How to mend a very tactless remark?

[chopinwaltz26]

My younger niece is getting married in May. They sent save the date cards out in 2022!
I was talking to my brother on the phone on Sunday and neither of us are especially keen to go to the wedding.
Firstly, because it is not a wedding, the couple are marrying legally with parents and siblings a week or so in advance.
Secondly, because the the "performance" and party are on a Thursday, starting at 13:00, meaning that anyone, wanting to stay at the location, needs to book 2 nights.
Thirdly, I think we feel a bit too old to do all the partying.
Stupidly I relayed that to my niece, error on my part, I know.
I would fo and have already booked to stay the 2 nights, which also means a flight from Europe and 3 days' lost income. At present that amounts to about €2500.
I really did not intend to upset her or her future husband as I love them both dearly, but do young people have any idea of the effort and expense involved, even if they are paying for the actual party?
How can I make this better again? I will go, but I do not thin my brother will and my sister-in-law cannot as she has to work then.
Grateful for advice on this.

@chopinwaltz26 you've known since 2022, so you were rather insensitive.

I am not surprised you are being defensive, you've shown your niece who you are, hopefully your relationship is such that it'll be water off...

Enjoy your trip 😎

100% this, I’m convinced this is a troll thread now because I can’t comprehend someone being so bitter and awful to their niece.

Why are you apologising? Genuinely. You don't seem very fond of her and you clearly disapprove of her wedding plans. Perhaps you should own what you said?

I mean, the apology can only possibly be insincere and people can usually discern that. The best you can possibly manage with sincerity is the old 'I'm sorry if what I said upset you' - and nobody likes those kind of non-apology apologies.

So advice then - you can't do anything else if you've apologised, ball is in her court. Depends on the apology though I suppose. If it was anything other than sorry I'm a horrible judgmental woman who needs to find her inner voice and who cannot understand why anyone does anything differently than what I view as the norm/convention from x years ago then not sure it will land.

However, given you are being really rude on this thread then one suspects this is your usual modus operandi in which case she has probably rolled her eyes and said Aunt x is at it again.

I'm just wondering how you delivered your upsetting comments. Was it by phone, WhatsApp, text?

I can understand a foot-in-mouth moment but an extended critique is more than thoughtless, it's judgemental and inappropriate. And it's just what young people come to expect of conservative relatives. You are the cliché!

I think you need to call her. Apologising by WhatsApp is a cop out.

Look, I'm into minimal fuss but I'm struggling to imagine a scenario in which I expressed my disapproval of a young relative's wedding plans to them.

Let her have her wedding.

No she doesn't. What a hysterical and disproportionate response.

@kkloo She definitely does sound awful. My response was perfectly proportionate

Honestly she probably doesn't give a flying fuck whether you turn up or not as long as you buy something off her overpriced registry list. You're not the guest of honour. You're one of many relatives she probably invited out of politeness. Sure you slipped up with the overshare but it's not the end of the world and definitely not something that necessitates a u-turn of your plans. Chill.

Your niece may say she is okay, but my sister referred to my wedding as "the show" 10 years ago and it still smarts- and that wasn't even to my face! People do seem to get very intolerant and judgey about other people's wedding plans, and seemingly more so, the closer they are to the happy couple. If choices don't align with that persons vision of what a wedding should be it's like they don't "know" that person. I think if you do plan to go you should speak to your niece again and try to find some party of the plan you can say you are looking forward to, and try to build some bridges. She has prob spent countless hours planning all these decisions you dislike. So either get on board and apologise again and show genuine interest or don't go.

I regard it as a performance, when the wedding date is set according to the availability of a BBC hair and make up artist.
What the devil does that have to do with marriage and an integrity in any relationship?

LOL, you're just on a wind up now!

Just don't go. You don't want to. You don't care about any wider relationships. You'd be doing everyone a favour including yourself.

Such nasty comments to the OP. Imagine they're from the kind of shrieking women you see at hotel weddings, drunk as skunks, and mincing around in ridiculous fascinators and ridiculous heels. The OP, who states she's not a party person, thought her 'save the date' was for a marriage ceremony, not a three-ring circus

@Dylanesque Thank you for getting the point!

Clearly my requst went totally down the drain with most of the responders.
However, very interesting to hear the different demographic.
Thank you.

@CiaoBoomer Do get some kind of education.

@chopinwaltz26 do try to lose your arrogance

OK but that is not n opinion you need to share with anyone. Do you not see that?

Pie crust collar, pearls, lace up brogues and a soda water for you then? 😉

Wow, your posts are staggering. So much judgement. You clearly don't love/care for her despite what you may think. I'm not sure you can mend it, it's up to her if she wants to look past your inappropriate and unnecessary comments. Oh and ps, she can get married on any f* day she wants!!!!

Again, why is this such as issue ? Lots of makeup artists do work for TV and bridal it really isn't a big deal. Booking in 2022 meant she was able to secure the vendors of her choice, it doesn't make it a 'performance

Honestly just don't go, and judging by this thread she will probably be secretly pleased anyway

I have 2 BAs and a Masters. What point are you making?

I’m going to buck the trend- I think you sound hilarious.. I can imagine feeling just like you do in this scenario! Weddings are completely mad affairs these days

I feel bad about what I wrote, it was in haste and some whisky may have been involved.

If you actually want to go, or feel like you must, then you need to make a grovelling apology.

Tell her that you realise you are completely out of touch with the way of modern weddings, and that you're sorry you let that cloud your judgement and acted so rudely about something so important to her, especially when she is so important to you. Tell her you want to be a part of her day ,if you're still welcome.

And if you are still welcome, absolutely stay stone cold sober.