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Original poster

How to mend a very tactless remark?

119 replies

chopinwaltz26 · 24/01/2024 18:42

My younger niece is getting married in May. They sent save the date cards out in 2022!
I was talking to my brother on the phone on Sunday and neither of us are especially keen to go to the wedding.
Firstly, because it is not a wedding, the couple are marrying legally with parents and siblings a week or so in advance.
Secondly, because the the "performance" and party are on a Thursday, starting at 13:00, meaning that anyone, wanting to stay at the location, needs to book 2 nights.
Thirdly, I think we feel a bit too old to do all the partying.
Stupidly I relayed that to my niece, error on my part, I know.
I would fo and have already booked to stay the 2 nights, which also means a flight from Europe and 3 days' lost income. At present that amounts to about €2500.
I really did not intend to upset her or her future husband as I love them both dearly, but do young people have any idea of the effort and expense involved, even if they are paying for the actual party?
How can I make this better again? I will go, but I do not thin my brother will and my sister-in-law cannot as she has to work then.
Grateful for advice on this.

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 24/01/2024 18:45

How did you convey the message?
What was her response at the time?

Maddy70 · 24/01/2024 18:53

It isn't a performance. It's their wedding ...they have just done the legal part in the UK for ease. You could just have said no if you didn't want to go

You were very rude

Awrite · 24/01/2024 18:58

Why on earth are you shelling out so much to go to the wedding of people you clearly don't like?

Horrible calling their wedding a performance.

I think you have shown your true colours and I hope your niece takes notice. Shame on you.

fatphalange · 24/01/2024 18:59

Would they want you there after this?

Gazelda · 24/01/2024 19:00

Do you mean you sent a message intended for your DB to your niece by mistake?

Or did you have an open conversation with her and told her your feelings?

Either way, you were astonishingly rude. If you don't want to go (and that's understandable), then you should have sent a 'with regret' card.

Going forward, I think that all you can do is apologise and tell her that you regret saying what you did and hope she can forgive you, you love her very much and hope she has a wonderful wedding celebration.

Mitsky · 24/01/2024 19:00

Don’t go, she’ll probably have a better time knowing you’re there resenting her.

Why on earth did you tell her?

Original poster
chopinwaltz26 · 24/01/2024 19:01

Oh I was more than happy to go, until I found out that it wasn't the actual wedding. I feel somewhat short-changed, oddly.
I have apologised for being so blunt, no response so far.
The other issue, which the mob told me at Christmas, was that children are only required for photos, not the actual "thing". I understand nannies have been hired. As these children's great-aunt, I would be more than happy to amuse them. Oh well, not my circus and all that.
Oh, and the date was determined because my niece wanted a certain BBC-related make-up and hair stylist to do the needful.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 24/01/2024 19:03

chopinwaltz26 · 24/01/2024 19:01

Oh I was more than happy to go, until I found out that it wasn't the actual wedding. I feel somewhat short-changed, oddly.
I have apologised for being so blunt, no response so far.
The other issue, which the mob told me at Christmas, was that children are only required for photos, not the actual "thing". I understand nannies have been hired. As these children's great-aunt, I would be more than happy to amuse them. Oh well, not my circus and all that.
Oh, and the date was determined because my niece wanted a certain BBC-related make-up and hair stylist to do the needful.

Edited

Having read this, I hope that your tickets are refundable. I suspect you won't be welcome at the wedding.

It comes across very clearly that you don't think the event is worthy of you being there.

WhyAmINotCleaning · 24/01/2024 19:05

Wow

PamelaParis · 24/01/2024 19:06

I would love to hear the other side to this. I strongly suspect that none of the childrens' parents would be happy to leave them to be kept amused by their great aunt rather instead of being cared for by a professional nanny...

Dacadactyl · 24/01/2024 19:06

Depends on your relationship with your niece.

In my family, my aunt's would've been straight on, telling me to my face that it was a ludicrous performance and couldn't I just do something simpler. 100% no doubt, they'd have told me straight up.

However, I'd know that about them and so wouldn't have planned an awkward wedding if I was that bothered about them attending.

