Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Yes.

yes you are his dad, you raised him for 20 years.

I would speak to your partner and say it’s time to tell the truth, lay it all out because if ds is not yours biologically he needs to know. You can then choose to believe her or figure out a way of finding out, whether that’s a dna gift like 23&me or telling him you suspect his mother had an affair.

Very difficult but have you thought of getting some professional help like counselling or therapy to help you untangle this?

OP said a few pages back that no therapy has been able to help; or more likely, for whatever reason he has decided that no therapy can help.

After their first child started full-time school my DS went back to college to retrain. At college she made friends with other students including a man. My BIL was convinced they were having an affair, despite my DS telling him over and again that the guy was gay. BIL got very paranoid and stalkerish about the situation.

Shortly before she completed her course DS fell pregnant for a second time and BIL insisted that the child wasn't his (citing the fact that he didn't look like him, just like the poster here) and refused to be on the birth certificate. They had a DNA test carried out which showed that the child was his. He refused to accept the result, insisting she'd somehow influenced it. She left the marriage shortly afterwards and took the children with her. He insisted that she accept adultery as grounds for a divorce, or he'd fight to have custody of the oldest child. Her solicitor persuaded her to admit to adultery in order to simplify everything and her ex than held it up to his oldest child as proof that she'd been unfaithful. He kept this up, telling everyone he could that she'd been unfaithful, for 25+ years until his death. He refused to see his son and favoured his first child, whom he managed to turn against my sister and nephew.

When BIL died two years ago he left everything to the eldest child. The eldest child refused to vary the will in order to share the inheritance with her brother and so my nephew challenged the will and recently had news that he has succeeded and the estate will be split 50:50 between him and his sister. His solicitor said there are a surprising number of men and fathers who develop this kind of paranoia and won't accept evidence to the contrary.

I mean, many of us end toxic marriages and live very happy lives, with happy and well rounded children.

But that's nice you think single parents are bad statistics and like an episode of Eastenders.

You imagine if he tells the son he believes he’s not his father, sends him for a DNA test then the test shows he is indeed the father? OP is not going to look good in the eyes of son. This test should have been done many years ago, it’s too late now and he risks making a fool of himself.

The only reason you’re being bullied and criticised by certain posters is because you’re male. Happens every time. Don’t let the nasty posts get to you.

Anyway…any decent person can see why you feel the way you do, and why there’s probably still a lot to the story that your wife hasn’t told you. Hope you get some answers soon so there’s closure either way - fwiw I did ancestry with my parents for fun, I’m sure you can frame it in the same way for your son.

As your both mate a paternity test is going to be completely successful so why not just bite the bullet & get it done...

If I was convinced my OH had an affair and I couldn't forgive or move on, I would have gotten a divorce and not used it as a weapon for 20 odd years.

It's almost like someone enjoyed the distress/chaos/uncertainty and used it as a handy excuse/weapon for all sorts of behaviors.

I tried to edit as I’ve read your updates, OP. All I would say is two meetings in a pub in a 20 year relationship doesn’t amount to very much at all. You seem willing to throw everything away because you don’t believe your wife. Two meetings. So what. You son is your son as you’ve done all the parenting. Why would give all that up?

Could just tell the son that all family members are doing the testing as part of a “what’s my ancestry” type thing for fun.

And if he's not the dad, is that how you'd want the son to find out?

Thank you for your sympathetic response. I stayed in my ‘relationship’ as my children were aged just 3 and 1 when I discovered something had happened. What was I supposed to do?

You didn't 'discover' anything happened. You convinced yourself on pretty much no evidence at all that something happened, and have spent 20 years holding it over not only your wife but your family. Parents of small children split all the time and reading your posts I can't help thinking that would have been much better for all concerned.

The physiological and psychological damage done (which started 2 days after I found out) has left me pretty much trapped

And yet you never took the obvious route out of all this turmoil. Two, in fact, a DNA test AND walking out of your marriage. I wonder why not.

It won’t look good at all but the alternative is spending the rest of his life paranoid thinking ds isn’t his and IF ds has a different biological father it would be good to know for ds and for medical reasons.

It's almost like someone enjoyed the distress/chaos/uncertainty and used it as a handy excuse/weapon for all sorts of behaviors

Well that's two of us thinking that, then.

Firstly, divorce your wife. You really don't trust her. Is there anything that she could do or say that would convince you she didn't cheat? I highly doubt it considering how long you have harboured these doubts about your doubts with quite scant evidence. Tbh remembering random back pain from 20 years ago and linking that to get possible affair is really odd.

Either she had an affair, in which case why would you want to be with her?

Or

She didn't and you've held this over her for two decades.

As for your son, yes the ideal time to have a DNA test was years ago when possibly he wouldn't have known what was happening. That ship has sailed.

There will be an impact for your son if you choose to go forward with a test. Either he will find out he is not your son (which is massive) or he'll know you've believed his mother was a cheater for his whole life.

