Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. It seems that your wife has been lying to you (perhaps by omission) and you're still not satisfied you understand the truth of what happened - this is fundamental to repairing your marriage going forward, and I think is far more important than the issue of your son's biological paternity. Sort out your relationship with your wife before dragging your son into the mess.

@Oliotya Meeting a man and not telling your spouse isn't automatically an affair. I wouldn't tell my husband if I thought a trip to the pub would cause a mental breakdown.

I wouldn't like to have a partner who goes into mental breakdowns whenever I go to the pub for a drink with another man, that's just text book abusive behaviour.

Absolutely agree with this. The OP is presenting himself as obsessive and controlling, not interested in the truth at all, and someone who doesn't have the best interests of anyone else, least of all his son, at heart. It's not worth suggesting any course of action to the OP IMO., as he clearly hasn't any 'evidence' for his concerns, or been able to take any positive actions in the past 20 years.

If she had been lying to him why did she happily offer getting the a DNA test for the kid several times throughout the marriage?

@CantDealwithChristmas AncestryDNA isn't a paternity testing kit, HTH. There are a fair few home test kits available (that aren't legally permissable but for personal use) where you can use finger nail clippings, or 3-5 few hairs with the follicle attached. Most people will have hairs like this in their hair brush, pillow etc. Of course it's not easy to get but it's also not impossible if OP is determined. There's plenty of creative ways to get hair off someone. Christ, I just pulled out a few hairs by the root from my partner because they were greys he wanted out.

It always amuses me that people think anything they've seen on a police procedural is fantasy. It's 2023 and technology that was one just available to law enforcement is quite easily available to the average Joe.

It’s my mind that is the issue.

That is the most useful thing you've said.

Really, you need to get some outside help, starting with your GP.

You raised him. You love him. He considers you his dad. Of course you are his dad.
If you did a dna test and found out he as not biologically your’s…..what would you do differently going forward? Love him less than your other child? See him less? Cut him out of your life all together? Cut him out of your will?
You like a sensitive person - I doubt very much you would do any of that.
This however is eating you alive. And quite frankly if your son is not your biological son he has a right to know.
Personally I would approach the subject with him and ask him if he wants to know. And if he doesn’t than I would leave it.
My parents stumbled across a grandchild with an ancestry dna test. In short this child’s mother had lied to her husband about who the child’s father was. When it all came to light do you know what happened? The child was a teen by then and she refused to speak to her mother for a year and lived with the man she saw as dad but who was not biologically her dad. This amazing man changed nothing about his relationship with her. Acting like a dad and biologically being a dad (or not) are not the same thing.

I wouldn't have a mental breakdown if DH went for a drink with another woman simply because unless it was purely work related & during the day he wouldn't even dare. 🤦‍♀️🤣

So, IOW, you stayed with your wife all these years so you could punish her, every time you "decided" to get a burr in your saddle. You should have divorced her 22 years ago so she could have found someone who wouldn't beat her over the head every time they felt like it.

I truly hope this is a wind-up, since too many things don't make sense. Pages missing from YOUR diary proves to you she cheated. You had stomach and back pains and decide people are trying to poison you, or gave you a UTI or an STD. Yet you NEVER went to the doctor and got tested/treated. You think she cheated but NEVER got a DNA test done when your DS was young. It sounds to me like you didn't really care to know because if you were proven false, you'd have no other sword to fall upon and no more weapons to use against your wife in the "marriage". Obsession with some pub, itemized phone bills....make it make sense.

Sorry, there seems to be some severe paranoia here that has been obviously going on for years, and probably well before you ever met your wife.

I'd be furious if anyone took my DNA and sent if off without my consent, regardless of the reason, especially given the recent data breaches of two sites.

It's a loosely regulated industry that you're giving a means to uniquely identify you and with very little idea of how your data will be used in the future.

Look, you have 3 scenarios:

1. DNA Test, he is your son. What will you do? How will this change how you feel about whether it not she did have an affair? How will this change your relationship given that he is now 20-odd? What will actually change?
2. DNA Test, he is not your son. What will you do? How will this change how you feel about whether it not she did have an affair? How will this change your relationship given that he is now 20-odd? Will you disown him? What will actually change?

3.No DNA Test. Is this a worse situation than taking the test? Think carefully about whether doing the test is worth it.

You say you love your wife, but your posts suggest otherwise. You heard her swear on your baby's life that she was not having an affair and you call that an example of how low someone can stoop. That's not sounding like a loving partner to me.

Can you actually face the thought that you might be in the wrong here?

Ancestry DNA will absolutely be able to tell the OP if it is his son, they will share 50% of their DNA in that case. If they don't share that level of DNA then he isn't his son. What it can't tell you in that case is who the father is, unless of course the father,. whoever he is, has done an Ancestry DNA test himself and made it accessible, in which case it will.

