How to mend a very tactless remark?

[chopinwaltz26]

My younger niece is getting married in May. They sent save the date cards out in 2022!
I was talking to my brother on the phone on Sunday and neither of us are especially keen to go to the wedding.
Firstly, because it is not a wedding, the couple are marrying legally with parents and siblings a week or so in advance.
Secondly, because the the "performance" and party are on a Thursday, starting at 13:00, meaning that anyone, wanting to stay at the location, needs to book 2 nights.
Thirdly, I think we feel a bit too old to do all the partying.
Stupidly I relayed that to my niece, error on my part, I know.
I would fo and have already booked to stay the 2 nights, which also means a flight from Europe and 3 days' lost income. At present that amounts to about €2500.
I really did not intend to upset her or her future husband as I love them both dearly, but do young people have any idea of the effort and expense involved, even if they are paying for the actual party?
How can I make this better again? I will go, but I do not thin my brother will and my sister-in-law cannot as she has to work then.
Grateful for advice on this.

It's fine to have an opinion.

What is less fine is the fact that your dislike / judgement / sneering about your neice comes across in your posts. She must have noticed it too.

You might not ave chosen the same wedding, but this is HER wedding. As you aren't paying for it, what she does isn't up for your judgement. We're all entitled to think what we like in our own heads, but to share these comments with other relatives, and to say them to the bride, is just thoughtless and rude.

And even now, after saying you're sorry, you're still insulting your neice and her choices.

Is this a reverse? Very few people are this obtuse, unpleasant, and up their own arses.

Are you always like this? Hopefully she’ll roll her eyes fondly and ignore you completely.

But you actually you come across quite petty, critical and spiteful. Weddings are about celebrating love and the community around a family. So listen to Leo!

Well the only "advice" I have seen is that I am awful, not in tune with modern life (true) and not to go.
I feel bad about what I wrote, it was in haste and some whisky may have been involved.
I ahve aplogised and said why, which you vioers do ot need to know about.
However, many thanks for giving me inspiration for a book I could write to fund my retirement!

Why couldn't you have just said a simple no?

I think everyone's being a bit harsh on the OP. She clearly likes her niece, she's come across a scenario she didn't expect and doesn't understand why it's being done that way and has dropped a clanger in dealing with it and wants to make it better. There's no need to impute that her niece doesn't like her or that everyone thinks she's horrible.

Personally I don't think there's any need to do or say more other than just going to the wedding, and not thinking about what it's costing you, but go and enjoy the break and seeing your wider family.

Honestly, if this is how you talk about people you love dearly - I'd hate to hear how you talk about anyone you're not keen on! The disapproving tone and scorn is clear throughout everything you write and language you use. Performance? Circus?

If you are wanting advice then maybe tell us exactly what you said to your neice, if it was said in the way you've worded things here it will take more than a WhatsApp apology.

You are not coming across as a nice person, you seem to very critical of your niece, belittling her. Calling her wedding the performance, the sly digs about the save the date card and the bridesmaids.

Times have changed. I'm not surprised she hasn't replied to you

She clearly likes her niece

Have you read the thread? Her posts drip with contempt for her niece and her niece's choices.

There isn't any advice possible other than yup, congratulations, you fucked your relationship with your niece and made yourself look like a judgemental fossilised old bat. You aren't invited to the wedding any more, no doubt, so no need to worry about that.

YABU on every post you've made so far.

Hi OP,

Weddings are a bit mental I think and make everyone a little crazy. Maybe just sit out and look forward to enjoying the marriage, which should last somewhat longer and be nicer to watch.

Good luck.

Wow, I've just RTFT.

If this isn't a troll you're an absolute nightmare aunt 😂. Many amusing anecdotes will be told about you in Christmases to come.

You don’t feel bad for what you wrote. You may feel irked you were busted for saying it to the wrong person. You can’t have given a genuine sounding apology because you’ve added insult to insult describing them and their wedding here.

Well...I suppose you could give the wedding a swerve, keep your poisonous opinions to yourself and try to avoid doing any more gratuitous damage to family relationships?

@chopinwaltz26

I'm with you. I'd not want to spend a small fortune on a not-wedding.

If they're inventing things to include people and it's not a real wedding then it's just majorly bizarre.

I have no objection to anyone going and getting married and having a huge party after, but don't fake some wedding nonsense.

6 weeks before?? Since when? The 1860's!

I think every wedding I've ever been to (including my own) has had the official bit done already. It's really hard and expensive to find venues where you can marry officially on sight. For a wedding abroad I wouldn't think for one second that it would be official on the day.

I am absolutely baffled as to why this would bother you. I understand you being reluctant to spend the money or take time off work, but to be bothered by this is bonkers. If you were truly happy for your niece then I don't think you would have written this post tbh. I think maybe everyone would be happier if you just stayed at home.

You sound absolutely awful OP. Your poor niece. I hope she has a lovely wedding in spite of your awfulness.

This.

Says a lot about you that you’ve called it a performance…

It’s so common now days for people to do the legal but separately as their ideal venue isn’t registered for legal wedding ceremonies.

Tbh you just sound a bit grumpy and like you never wanted to go. You should’ve just said you couldn’t make it in the first place.

I'm Catholic and view marriage as a sacred and important thing but I can still be respectful and happy for people who have non traditional ceremonies etc. It's their marriage not mine so it's not up to me how they choose to celebrate. I would hope you can do the same and be respectful and happy for your niece and her husband.
I'm wondering what the dog did to be brought into this thread but I hope they're happy

I can't stand performative wedding stages. I don't know anyone that does.
It's unfortunate that your niece heard you say this but the more people know that play acting weddings are daft then the fewer will perform them.

Just get married and fuck off with overpriced, overseas hen/stag dos that hardly anyone can afford.
Just get married and have essential guests, and give over with fancy pants over the top blowsy weddings that aren't even proper weddings.
Stop asking people to spend more than they earn to attend an event that means nothing to anyone but the bride.

As for yuppies....... 🤔

You seem nice

You haven't explicitly said what you said to her / typed.

Has she not replied to you at all since then?

How long after did you apologise and how?

Have you spoken to their parent / your sibling? That would be my first port of call.

I can see that they have upset you by not being inviting you to the ceremony. An aunt would traditionally expect to attend and you've been left feeling second best. The bride's priority here is clearly her friends, (which is often the case now with weddings) whereas in the past a wedding would have been more of a family event.

I think they are entitled to do this. It's their wedding - but as a result they upset you. Now you've upset them by pointing out they've upset you.

So all evens?