It's ridiculous to try and do a test without his knowledge.

If you really need to know, talk to your son and do the test but be prepared for the consequences of that.

I think thay after all this time you have to think aboug what might have happened and what the fall out will now be on each scenario.

While you are doing that think about the relationship you have with each affected person. If we assume your DS isn't biologically yours, you're still Dad and that's an important relationship that shouldn't be broken lightly. Also bear in mind that a) nature will bowl a googly at us and b) calculating conception is as vague as calculating birth as zero hour is the first day of your wife's period with assumed conception 14 days afterwards, while intercourse can be up to 3 days before/after conception.

After all this time wondering, it may be worth seeking counselling in order to make the best decision. Even then, there's no guarantee.

Ask yourself a) if you love the lad and are you prepared to lose him, and b) is the hurt about a sense of betrayal or having a cuckoo in your nest that outweigh those first steps and smiles?

Wishing you a happy outcome.

My husband did a DNA test on one of our sons for family tree reasons. He didn't doubt he was his son - he looks like the blue eyed version of my husband with no discernible resemblance to me other than eye colour. Of course, my husband is involved in genetic genealogy. My husband himself looks nothing like his own father and you'd never suspect he was related to either of his brothers. My FIL was definitely his father though with the DNA to prove it.

Just get both your children ancestry dna tests, for fun. Then you'll know.

Shortly before she completed her course DS fell pregnant for a second time and BIL insisted that the child wasn't his (citing the fact that he didn't look like him, just like the poster here) and refused to be on the birth certificate. They had a DNA test carried out which showed that the child was his. He refused to accept the result, insisting she'd somehow influenced it.

I've know women with ex like that - also knew a woman who'd had a bomb go off in her family - her brother had done some ancestry DNA test - and tuned out he was a half brother - Mum had been having an affair for decades - no one apparently knew and the affect on entire family was horrific.

I have no idea if Op is a paranoid jealous man making mountains out of mole hills and see what he wants who really should seek some outside help - or if he's stuck with someone who shameless cheated and lied for huge amount of his marriage.

With "child" being an adult who may want not to know about any of this or want to deal with it - so I think tricking them into some test is unfair.

I would have though if you haven't already first step would be to leave the marriage as this level of distrust is not good for anyone mental health - let things settle then decide if you do want to talk to your DS about DNA testing because it likely will affect ongoing relationships.

OP has already stated multiple times that he hates lies.

And yet he's stayed married to someone he reckons has not only lied but one who he implies has tried to harm him physically.

I don't much like liars either. I try to have little to do with them. I don't have LT relationships with them that I say I can't get out of.

This is a horrific situation for you. But really the best course of action is the Ancestry or 23andme test. Just tell your son you're building your tree and it will be fun to see his ethnic makeup and what he's inherited from both of you. Submit the tests under an email address / login you control and he doesn't have access to.

Once you get the result there will obviously be two paths ahead. You discover he is your son in and the agony will be resolved and you can move on. Or he's not your son in which case I'm sure you will continue to love him as you always have. Once you have reconciled this fact (with therapy if necessary) and reached an amicable place with your wife, you can decide how best to share the information with him.

He WILL find out one day. Either he or his own children or grandchildren will take a dna test and the whole can of worms will be out but in a much less controlled and painful fashion. Despite your MH issues you come across as a very rational and compassionate man and I think you will be able to help your son through this situation in the best way.

It's not that simple, @MrMarple has to have a plan for what he's going to do next for either outcome.

My mind has been elsewhere for much of the last 25 years (not a single day goes by when I don’t get angry with myself and for being put in this position)

@MrMarple if you were to do the test and had it confirmed that your son is indeed your biological child, then, with regard to the above quote, how do you think you'd react going forward? You wouldn't have been 'put in this position' you'd have put yourself in this position and for over two decades.

I don't know if you feel you're getting anything out of posting here, but it sounds to me as though more professional help is the way forward for you and if it were to mean long term anti-depressants, that may not be such a bad thing.

There's been a recent Channel 4 drama on called True Love. It dealt with the themes of love, deceit and betrayal and the fall out from all. It had a lot of food for thought and dealt with people making incredibly difficult decisions. One of the characters had the line 'The truth is whatever the people involved want it to be' If you weren't so tormented I'd have suggested this was fitting for you given the fact you didn't proceed with a DNA test when offered. You bring up the cost, but you know yourself and your thoughts and the true long term cost has been far greater and more damaging.

Your experiences are such that I'd really like to hear from the other side of the coin and I'd love to know the story as a proper 'sliding doors' moment. We won't ever get either, just an awful lot of sadness, for various reasons, for everyone involved.

I really, really feel for your son in all of this. He doesn't deserve that it's impacted your relationship with him (your words) and he doesn't deserve for his emotions to be potential collateral damage all these years later. Something to give serious consideration to.