The ethnicity breakdown isn't "rubbish" (quite amazingly accurate in my case and I found out some very interesting things) but it has to be understood that it is not telling you "this is where the DNA comes from" necessarily. It is telling you that you share a certain amount of DNA with people who live in that area now.

Get your son to do a test now.
I did an ancestry DNA last year because I wanted to research my family tree (I'm 62 years old) and found out my mother had lied to me about my father. I thought I was Italian for years and I'm not, I'm all British.
I'm fucking furious she's kept this from me all these years. Our relationship has completely broken down.
I can't even meet my real father because he's died.
My entire life is a big fat lie.
Your son needs to know, everyone needs to know the truth. At least give your son a chance to meet his biological father before it's too late. These things are really important.
The longer you keep it from him the worse it will be.
I hate lies.

Just do the dna check. You should have done this years ago.

Man tries therapy, therapist doesn’t enable his paranoia, man decides therapists must also be lying manipulative snakes out to ruin his life. Man continues in his quest to make the world hold his DW responsible for his mental health problems and - why not? - rope his DS in as well.

Why does agreeing to a DNA test change the fact that she omitted to tell her DH about meeting that man more than once and making phone calls to him? She may feel confident in her son's paternity, but still have lied by omission about the relationship with the other man. Maybe it was the beginnings of an affair that never took off.

The only thing that makes me think your wife maybe did have an affair is the fact that she stayed with you while you harassed her about this for 20 years. If I were innocent and my husband did this to me, I'd have divorced him long before now.

You heard her swear on your baby's life that she was not having an affair and you call that an example of how low someone can stoop.

I read it as she swore on her babys life she only met the man once. That has since been disproven and she met up with him more than once and made calls to him when pregnant. So I'm guessing OP is coming at it from the fact she swore on their childs life it was only once - which it turns out was a huge lie.

Why does agreeing to a DNA test change the fact that she omitted to tell her DH about meeting that man more than once and making phone calls to him? She may feel confident in her son's paternity, but still have lied by omission about the relationship with the other man. Maybe it was the beginnings of an affair that never took off

Given the levels of obsession the OP is exhibiting - thinking he's been poisoned, that she's given him an STD and not taking steps to take a DNA test to put his mind at rest despite harping on at her for 20 years - wouldn't YOU lie? perhaps meeting that other man was to have a sensible rational conversation for once.

Martyrdom personified.

You have had choices. Lots and lots of choices over 20+ years. You have every right to regret your choices and wish things were different but no right to apportion blame to everyone else and none (or very little) to yourself. You could have pursued answers. You could have left the marriage at any time. You don't get a medal for not getting divorced but still all being miserable in a slightly different way.

Say this boy isn't your flesh & blood...what then? Lots of people raise children who are not their own and still love them. I'm not saying its the same as being tricked into parenthood but the point is...you seem to have made the decision despite zero evidence. Again, you could have made choices at the time but you chose to just emotionally disconnect from this boy.

The only one I feel sorry for here is your poor son, having had half a father most of his life.

My dad took an Ancestry test about seven years ago, to help us find once and for all whether we were 'an Irish family'. We are, but also Scottish.

So, secretly, about a year after that, I had my dna tested. I share 50% dna with my dad, he's my birth father.

When it came up in conversation a few months later, I told him that Ancestry had confirmed he was my father, he became very intense. "Does it really say that?" he demanded, "Show me!"

I showed him. He could hardly believe it.
I was 61, I think. All that time, he hadn't believed I was his child.
He still prefers my brother!

OP, if you ask your son for a dna test you will end up explaining his mum might have had an affair. Do you want that? Do you want to punish her? Do you want to hurt your son?

If my dad hadn't been my dad, I wouldn't have said a word.

Because, in all likelihood, he would have suddenly discovered then that the DNA lab, the geneticist and the counsellor are all parties to the same conspiracy, and probably have even secretly met with his wife at her book reading circle - at least a lady from there vaguely remembers seeing someone who looked like a lab assistant sitting across the room from his wife and exchanging lusty glances.

@CarrotyO Why does agreeing to a DNA test change the fact that she omitted to tell her DH about meeting that man more than once and making phone calls to him? She may feel confident in her son's paternity, but still have lied by omission about the relationship with the other man. Maybe it was the beginnings of an affair that never took off.

if meeting a man twice at the pub causes a 20 year grudge that questions the paternity of your child I may understand why she said nothing.

I agree. Do you have a good relationship with your son? If so, what will finding out change? Are you prepared for the fall out? Personally, I don’t think I would want to know and I certainly wouldn’t want to put that on a child of mine, even though he is an adult now. He is your child in that you have bought him up. Very difficult but have you thought of getting some professional help like counselling or therapy to help you untangle this?