How to mend a very tactless remark?

[chopinwaltz26]

My younger niece is getting married in May. They sent save the date cards out in 2022!
I was talking to my brother on the phone on Sunday and neither of us are especially keen to go to the wedding.
Firstly, because it is not a wedding, the couple are marrying legally with parents and siblings a week or so in advance.
Secondly, because the the "performance" and party are on a Thursday, starting at 13:00, meaning that anyone, wanting to stay at the location, needs to book 2 nights.
Thirdly, I think we feel a bit too old to do all the partying.
Stupidly I relayed that to my niece, error on my part, I know.
I would fo and have already booked to stay the 2 nights, which also means a flight from Europe and 3 days' lost income. At present that amounts to about €2500.
I really did not intend to upset her or her future husband as I love them both dearly, but do young people have any idea of the effort and expense involved, even if they are paying for the actual party?
How can I make this better again? I will go, but I do not thin my brother will and my sister-in-law cannot as she has to work then.
Grateful for advice on this.

Fucking hell - don't go, do her a favour!

This!!!

I don't believe this is real. Surely no one thinks like this or would say it out loud.

In the off chance it is, I really don't think there's much you can say other than you're so sorry to offend her and that you really love her.

The lost income/expense of travelling is fair enough (and could have been worded politely to her) but the "performance" part is so old fashioned and rude.

Why the exclamation mark at getting a save the date in 2022 then? Clearly as its abroad and they are aware that makes it harder, they have given 1.5-2 years notice. That is totally reasonable and not at all unusual - what world are you living in? Are you actually claiming that you cannot book annual leave or take any holiday off from work with 2 years advance notice without a loss of income? Most people would take it as part of a holiday and not class it as any loss of earnings at all, so I discount that as being a valid claim to your total bill and its odd you'd claim that.
Your whole description of the event screams that you don't approve of the setup, and you've had lots of time to ponder it, so why say something only months in advance when you've had years.
I sense some martyrdom-chasing here as you've mentioned on more than 1 occasion that you will go despite criticising, and then try and back your unreasonableness up with how impossible it would be for you DB & SIL - I assume they have also had a year or 2's notice to fit it around their work schedule.
With that much notice, I can't see how the claim can be 'busy working' while in the next breath complaining of how much notice has been given.
They will find out who is willing to put the effort in vs others lack of effort. I would think the long notice is also so that people who really genuinely look forwards to sharing their joy have time to save for the airfare.
You reap what you sow when you criticise. Perhaps think more first, and perhaps don't go if it's just about saving face but with an undertone of being convinced it's not for you and you won't enjoy it. I'm sure she doesn't want your resentment.

@MCOut Fair comment, although I did not intend to upset, just got too carried away after talking to my brother.
As for presents etc. I asked a while back about a list, but, of course they are yuppies, have their own house and dog and hadn't even thought about it.
What can you do?

Wow, you think that she’s that bothered about your opinion? She probably doesn’t particularly care. You’re not that important.

It’ll be fine. Go, enjoy yourself, try to avoid sneering in the photos.

Can't understand people who pander to invites that will cost more than a card and a taxi to/from the ceremony..

Breathtakingly critical, petty, nasty. You must be unhappy about something else to be so unpleasant about an invitation to a happy event. Don’t go even if they’d still let you, you’ll poison the atmosphere and sour the wine.

However, they are having some bizarre scenario, where 5 adult bridesmaids play a role and there is nothing traditional.

Define traditional. We told FIL that unless he was paying for the whole shebang he got ZERO say in the matter. We weren't getting married for his approval nor did we ask for it.

which is massively ironic given her profession

You just can't stop having digs at her can you?

Politely turning down the invitation would have been fine. Being rude about your niece’s wedding wasn’t though.

It doesn’t matter what you think of their plans. All you needed to do was accept or graciously turn down the invitation.

If you are genuinely looking for advice on how to make things better, all you can do is sincerely apologise for being rude. And definitely don’t hide behind being ’blunt’ or ‘honest’. Own that you behaved poorly.

You must be a very high earner if 2 nights in a hotel, a return flight from Europe and 3 days lost pay comes to €2,500.

I asked a while back about a list, but, of course they are yuppies, have their own house and dog and hadn't even thought about it.

See what I mean? There's nothing 'yuppie' (which hasn't been in use for decades) to not have a wedding list if they've lived together for years. They probably have everything they want or need.

Either go, have fun and enjoy - or STFU and politely decline.

In that case, we would usually just stick some money or John Lewis voucher in a card.

If she hasn’t replied to your apology o genuinely think you’ve been uninvited. I wouldn’t go if I were you. And if it were my wedding and you turned up I’d ask you to leave

You are very rude - I can hear it in the way you refer to people and events. Your language choices are off-hand and dismissive.

There seem to be a flurry of posts recently fixating on the “not the legal bit” of a wedding that is taking place somewhere unconventional.

in England you can only get married in a Christian church/chapel, or in a really limited list of locations licensed for a registry marriage. If you are lucky you are Christian and traditional and get the wedding you want with no problems. If you are not Christian then you may get lucky and find a lovely local registered place.

If you would rather a humanist ceremony, sikh, hindu, muslim or pagan, or if you have always wanted to marry on a beach, in a wood, in your favourite local stately home, or if you just don’t fancy being married in the local 80s brutalist council registey office with all the romance of a tank, you HAVE to do it by signing a piece of paper in a registry first, and then doing your wedding your way in the location of your choice afterwards.

the sheer number of posters who seem to ascribe some magical power to that signing of a piece of paper which they MUST witness, rather than joining people they love for a public declaration and a expression of their love boggles me. There is no magic in writing their name on paper, that’s just admin. The celebration with all their families and friends set up to be the happiest day of their life? That’s a wedding.

I would have said this cannot be serious but your tone and what you're saying sounds exactly like my mother. If it's not how she'd do it, it's wrong and there's no changing her mind. She's tactless and unapologetic also.

Don't go to the wedding, save everyone the hassle and upset

This all just seems very petty and a little unkind

Please don't go. You're horrible. Let them have a lovely wedding.

I'm astonished that you are viewing it as 3 days lost income. Says it all really. I would say don't go as you have such a bad attitude to it

@Opentooffers I live abroad, the wedding is in the Uk.
I also work freelance, so taking a day or three off can cost me up to €2400 plus flights, travel etc. Get that?
Sadly, I am of the generatio where a wedding invitation came in about 6 weeks before the actual,date. Perhaps not the generation, possible the demographic?
@penjil Indeed, but it actually not about the money.
Clearly nobody has any constructive advice to give or nobody has bothered to read the thread.
I have apologised and explained to my niece. I am still welcome. I still have other opinions, but I believe, in an educated democracy, these are not crimes.

I doubt she wants you there now if you've actually told her how you feel. If I was her I would be incredibly hurt.

Well, if you don't like the advice here, there are other places.

Get that?

People have offered you advice, and you've continued to criticise your niece. You haven't shared what you actually said to her so no-one can offer more detailed advice.

I don't think you want advice at all, you want to vent and get some people to agree with you.

How very tedious.