Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Perhaps because she says she loves me? Even damaged people have a few redeeming features.

Jesus Christ leave your wife. Why are you calling her a damaged person when you have NO EVIDENCE that she has cheated on you? Do her a favour and leave her so she doesn't have to be tied to someone who thinks this about her.

You say upthread that infedelity has been your undoing. It hasn't. Your paranoia and indecision have been. If you wanted proof you should have had the DNA test. You didn't want the proof because you wanted to hold this over your "damaged" wife.

and yes, meeting a man, lying about, doing it behind your partners back are all cheating).

Well I disagree this is cheating.
you can argue this is being dishonest but wo knowing how the OP (or anyone for that matter) behaved around that time, it’s impossible to know if it’s because she had something to hide or because she just wanted a quiet life doing something pretty innocent - and meeting up with a man isn’t no go area in my book.

If meeting up with a man on her own is something the OP considered unacceptable, he should have made his boundaries clear before getting married and/or have children Personally, I’d have run fur the hills hearing something like this.

You have fixated on this so much I don’t think it would make any difference to you if your son was biologically yours or not.

Whether it would be useful for him to know is the question.

Or maybe because she has done the same calculations than you.
Wanted to stay for the dcs etc….

I think he means that he's the damaged one....

Despite the OPs desire, this IS like a bad episode of Eastenders.

You misread my comment. I was talking about myself.

Ah, ok. In that case - apologies! But I still think that this marriage is over, and that if she really understood what you think of her, she'd probably agree. For your own sake, too, it seems that you are not getting what you want from this marriage.

Does counselling help? After about 50 appointments over the years. Do anti-depressants help? Nope.

50 sessions over several years, with different ci7 sellers abd different techniques is nothing. No wonder you think could selling doesn’t help. It’s not a quick fix.

Plus, you have to ask yourself the question: what do you want to achieve with counselling?
And i think it’s a good question. Fir you to say ‘Counselling helped’ what change did you expect to see @MrMarple ?

fwiw antidepressants dint help you feel less guilty. They are there to ease the burden so you can work on your shit/work through a hard period. You can’t expect a medication to take away all your struggles, doubts or pre conceived ideas etc….

The midwife said she was 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant (I wrote it I’m my diary on that day because it was frightening for us both). That came back to haunt me because that goes back to the exact date they met.

Oh mate. All this fuss and you've been wrong about the dates the entire time.

That dating doesn't mean a baby was conceived 9 weeks and 1 day ago!

I may be wide of the mark but feel that your relationship with your DW has broken down and is over whatever the outcome of the paternity test on your son. You don't trust her to tell you the truth about whether she had an affair or not. Are you paranoid or was she unfaithful, who knows.

If you convince (or trick) your son into doing the test (and he is your son, you raised him together) and then it shows he is your son he'll become aware of the fundamental mistrust in your relationship with both him and his mom. What will that do to your DS whose birth was the root of your mistrust?

If he isn't your son then that's a whole other mess to unpick and deal with and will probably be the end of your son's relationship with both you and your DW.

I really feel for your son in all this.

I really don’t want to criticise my OH on Mumsnet but to try and answer your point she told a lie to go out that evening. He told a lie to his live-in girlfriend. She lied to me about the 2nd meeting ripping out my diary page to stop me finding out. If I totted up the lies (and I don’t by the way) there are probably at least 50 I could list about that time.

To put this in some sort of context her father was very controlling and dominating. And to her Mum too. Even when we first started going out together in our teens he would remove the fuse from plugs so she couldn’t watch the TV when she was on her own!

This doesn't make any sense. Why would ripping out YOUR diary page stop you from finding out that she had been out the second time?

How would you find out from your diary? Surely she hadn't written in there Tuesday - have affair.
You sound exhausting, and regardless of what she may or may not have done, you need to take responsibility for how you are acting. It's not normal to obsess over dates from 2 decades ago, all the while doing nothing about your concerns. Your mental health is not her fault.

Should I have called my OHs bluff if there is something more to her meetings.

You don't believe her. you have never believed her. You are now drip feeding more "evidence" that hilariously might have made your story stronger in the beginning as you keep getting pushback.

And you know what - being damaged doesn't justify treating people badly. which is what you've done.

