When to tell children about Infedelity

[Teacup19]

I was just pondering when/if ever I would tell DC that the reason their dad and I divorced was due to his infidelity. I want them to always have a good relationship with their dad, but also don't want to go to my grave without telling them the truth...

It was meant to be a joke. Tone doesn’t really come across written down I guess.

I don't intend to tell my dc unless he has an affair or is the betrayed spouse and only then to show we can relate to the situation. I don't see why a child needs to know the ins and outs of a marriage break up unless it is to protect them so for example abuse. I say that because my ex's parents separated due to infidelity and he was raised feeling in the middle and it's just set an awful tone into adulthood. The betrayed spouse came off worse as they can't hide their bitterness.

It's not about "creating secrets", it's about not dragging your kids into relationship issues that might just hurt or upset them.

my ex's parents separated due to infidelity and he was raised feeling in the middle and it's just set an awful tone into adulthood. The betrayed spouse came off worse as they can't hide their bitterness

Surely the issue here is that way the betrayed spouse dealt with the whole situation, not the fact the infidelity was disclosed? A parent badmouthing the other parent or engaging in alienation tactics is wrong. But it happens in relationship breakdowns without infidelity too.

If both parties handle everything with the needs of the children at the forefront then being honest about events can be included at an age appropriate time.

I'm not advocating "dragging children" into anything.

I was responding to.pp who said make something up

I told my children the truth...why would I lie? Their father had an affair and left us to go and live with another woman 🤷‍♀️ How would I be able to lie about this?? "Listen up girls, we've had our share of daddy, it's time for us to be kind and let pretty Sarah, 20 years younger than mummy (#notbitteratall 🤣) have her turn with him now!"

I’ve worked with children professionally for a very long time and I am absolute that I would use age appropriate honesty EVERY time!

There is a HUGE difference between telling the truth (age appropriately) and pouring out your anger about the cheating partner onto them. This always gets lost in these threads.

I’ve seen first hand the damage lies (even though they’re meant well) can do to children; they’re not stupid and can tell that something is being covered up, so they invent reasons and often blame themselves or find fault in themselves.

No way would my child be left in that position for someone whose cheated and blown up their family.

This! However if the other person isn’t mentally ‘right’ it can be fully used against you. I’ve hidden emotional abuse and rape from mine and he tells them all the adult problems at his. He’s had them filming me in my house and sends horrible messages about me because I don’t force them to do things with me on the weekend. Eldest knows he had an affair but they buy her love and make her feel like one of the grown ups. I was advised to point out some unhealthy behaviours so she can see that some of the coercion is awful but that then makes her decide I’m a liar.
So yes growing up under secrets is hard, but what real benefit is there to being told anything? They will use it to claim it’s bitterness, best keep quiet unless you’ve both sat down, tell them together this is the only scenario I think it could be helpful. If both parents are sane, rational, it’s an explanation rather than a weapon. Mind kept asking, crying because she couldn’t see daddy full time, blaming me and under the pressure of that and years of single parenting I cracked and explained he loved someone else. They then sat her down and told her god knows what?
Get professional support if it comes up.

I can understand waiting until they're older but I'm surprised at the number of responses saying "never tell them". Surely it's better to give them the chance to come to terms with the info themselves and decide what to do.

I think I'd be a bit upset if I was told now (in my 40s) that one parent cheated on the other. I'd feel lied to and tricked into a relationship when I didn't have all the facts.

My sister hates my dad, hasnt spoken to him for years, yes he treated my mum badly but never her, did he deserve to not have a relationship with his child for 15 years because he cheated on her mum 20 years ago? I dont think that's a fair punishment

But isn't it up to your sister how she wants to react? Clearly you've both chosen for yourselves how to move forward. You're suggesting she not be given a choice because you don't like what she chose!

Edit: I'm assuming the children ask! No need to blurt it out in the middle of Sainsbury's.

This is manipulation at its finest though. Treated mum badly but not her, how are these people so capable of being unkind to the mother of their children without considering the impact on the children?
I wouldn’t want to be around a dad like that. Women go through enough.
I think that’s really loyal of her sister.

I think it’s telling that myself and others on this thread who have been those children are saying- please don’t tell them.
personally, if they ask, of course tell them the facts, hopefully without blame or too much emotion. As PP said further up, her DH has chosen not to ask, I think that’s his right.

And I’m an adult who did know as a child and I’m glad I do as it has helped me to understand my parents better and not repeat the mistakes they made or replicate a relationship pattern. So… not every adult who knew feels like this!

DH's parents split up when he was 19 because his dad went to live with the OW. So no hiding that. However, his mum then told him.all about the affairs his dad had had throughout their marriage.

She did it out of bitterness but there was no need to tell DH. She could have ranted to her friends and family about his shitty behaviour, not to her son.

DH is in close contact with his dad (and with his dads wife, the OW) but hardly speaks to his mother. Not directky because of what she told him, but it certainly didnt help.

I really wouldnt do this.

@Usernamechange1234 this is exactly how I feel about my parents not telling me the truth. I felt that I couldn't trust them to be honest with me. And I dreamt up many different scenarios in my head. I don't think anyone in their right minds would intentionally say things to alienate the other parent/dump their pain on their children.

They'll probably figure it out themselves as adults. I don't think you need to tell them, it's been 11 years since my husband found out his wife was cheating..
My 14 year old doesn't know the reason (she's also been told it was because they weren't a good match)
she has a good relationship with her dad and me and her mum and her now husband. I can't think of any good reason to possibly destroy that by telling her about her mums affair.