but you do want to be honest.

My dad was very angry for years at the end of my parents marriage and having context would have really helped understand that. I also think that you shouldn't protect children from life or it will hit you in the face harder when shit does happen. I think it's also healthy to normalise leaving an unacceptable relationship.

My parents divorced because one parent had an affair and left.
I already knew about the affair but no one officially told me and the parent that left never contacted me again for years.
I eventually pushed for answers as I felt like I was going mad and I was told the truth and that they had another child also.

It was the worst betrayal not be to trusted with the truth and I felt I couldn't trust anyone to be honest with me.

Just be honest with your kids. They know more that you think

I have this same struggle. Been separated 4.5 years (still not divorced but that's a whole other story). I left because he cheated, multiple times. 3 physical affairs, loads of sexting, sending videos of himself etc. We told the kids (4 and 8 at the time) that it was because we didn't get along anymore, so not a lie as such but it was very much conveyed that it was 50/50 responsibility and God is that hard!! Unfortunately ex told a bit of a sob story to the kids so they (youngest especially) think he's the poor, hard done by daddy and they both admire him. He has loads of money (but self employed so I don't get the CM I should or the right level in divorce settlement) and they think he's amazing. Not going to lie, it is bloody hard to not get the recognition for what I have done... Started a new career, managed to get us a home after ex starved us out of the family home, have majority custody, still get kids to all the activities they do and hold down a highly pressured job. So one day, when they are older, if they ask, i wont lie but mostly because I want them to realise they I am a decent parent 😔

But sometimes the other parent, even if you’ve said, they just fell in love with someone else (because she kept asking and hitting me, as was told I’d left), will then use it against you.

If she asks you can tell her, but there’s no need for a big reveal.

Children learn that their parents have flaws and love them regardless, so you may find yourself disappointed if she doesn’t respond to your revelation as you expect.

Just let it happen naturally- if it does.

I would have given a reason from the start that was more like:

‘I felt he treated me disrespectfully’

or ‘I felt he wasn’t honest’

or ‘he didn’t keep a promise he made me about something that was important to me’

and then I’d think that the facts around that wound naturally come out when they were ready to know them.

i believe in that maxim that children only ask what they are ready to know, so as long as you listen carefully to the exact question they ask and answer that, you’ll be ok.

maybe move now to one of those formulations?

however, have you worked through your feelings about it?

it’s important you keep to the facts and don’t get drawn into telling them a lot about how awful it was for you, even though I’m sure it was.

my mother did and still does this a lot around her marriage and it’s end. I have boundaries now, but the reality that she used me as her therapist and emotional support from 11 or so onwards has had a permanent negative impact on our relationship.

My marriage ended due to infidelity too.

ww told the dc, who were 10 and 11 at the time that we weren’t making each other happy anymore. It was really hard as I wanted them to know that this wasn’t my fault and I never wanted this for them but ultimately, I wanted to hurt them as little as possible and I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad going forward.
I did tell him that I won’t offer the information to them but if they ever ask me more about why we separated as they get older then I also won’t lie to them.

they are 16 and 17 now and so far haven’t asked…not sure they ever will.

i can’t see what benefit telling them out of the blue would do other than to ‘vindicate’ myself and demonise him. I’d rather leave the past in the past and concentrate on the future.

My hope would be if I tell her (when she's much older) that it would not affect her relationship with her dad. (I don't think I'd go into the details that I found out because her school friend's mum found him on Tinder! 😵‍💫)
@Luckydog7 that's exactly it. I want her to know that I was strong enough to not accept cheating and that it's okay to leave a relationship that doesn't bring happiness.
@Stressymadre I feel your pain. My exH is also self employed and so makes it look like he earns peanuts when he's well into 3 figures, throws money around, is as uninvolved as can be, and once gave some sob story about the marriage ending because I didn't like his jokes 🙄
Every child and every parent-child dynamic is different, and I think some kids would want to know. For eg. I only found out recently that my parents married after I was born and it really annoyed me that they hadn't told me. It's kind of my history too iykwim.

I think it’s fine to talk to her about this when she’s older and you are discussing relationships and acceptable / unacceptable behaviour

i also think in general that cheats poor behaviour doesn’t just show up in their infidelity.

your ex sounds like a shit, and as she gets older your daughter will realise how little effort he makes with her and that he continues to treat you unfairly financially.

again, I wouldn’t cover this up, I’d just be matter of fact about it when it comes up.

its one thing to not dump your issues on her

but don’t go too far and cover up for him or coullude in pretending he’s better than he is

DD told me an interesting story about a conversation at school. I’m divorced, and so are her best friends parents. A friend was asking why, and the pair of them were saying quite vaguely that that was kind of private parent business. The friend was unsatisfied and said if her parents split up she would certainly ask them why.

DD and her mate in unison: Noooooooo. Trust us, you would not!

If it were me, I would wait and see if they ask for more information as they get older and take their lead on it. They may be quite accepting of what you've told them so far and that's OK. But they might have more questions getting older. I wouldn't lie to them, but I do think it's important that you are giving the information in a way that's appropriate for your individual child to receive and that is delivered in a child friendly way. I think a lot depends on how you frame it. You can't bad mouth their other parent because we know that's harmful to the child and might cause them to withdraw from you. But equally I think it's ok to say that their dad made a mistake and didn't treat you very well and that you deserve to be respected and treated well in a relationship as do they so you both got divorced. I'd say it doesn't make their dad a bad person or a bad parent, they just weren't the best husband to you that you deserve.

So you want to do it to make yourself feel better not for any benefit to them?