You are the classic victim who is NEVER to blame and who will make up whatever he needs to , and even believe it himself, to maintain that perspective. I need to leave this thread because I am so horrified and upset for your wife and children.

you’re brave enough to drag this grudge on your marriage for 20 yrs, to throw your partner on her face that the child is not yours but you’re not brave enough to get that silly DNA test done? (You had 15 years to do it while he was a kid).

Sorry but I’m calling the bluff on this one. This is either martyr syndrome or wanting an excuse to belittle your wife for 20 years. I’m surprised shes puts up with this shyte for two decades.

To put this in some sort of context her father was very controlling and dominating. And to her Mum too. Even when we first started going out together in our teens he would remove the fuse from plugs so she couldn’t watch the TV when she was on her own!

Sounds to me like she was used to living with a controlling abuser; that might explain why she's stuck with the OP. It might be hell but it's the hell she's familiar with.

OP have you seen people explain to you that you've misunderstood the meaning of the dates in the dating scan?

The date you're given in scans doesn't track backwards to the day of conception. The gestational age (like the 9 weeks 1 day you were told) is the time that has passed since the last menstrual period.

You seem completely unaware of this yet have been obsessing over the date for 20 years?

So is OP going to address his complete goof around conception dates and admit he is totally wrong about that part of it?

FWIW if my other half threw a giant wobbler if I had a drink with another person if the opposite sex, I wouldn't tell them either.

As an adult that something the son should get decide for himself - as it impacts his life.

If OP wants to have a conversation about that with his son (which apparently he doesn't) then that's one thing tricking him into finding out is really wrong.

Honestly the more the OP posts the more it sound like they and their mental health are the problem. They don't seem to understand how pregnancy dating works and have retrofitted a narrative that suit what they seem to want to believe. They also don't want to do anything but want everything to be clear and change.

My answer was to @Bookworm20 and is a very general comment.

Meeting someone isn’t something I consider being unfaithful as such.
It would be if they’ve had sex during that period, yes.

OP I am so sorry for what you are going through, and what you have been going through for over 20 years, it sounds hellish. It was brave of you to steal yourself to come on this forum and lay it all out bare and I am so sorry you have been met with disappointment for doing so, you really don’t deserve that.

I suppose what you should probably ask yourself is - which would be the worse scenario - to find out that the suspicions you have had for over 2 decades are true and your wife has been deceiving you and your son may not be biologically connected to you; or that your wife didn’t cheat on you and your relationship with her and your son and been damaged bc of your (justified) fears and suspicions for so long?

Only you can answer this and it will no doubt take a lot of thought, which you have obviously been spending a lot of time doing.

As either scenario is very damaging to you, would it not be possible to try to mentally and emotionally draw a line under this and assume she didn’t cheat and your son is yours? Would finding out the truth make you any happier, or your poor son?

Therapy can be hit and miss I know, but might it be worth seeking someone to help you come to terms with this future, more positive mindset and give you CBT strategies to reinforce this?

Please don’t think of the years you have spent in this awful, dark psychological place but concentrate on the positives of a brighter and happier future. If you were able to forgive your wife (whether or not she has betrayed you) it might be the first step in moving on successfully and as I say, drawing a line.

Focus on the present OP and your future, (easier said than done) but you owe it to yourself and your children.

Try to stay positive and 👏🏻 for seeking help, few people understand how difficult that can be.

And all the best for the future - there are so many joyful, happier times ahead ✨

As an adult that something the son should get decide for himself - as it impacts his life.

He can only decide if he has an inkling that the OP isn’t his dad.
That information in itself would be hard to digest imo.

If I totted up the lies (and I don’t by the way) there are probably at least 50 I could list about that time

You're not totting up the lies, except you are? and you can recall every lie faithfully from a couple of decades ago? and you hate lies but you've stayed with the liar?

Needs work before you send it for publication. There are some gaping plot holes there.

Obviously.

However tricking the son into finding out is not really an acceptable way forward yet so many seem to be advocating this.

OP you're being selective in what you answer here. Many people have asked things such as:

Why do you need to know now?

What will change?

Would you still want a relationship with your son?

Have you considered your son and his feelings or is it just about your emotions?

All you post is about you, how you feel and you don't seem to be considering your son. If you're not leaving your wife so what is the point of dredging this up repeatedly, ifpts hardly the makings of a happy marriage.