Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Unhinged.

Still no acknowledgement that you were wrong about conception dates, OP?

Any answer you get from anyone two years after a routine event needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Asking the question two years on speaks of paranoia.

You need help.

I phoned the Mother’s Group lady that was supposed to have held the party 2 years earlier to find she had never held one

That's the final straw. I'm out.

Are you testing out a true crime novel you're penning nightly along with your diary OP?

If this is real, there is a woman out there on the receiving end of this, and I personally couldn't put up with it for twenty minutes let alone twenty years, so count yourself lucky OP. Jesus Christ Alive, what a scen.

Indeed. Every little thing chewed over again and again and again and again for 20 years. And such perfect recall, as well. 🙄

The bottom line is you are his dad no matter what a test result would be. You have always been his dad & always will be.

How far back did you go with 9 weeks and 1 day to get the exact date @MrMarple because it certainly isn’t exact

You do realise it is far from normal to quiz people on your spouses whereabouts years previously? Absoluty nuts. Seriously unhinged behavior.

I'm also noticing a distinct lack of interest in your son's wellbeing. You're just obsessed with lording it over your wife, on the off chance you will get vindication.

Whilst I appreciate its not an exact science when using the conceived date calculator back from the birth date of my son it hits the exact date of meeting. Of course that might just be my bad luck.

My OH was desperate for a 2nd child and was off the pill. The month before this started there were tears when her period came on and felt she (or I) had failed again.

My OH had single male colleagues come to the house (when I was out and sometimes when I was unexpectedly there) when pregnant with our 1st child and shortly after but I didn’t throw a ‘wobbler’ even though it seemed strange.

This later event felt and was totally different as you can see by the way it has affected me.

Yep. Unhinged.

Perhaps he was going to help her leave you, but she chickened out after getting pregnant. "I can't stop thinking about you" was out of concern, not lust.

This is such a sad and bizarre story. Why on earth are you still with your OH? You're so worried that she cheated on you 20 years ago that you have had two nervous breakdowns, you can't have sex with her anymore, you've had countless counselling, yet still you think every day about this bloke she may have shagged 20 years ago??

Man, what a waste of a life.

You won't feel any better until you have a dna test to see if your dc is yours.

But your relationship is completely toxic - for you both. Surely you'd be happier apart??

Been watching this all day and it has got worse.

Leave her and sort your shit out.

Look up covert narcissist, OP, and you might be surprised how well your behavior tracks that. At any rate if you have a problem its up to you to fix it. So fix it. No one here can tell you how to handle your suspicions or the destructive fallout from your suspicions.

Don’t apply for a role at the Samaritans

@MrMarple My OH had single male colleagues come to the house (when I was out and sometimes when I was unexpectedly there) when pregnant with our 1st child and shortly after but I didn’t throw a ‘wobbler’ even though it seemed strange.

Yes, what an experience, it must feel very strange to go into your living room and find out your pregnant wife reviewing a dossier with a work colleague (insert sarcastic tone in this space).

You my dear.... have a problem.

OP you didn't answer earlier - have you started a thread about this before? There was a remarkably similar story and the OP on that had plenty of useful and constructive advice but ignored it all. Might be best to say if that was you as then people can decide whether or not to contribute again.

I said numerous times the only person who matters is the son. My comments about the OP were only in relation to the fact the wife lied which is the reason these doubts started, understandably. but no one else seems to think it's an issue?

But I do agree I didn't think through re. the results. I suppose I just assumed as the OP had already done it and was asking they'd be sent to him, then if it wasn't his father the OP would sit down and have a conversation (as he'd have to do asking for a DNA test).

People are saying it doesn't matter because he brought him up/think of the damage instead of the sons right to know. I was just thinking a way to find out without illegally taking the sons dna and without him having to know his mother swore on their lives about something she later admitted lying about, and that his Dad has always had doubts he's his son because of that.

I do appreciate it was misguided to think the results would go to OP.

I was just thinking a way to find out without illegally taking the sons dna and without him having to know his mother swore on their lives about something she later admitted lying about, and that his Dad has always had doubts he's his son because of that.

If it can be avoided because the OP is proven to be his biological father, which I do believe is the more likely scenario.

This later event felt and was totally different as you can see by the way it has affected me.

This is what we in the biz know as 'a you problem'.

And the thing with the dates landing exactly is what we in the biz call 'a coincidence'.

Learn this.

Don’t apply for a role at the Samaritans

Don't give up the day job to write fiction.

Many have asked about my son. He is the most kind hearted, loving, thoughtful and generous person you are ever likely to meet despite our ‘toxic’ household. He does struggle to find a relationship and that is where one of my guilts kicks in. Subconsciously I haven’t been there for him.

To think I might not his biological father would be a massive kick in the gonads. And am I scared to find out. You bet. Poll any group of men and the large majority would say this is a massive issue. Hence I thought I would give this message-board a go. Undoubtedly an unwise decision which I can see now.

It’s not easy confronting this subject and I’ve pushed it to one side for 25 years bar 2 mental health episodes.

As for being accused of not telling the truth. That’s a bit galling. Thankfully some have just tried to answer the tricky question of where do I go from here. Walk away after 40 years and go crawl under a stone.

As far as I remember I have never posted on here. I have no posts under my email. Does it have my username?

If this is real, OP must be unbearable in person.

If this is fake, OP must be unbearable in person.

Perhaps I should have gone to the Samaritans instead?!