Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

I think it's pretty off so many are suggesting tricking an adult son into DNA testing that could adverse affect them - their relationships and how they feel about who they are with no warning there could unexpected results -it's like there couldn't be adversely impacts their mental health.

Even if it turns out OP is the father if son finds out there was doubt or that he was lied to about reason for test I can't see that not having consequences.

Yes, nobody seems to give a shit about the son might feel, to find out completely out of the blue. What a horrible shock that would be.

When I first started looking on Mumsnet, I called it MeanNet, so yes, tough crowd. But some really lovely people too.

Anyway, my inexpert opinion is this:

1. I agree that you need counseling/professional help/a few friends in real life that can help you work through this.
2. You need to focus on what you do about your partner and your relationship with her. Do you stay with her now or break up with her? Surely being single would be better than being extremely unhappy with someone, to the point where you have a breakdown? It doesn't matter if your relationship looks happy from the outside, it should be good for those who are in it. Even if she didn't have sex with the OG, you are still allowed to end the relationship with her.
3. Your distress should not be about whether your son is your biological son (and actually you focus a lot more on what your partner did, so that is good). You love him. As people say, there are no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents. I can understand why it would be distressing and interesting to you whether he is your child by blood. Maybe you need to start trying to see him as your child who you love so much that it doesn't matter if he is yours by birth or adoption? Hopefully that will help you to separate the red herring (is he yours genetically?) from the real issue (how do you feel about your partner and that relationship carrying on in the future?).

Fwiw, my thoughts on what happened with your partner 20+ years ago are these:
It sounds like your partner either was pursued by (which would not be something to hold against her) or had an emotional, and possibly sexual, entanglement with the other guy (which would be a problem for your relationship). From the evidence you've presented, she didn't completely reject his advances. So she maybe had an emotional affair, or she maybe thought she could be friends with him but then decided she couldn't.

Small aside, this thread would benefit from a timeline summary of when you found out each thing because commenters are saying "why didn't you do this back then when your child was young" but it sounds like you only found out certain things more recently, 20 years later.

I never suggested she poisoned me. I don’t think she despised me at the time that much. I did read STD/UTIs can be a clue to an affair. Not something I ever thought about until recently.

I didn’t ‘interrogate’ my OHs old friend. When I found out about the 2nd meeting (and is waiting 20 years for that info reasonable?) I did contact 3 or 4 others who knew about the original story. She divulged that info to me as she said she had discussed it with her husband. She never told me 20 years before when I asked as she probably wanted to keep out of it.

You don't think it's unusual behaviour to contact "3 or 4 people" about something that happened TWENTY YEARS AGO?

Because it definitely is, and it is an indication that you need more help than you'll find on a Mumsnet thread.

I think as you grow older and think about any legacy, the question is, is my son my own biological son? This has hung over me for so long probably (yes it’s probably my fault, but hell what a position to be in).

I’m not going to leave now and I won’t tell him if I can avoid both. My OH and I have been together in some shape or form for 40 years!

Kindly OP, you are still obsessing over the minutiae of the past 20 years.

Either do a DNA as others have suggested, get some counselling for your mental health or leave the relationship. You have asked for advice but you're not taking it.

People suggesting he positions his son doing a DNA test with him as 'fun' to get him to do it willingly are awful. Rope his son in and then what? What if the results say his dad isn't his biological dad?

You're suggesting OP encourages a test that might be life changing for his son, knowing that the result could be life changing for him, but doesn't tell him that. Just tells him it'll be interesting / something fun.

Vile. His son is a real person we're talking about.

Have you posted about this before OP?

I'm only asking as if it was you (I think it likely is) then you had excellent advice before and many posters (me included) contributed so I didn't want to do so again if you've posted before.

Thank you Bookworm for those kind words and advice. We are all human and annoyingly for me infidelity has proved my undoing and Achilles heel.

Aside from all this - the son has a right to know who his father is.