But, even if id booked something inconvenient for everyone else and had my aunt's telling me so, I wouldn't fall out with them. We don't do fall outs in the wider family, but we do all speak our mind. So I'd just say "well if it's a lot of hassle, you don't have to come".

I don't think YABU and you've apologised, so that's enough in my book. If she wants to take it to heart and get upset, that's on her.

Maddy70 · 24/01/2024 19:07

You sound awful. Why the nasty edge? You clearly don't value them or think its worthy of your presence. You have shown your true colours and I'm certain they will have a lovely time without you knowing that the guests there are happy for them and want to be there

DelilahsHaven · 24/01/2024 19:08

So, you've known the date since 2022, booked your flights, but now you don't want to go and have upset your niece? Why would you DO that?

Original poster
chopinwaltz26 · 24/01/2024 19:10

I should add that I would love to see my niece and her intended get married. Nothing would be better. However, they are having some bizarre scenario, where 5 adult bridesmaids play a role and there is nothing traditional. I fully realise that I am not up-to-date on modern weddings, but you are all attacking me and not actually giving the advice I asked for.
I have already apologised via WhatsApp.

OP posts:
DeedlessIndeed · 24/01/2024 19:11

So you had the reasonable options of either not going at all, OR to slap a smile on, keep your thoughts to yourself and go to support your niece.

But instead you decide to commit to spending you're clearly unhappy about and then bitch about it... TO the bride...

Yeah, if I was your niece I think I'd be quite happy with you pulling out last minute!

DelilahsHaven · 24/01/2024 19:12

Alright then, what did you actually say to you niece?

DeedlessIndeed · 24/01/2024 19:13

chopinwaltz26 · 24/01/2024 19:10

I should add that I would love to see my niece and her intended get married. Nothing would be better. However, they are having some bizarre scenario, where 5 adult bridesmaids play a role and there is nothing traditional. I fully realise that I am not up-to-date on modern weddings, but you are all attacking me and not actually giving the advice I asked for.
I have already apologised via WhatsApp.

Frankly, so what if you think it's bizarre or non-traditional.

It's not your wedding. Either go and support your niece or don't.

Stop slagging her wedding behind her back (and to her face)!

Original poster
chopinwaltz26 · 24/01/2024 19:13

@DelilahsHaven No flights booked, but accommodation, although only after I asked her when the wedding actually was, due to check in times etc.
No actual invitation either, just the save the date e-mail and a load of irrelevant information, which is massively ironic given her profession.

OP posts:
PriscillaQueenOfTheDesserts · 24/01/2024 19:15

You sound bloody awful
She's probably quite glad that you won't be attending
I would be if it were my wedding
(And if she wants her make up done by an MUA who works at the BBC then good luck to her)
I really don't know why you had to mention it, but here we are...

MCOut · 24/01/2024 19:18

I think that everything you have said indicates that your apology is insincere. Just leave it. They will talk to you when they get over it. That being said in the future remember that a wedding does not require your approval. You just need to decide whether or not you are going to attend and that is it. If you decline, you do not need to offer up your opinion, just wish them a great day and send a gift/ money.

Floopani · 24/01/2024 19:19

'the performance"? Wow that's harsh.

DelilahsHaven · 24/01/2024 19:19

I think @MCOut has the best advice for you.

Original poster
chopinwaltz26 · 24/01/2024 19:20

@DeedlessIndeed I am not slagging it behind her back. We know one another well enough to discuss, if required. I am her aunt and my input, is not and has never been, required. Her mother is also not over the moon about the situation, especially the children thing.

OP posts:
PriscillaQueenOfTheDesserts · 24/01/2024 19:20

which is massively ironic given her profession

Behave 🙄

Dylanesque · 24/01/2024 19:20

Totally agree with you OP that so many weddings are just a performance. Play-acting. In their fantasy of aping the rich, the 'blushing virgin bride' and her groom seem to have no hesitation in expecting their friends and families to semi-bankrupt themselves. I refuse to do it. Advice? Tell the truth