Not my place to analyse you. Sorry the therapy hasn’t been more helpful. (Maybe try a few more therapists in case it’s a personality clash.) Anyway…

To sum up, you can:

1. Tell your son, and ask him to do a DNA test.
2. Not tell your son, but trick him into doing a DNA test anyway eg by giving one as a gift.
3. Attempt to do a secret DNA test eg on a stolen hair sample (I have no idea if this can give a reliable result).
4. Not do a DNA test, and live with the uncertainty.

I don’t think option 4 works for you as the psychological stress is clearly significant. I suspect option 3 may not be practical, but suggest you research it before deciding.

Options 1 & 2 will both make your son aware of the result. If you aren’t his father, that would be a huge shock for him and will change his relationship with you, his mother, and the genetic father.

Tricky 😬 good luck. I’d probably do option 2.

Yep I realise that. He doesn’t share my eye colour too but that doesn’t mean much.

Where the trouble begins is that the reverse conception date falls on the exact date they met (I only discovered this in the last month). Also my OH went for a scan when she bled in pregnancy. The midwife said she was 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant (I wrote it I’m my diary on that day because it was frightening for us both). That came back to haunt me because that goes back to the exact date they met.

Can I make it clear my OH did not willingly say get a DNA test done. It was said in a fit of anger during my 2nd breakdown following her confession of the 2nd meeting (which took 20 years to divulge)

I've never met a medical professional who can be SO precise when dating a foetus, right to within 24 hours of natural conception.

I'm also wondering if anyone knows the statistic for births falling on the exact predicted date worked from potential conception dates?

Edit
and I should've said, dates aren't calculated from intercourse, if known, they're calculated from the first date of the last known menstrual period. This information may be a little out of date, as it's from the BBC in 2015, but just look at the stats

In the UK, where Chaney and Marshall live, a woman's estimated date of delivery is first calculated by using the date of her last period and adding 280 days, or 40 weeks.
That is followed by an ultrasound scan where another estimate is made, based on the size of the foetus.
If the two "due dates" differ by a week or more, the scan is taken as the more accurate measure.
It's the same in most developed countries.
But data from the Perinatal Institute, a non-profit organisation, shows that an estimated date of delivery is rarely accurate - in fact, a baby is born on its predicted due date just 4% of the time.
The figure is higher when premature births and pregnancies with complications are not included, but only marginally (4.4%).

Why didn't you get the DNA test when she mentioned in a fit of rage? What stopped you? Why not "let's just do this and be done with it so we can move on"?

The midwife said she was 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant
Did you factor in that means she was actually pregnant for less than this? Pregnancies are usually dated so that the first 2 weeks the woman is not actually pregnant as they go from the 1st day of her last period.

You're absolutely right @beatrix1234

This thread is exhausting. The OP seems to not take any advice offered I really feel for his OH

A 9 week 1 day old foetus was not conceived 9 weeks and 1 day prior. So you've spent 20 years worrying about something that isn't true. Please, get help.

Pregnancy is not calculated from the date of intercourse, it's calculated from the first day of the previous menstrual cycle.

That is because it is impossible to tell when conception actually takes place - it takes time for the egg to fertilise and then implant. Even in assisted reproduction like IVF where fertilisation will have already taken place, the time it takes for an embryo to implant isn't precise.

If the midwife calculated that your wife was 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant, that means conception was ROUGHLY 7 weeks prior to that date, not 9.

I strongly suspect that you've inflicted an equal amount of psychological damage on your partner with your behaviour quite frankly.

You've spoiled your relationship with what you believe and could have done something about it a lot sooner. What you've chosen to do is wallow in a self inflicted misery for a lifetime.

Now you have to live with it, although why your wife has chosen to stay is equally beyond me.

A number have tried to make out this is such a easy decision. It has so many ramifications. Am I a coward. Yep. Should I have called my OHs bluff if there is something more to her meetings. Probably.

Does it live with me most days? Yep. Does counselling help? After about 50 appointments over the years. Do anti-depressants help? Nope.

Perhaps because she says she loves me? Even damaged people have a few redeeming features.

Martyr syndrome. There's a problem for every solution, and the problem is never the martyr.

The calculator doesn't prove anything. It's not calculated from conception, but is based on her menstrual cycle. They don't actually know when the baby was conceived.